Hardwood Paroxysm Presents: NBA Free Agency Super-Overreactionizer

Can Someone Please Sign Kendrick Perkins Already?

By Chris Manning (@cwmwrites) — Hardwood Paroxysm

Forget DeAndre Jordan. Forget J.R. Smith. Forget LeBron James and Tristan Thompson too. If there’s a free agent we should be fretting over, it’s Kendrick Perkins.

Perkins has yet to sign after spending  half a season with the Cleveland Cavaliers. He’s barely over 30, has played minutes on three different teams that have made the NBA Finals. Literally every team could use Perkins and his dying brand of necessary, physical basketball. Don’t believe me? Watch me lay out the reasons why.

Warriors – Perkins would provide needed toughness for a Warriors team that is just so soft and modern. Give me Mo Speights’ minutes and watch him thrive.

Cavaliers – He’s going to be healthier than Anderson Varejao.

Spurs – David West? Lame. Perkins is far nastier.

Bulls – Moves about as well as Joakim Noah. And who could stop a Hinrich/Perkins PNR?

Lakers – You just KNOW Kobe would LOVE Perkins’ style of play. And someone has to keep an eye on Lou Williams and Nick Young.

Heat – When you can double down on players with championship experience, you just have to do it. Good insurance policy in case Hassan Whiteside is too expensive a year from now.

Rockets – We all know Dwight Howard is as soft as Charmin. You know who isn’t? PERK.

Raptors – Someone has to teach all those losers how to win. No better to do it than Perk.

Celtics – Teams will forfeit games instead of going against Perk and Kelly Olynyk. Bonus points for bringing a city hero back home.

Pelicans – He’s the perfect mentor for Anthony Davis. Gotta teach him to be tough and gritty.

Hawks – Gotta take someone from the Cavs if you can. Definitely a better veteran presence than Elton Brand.

Mavericks – Perk wouldn’t flake like DeAndre. When Perk signs with your team, it’s like he’s joining the Night’s Watch. (See, that’s a Game of Thrones reference. I’m hip.)

Thunder – He’s better at defense than Enes Kanter.

Knicks – Perk can get Porzingis ready to play in the NBA. If the Pistons had Perk when Darko came over, Darko wouldn’t be a kickboxer right now if you catch my drift.

Nets – Fits into Lionel Hollins’ ethos perfectly and he’s a better bet to be healthy than Brook Lopez.

Wizards – You think Colin ‘Lowkey as bad a Skip Bayless’ Cowhard will still take cheap shots at John Wall if Perk is a Wizard?

Blazers – Perk is the perfect guy to mentor Dame Lillard as he moves on from LaMarcus. Also will be around to throw a bow at LaMarcus when he first returns,

Grizzlies – WHO WOULD WANT TO PLAY AGAINST PERK AND Z-BO AT THE SAME DAMN TIME?

Bucks – Didn’t get Tyson Chandler, gotta have someone there to teach the youngins to be tough.

Pacers – The Pacers are going smaller you say? Perk can totally play the five when Paul George slides to the four and he can certainly replace Roy Hibbert.

Hornets – Is there anyone better to compliment Al Jefferson and help mold Kaminsky into a player who isn’t soft?

Kings – No one better than Perk to help the Kings embrace their 90s identity and play physical all the time. Also PERK AND BOOGIE MEAN MUGS FOR DAYS.

Timberwolves – KG and Perk give the Wolves the best veteran leaders in the league. Can you say PLAYOFFS?

Suns – Alex Len is soft. Chandler and Perk gives you two centers who aren’t soft. That’s a win.

Magic – Scott Skiles has found his team captain.

Jazz – Utah needs a veteran leader to take that next step. You can’t win without one. It’s a fact.

Nuggets – Who is gonna mess with Perkins and Nurkic? No one.

Pistons – Gotta toughen up Andre Drummond and replace Greg Monroe. Perk kills two birds with one stone.

Sixers – Someone has to teach Jahil Okafor how not to be so damn soft, ay Hinkie?

Clippers – Okay, they don’t need Perk. They need JaVale. Clippers are too soft a team for Perk to be good on.

Someone just sign Perkins for whatever he wants. You won’t regret it.