Week 3 of the 2015 college football season is here. Make sure you couch-potato like a champion.
After what seemed like an eternity away, college football is finally back. Whew. I was starting to get antsy. Seriously, how do people cope with all those days separating football-filled Saturdays? How do they pass the time? Do they go into hibernation? Do they curl up into the fetal position and cry? Those six days are tough, man. College football withdrawal is real, and you should probably talk to your doctor about it.
With that in mind I say hallelujah, for Week 3 of the 2015 college football regular season has arrived. I hope you’re ready to devote an entire Saturday to remaining planted on your couch, potato chip crumbs and crushed beer cans surrounding you, because I sure am. (To clarify: I’m going to be on my couch, not your couch. But if you want to invite me over, hey, that’s cool! I’ll bring the chip crumbs and crushed beer cans.)
Since you’ll be spending all of Saturday’s available daylight hours glued to the TV, you’re going to need a plan. Sure, you could concoct a scheme of your own — make a cute little chart and a color-coded schedule and all that — or you could scroll down and use the plan I’ve outlined below. I made it just for you. Because I care.
(All times PT)
8:00 a.m. — Wake up. Have you mysteriously lost a limb due to Friday night’s shenanigans? Are you profusely bleeding from anywhere? If so, you should probably seek help. If not, you should’ve partied harder.
8:15 a.m. — Start a pot of coffee. Or hop in your gas-guzzling SUV and drive to the nearest Starbucks and buy a small cup of sugary coffee substance for $7.25. Your call.
8:30 a.m. — Shower and put clothes in the laundry. Awww look at you being all adult and stuff! Doing the bare minimum when it comes to hygiene and basic household responsibilities makes permissible the upcoming day of slothful indulgence.
8:50 a.m. — Look, I can’t in good conscience tell you to crack a beer open this early in the day. But let’s pretend that I have no conscience, which is surprisingly easily to do. If you want to start your day off with drinking, let me suggest a mimosa spruced up with a shot (or so) of orange/clementine vodka. My friend calls these MANmosas, which seems very patriarchal to me, so I prefer to call them signs that you have a problem.
9:00 a.m. — Woohoo! The first slate of games is here! Let’s see … *checks schedule* … my god, it’s a wasteland. Good thing you’re already a bit buzzed. Unless you’re a diehard fan of one of the programs, there’s not a whole lot exciting going on this early in the morning. I guess you could watch no. 4 Michigan State trounce Air Force (ABC/WatchESPN). Last week the Spartans put together a great game against the Oregon Ducks, so they should have no problem handling the Falcons in East Lansing. Keep an eye on Michigan State’s freshman running back L.J. Scott. He’s the real deal.
If Falcons-Spartans doesn’t strike your fancy, there’s Nevada at no. 17 Texas A&M (SEC Network/WatchESPN), Connecticut at no. 22 Missouri (ESPN/WatchESPN), and Tulsa at no. 16 Oklahoma (Fox Sports 1). Thrilling.
9:30 a.m. — If you want to watch snobby undergrads do battle on the gridiron, no. 23 Northwestern plays Duke (ESPN3). Both schools have insufferable fans, so maybe just root for all the people in the stadium to be abducted by aliens mid-game. Hey, it could happen.
10: 15 a.m. — Suffering from boredom? Here’s an idea: open a book. Then shut that book, because reading is for chumps. See how exciting football is in comparison to reading? Keep on watching whatever garbage blowout you’re already watching.
11:00 a.m. — Speaking of blowouts, Georgia State takes on no. 12 Oregon during this time slot. Oregon quarterback Vernon Adams, battling a broken finger, is a game-time decision, but this game won’t be close so use this opportunity to hop on Twitter and troll Oregon fans by referring to “The Duck” mascot as “Puddles.”
11: 15 a.m. — Another mimosa? Another mimosa.
11:20 a.m. — More like a mime-osa, am I right? *pretends to be trapped in a giant box*
12:00 p.m. — Memphis at Bowling Green is on ESPN3. Bowling Green senior quarterback Matt Johnson is pretty gosh darn good, if you didn’t know.
12:30 p.m. — REAL FOOTBALL AGAIN! Thank heavens. This is a packed time slot, so you’re going to have to make some tough choices.
