Five reasons the NFL preseason sucks

The NFL preseason is pretty much terrible and here’s why

The NFL has the longest offseason in professional sports, so the start of training camp and preseason games is glorious. The heavens part, angels sing, and fans finally have a real reason to turn on their televisions. The advent of the preseason means that soon it will be socially acceptable once again to spend 10 hours parked on a sofa drinking substandard beer and eating chips with processed cheese product. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Or is it?

Now that the 2015 regular season is upon us, I realize how much I looked forward to something I absolutely hate. The preseason really, really sucks. Here’s why:

1) Senseless injuries. As exciting as it is finally seeing your favorite players on the field, it is even more devastating when they get injured in meaningless games. If you’re a Packers fan, you saw WR Jordy Nelson fall to a torn ACL. Steelers fans watched in horror as their star center Maurkice Pouncey broke parts of his leg, and, as a special bonus, their starting kicker Shaun Suisham and his replacement Garrett Hartley hobbling off the field with season-ending injuries.

2) False hope. We all know these games are meaningless. That’s why the senseless injuries are so devastating. When it comes to the final score, however, all of a sudden the games are the most important games ever. A Redskins victory over the Ravens could be a sign that they finally figured out how to be an NFL football team and might have a decent season. We all know that isn’t true and will never happen as long as Dan Snyder is at the helm, but the preseason gives us hope. It doesn’t matter if it was the first team playing against the water boys. A win is a win, gosh darn it! And it is a sure sign of a Super Bowl victory come February!

3) Needless desperation. Likewise, when our team gets demolished in a preseason game, it can lead to feelings of dejection, desperation, and discouragement. Nevermind that the rookies have never played in the NFL before and are still learning the plays, or that, speaking of plays, the coaches don’t want to reveal anything remotely crafty or effective, so they are using their 10th-tier plays that even high school players can execute with ease. Still, after long months of cultivating optimism in the offseason, crappy play in the preseason is just sad.

4) Sad goodbyes. Who hasn’t gotten attached to some dark-horse, long-shot undrafted free agent or late-round pick who is definitely going to be the next big thing? You know he’s going to be the next big thing because, after all, Antonio Gates, Arian Foster, James Harrison, Kurt Warner, Antonio Brown and Greg Hardy were all either undrafted or late-round picks and this guy has talent too, believe me, just watch!

I’ve gotten attached to Steelers DE Niko Davis. Swimming was his primary sport before he joined his high school’s football team his sophomore year. He was a walk-on at Liberty and at various points in his early adult life he sold plasma and worked as a street performer (apparently, he does a mean robot) to hear money. Who doesn’t love a guy like that? Well, what happens if No. 67 doesn’t make the Steelers’ final 53? Yeah, that’s right. Heartbreak. Sadness. Let down. Disappointment.

5) It is too long. We finally get a taste of real football in early August, but quickly become disillusioned, after which point we’re forced to endure nearly a month more of training camp and meaningless games. Once disillusionment sets in, the preseason becomes as boring and frustrating as the offseason, except instead of the biggest risk being a bored 20-something-year-old player getting caught smoking dope, overindulging on fast food, or deciding to value his neurological health over the game, we’re faced with injury roulette every single snap.

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