Fansided

5 unrealistic dreams for the 2015 NBA Finals

By Stu White

Feb 26, 2015; Cleveland, OH, USA; Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James (23) drives between Golden State Warriors guard Klay Thompson (left) and guard Stephen Curry (30) in the third quarter at Quicken Loans Arena. Mandatory Credit: David Richard-USA TODAY Sports
Feb 26, 2015; Cleveland, OH, USA; Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James (23) drives between Golden State Warriors guard Klay Thompson (left) and guard Stephen Curry (30) in the third quarter at Quicken Loans Arena. Mandatory Credit: David Richard-USA TODAY Sports /
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May 10, 2015; Los Angeles, CA, USA; Los Angeles Clippers center DeAndre Jordan (6) shoots a free throw against Houston Rockets in game three of the second round of the NBA Playoffs. at Staples Center. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports
May 10, 2015; Los Angeles, CA, USA; Los Angeles Clippers center DeAndre Jordan (6) shoots a free throw against Houston Rockets in game three of the second round of the NBA Playoffs. at Staples Center. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports /

2. No Hack-A-Player

As long as we have things like “statistics” and “maths” and “probability” — all imperialist social constructs designed to control the populace, FYI — the dreaded Hack-a-Player strategy will be implemented by desperate teams looking to make a comeback. Sure, the constant fouling of DeAndre Jordan and Dwight Howard during Houston-Los Angeles series provided ample blogging opportunities for the nerds who seem to only enjoy sports insofar as they can strip the joy out of sports for everyone else, but for those of us who don’t care about maximizing mathematical utility and who want to watch some fun, free-flowing basketball, that series was nothing short of war crime. As penance for that seven-game assault on good taste and common decency, my dream is that that NBA Finals will not contain a single foul designed to put an atrocious shooter at the line, not even if it’s a close game and said foul would increase my rooting-interest’s chances of being victorious.

Nope, what I want is a series where teams attempt comebacks not through hacking the opponent’s worst foul shooter, but through classic, fundamental techniques such as spiking the other team’s Gatorade dispenser with laxative, bribing officials, and/or using black magic to ravage the opposing squad with hexes and spells.

Look, I get the reasoning behind making strategic fouls during late-game situations, or when a giant comeback is needed. I really do. But after the atrocity that was Houston-Los Angeles, from which I’m not sure my eyes have fully recovered, I think we as basketball fans are owed a series that doesn’t devolve into a free throw contest. We’ve already suffered enough.

Next: Moratorium on analzying LeBron's legacy

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