R.I.P. Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption
John Oliver has shut down his church, Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption.
It was supposed to be perpetual. Unending. Ad infinitum. The (un)holy mount that challenged us to be better people. To re-evaluate the way we view society. For an eyelash in time it did.
Gone forever is Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption.
Like Icarus, the church briefly soared among the clouds before crashing back to Earth. Yet instead of the sun’s heat, it’s as if some jizz monkeys flung their spunk into our hero’s wings and ended a movement.
On Sunday, Pastor John announced that Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption was no more. In a gut-wrenching letter that surely caught his congregation by surprise, the church’s founder explained that operations had been halted due to an influx of semen coming through the mail. Unlike grass seeds, the human variety carried too much weight for the church to bear.
"We have still, miraculously, not broken any laws by promising you untold riches in return for sending us money. We’re also not closing down because you all kept sending us actual seeds, even though we explicitly told you not to. We’re closing because multiple people sent us sperm through the mail. And when someone sends you jizz through the mail, it’s time to stop whatever you’re doing."