If you want to see the team with the nation’s most adorable mascot — a moment of silence for Diesel, please — get trounced by the top team in the country, Northern Illinois is taking on no. 1 Ohio State (ABC/ESPN2/WatchESPN).
If you don’t want to watch a one-sided throttling, no. 18 Auburn, fresh off their narrow escape last weekend, will in Baton Rouge to take on no. 13 LSU (CBS).
If you’re not in the mood for SEC football, the marquee game is no. 14 Georgia Tech at no. 8 Notre Dame. Sophomore quarterback DeShone Kizer stepped in for the injured Malik Zaire and led the Fighting Irish to a dramatic win against Virginia last week. Can he keep the magic alive against the Yellow Jackets?
1:20 p.m. — Lunch! You need to fuel up for the rest of the day, so have something hearty. Maybe make a sandwich or three. Maybe order a pizza or two. Don’t worry about the calories; cheering burns, like, 150 calories per hour. No, don’t look that up. Just trust me.
2:00 p.m. — If you have a tummy ache, that’s a sign you’re doing things right. Tough it out.
2:30 p.m. — Check in on Utah State at Washington (PAC-12 Network), which started thirty minutes ago. Everyone loves Aggies quarterback Chuckie Keeton. I hope he torches the Huskies for a million yards.
3:00 p.m. — S-E-C! S-E-C! South Carolina is taking on no. 7 Georgia (ESPN/WatchESPN). Between Nick Chubb gouging the Gamecocks for 150 yards and Steve Spurrier destroying five visors, this should be a fun one in Athens.
4:00 p.m. — Uhhh … yeah, not a whole lot going on at this time. Colorado and Colorado State are squaring off, so if you enjoy rivalries featuring unranked teams, well, there ya go!
4:30 p.m. — S-E-C! Do you want to see Florida head psychopath coach Jim McElwain behead an 18-year-old for sneezing too loudly in the huddle? Of course you do. The Gators are in Lexington to play the Kentucky Wildcats (SEC Network/WatchESPN). Also, Cal is playing Texas at this time (Fox). The Longhorns have had an interesting week, to say the least. Will they be able to ignore the off-field distractions and stop Cal passing machine Jared Goff? Only one way to find out!
5:00 p.m. — No. 3 TCU is going to annihilate SMU in the Battle for the Iron Skillet, so watch Stanford at no. 6 USC instead (ABC/WatchESPN). Is it just me, or does it seem like Kevin Hogan and Cody Kessler have been in the Pac-12 for a decade? When are those dues going to graduate? Stanford is always tough on D, but I don’t see them stopping USC’s offensive attack, which is looking potent this year.
5:45 p.m. — Now would be a good time to make a run to the corner store to grab some more beer. You have a few more games to get through: hydration is important.
6:15 p.m. — No. 15 Ole Miss and No. 2 Alabama (ESPN/WatchESPN). Hell yeah. The Rebels look scary good on offense this year, having scored 149 points through the first two games of the season (yes, against inferior competition, but still). Ole Miss quarterback Chad Kelly looks like the real deal, and he has the Rebels averaging at ridiculous 9.3 yards per play so far in 2015. But Ole Miss will be tested by Alabama’s vaunted defense. Wins in Tuscaloosa aren’t easy to come by, so expect a back-and-forth battle between two of the premier teams in the SEC.
7:30 p.m. — No. 19 BYU is in Pasadena to play the no. 12 UCLA Bruins (Fox Sports 1). UCLA quarterback Josh Rosen has lived up to they hype so far, but he and the Bruins will be up against a BYU team led by Tanner Mangum, who can conjure miracle victories out of thin air. At the time of this writing, UCLA is favored by over two touchdowns, but do you really want to bet against a guy who has started his college career with two last-second TD passes? In other #Pac12AfterDark action, no. 21 Utah is taking on Fresno State (CBSSN).
8:00 p.m. — More #Pac12AfterDark: Northern Arizona at no. 20 Arizona (Pac-12 Network). Will this game be good? Probably not. Keep the channel on BYU-UCLA, assuming you haven’t lost the remote in a drunken haze.
8:59 p.m. — Oh, look, UC Davis at Hawaii. You can stay up until midnight watching this game, or you can go to bed like a normal person. I’ll be staying up, but I’m weird like that. Don’t do as I do, kids.
Next: 10 Games That Would Make College Football Exponentially Better