Another college football Saturday is here. Be the best football fan you can be.
September just flew by, didn’t it? Life can change a lot in one month. Summer is officially over, which means cargo shorts are now impermissible to wear in public. The leaves are doing their annual transformation: I’m sure someone you begrudgingly follow on Facebook has started posting “look at the pretty trees” photos. The air is nippy. The Oregon Ducks have tumbled from the national rankings. Such are the beauties of time’s passage.
Another college football Saturday is here, which means it is time for another installment of FanSided’s guide to the ultimate football viewing experience. Conference play has finally begun, which means raised stakes and more bitter acrimony between fan bases. According to Virginia Tech head coach Frank Beamer, the games “count” now — how does that assertion make you feel, Virginia Tech fans? — which means you have to make your lazy Saturdays count as well. Now is not the time to slack when it comes to watching college football all day.
Watch like a champion.
(All times PT)
6:00 a.m. — Why in the world are you up this early? What is wrong with you? Here’s the official anthem for all you absurd early birds. The rest of us are going back to bed.
7:00 a.m. — Nope, still too early. You need your rest before a long day of doing nothing. Hit that snooze button.
8:00 a.m. — OK, that’s more like it. Complete your usual morning rituals: brewing coffee, staring angrily at the coffee maker because it’s too slow, burning your tongue on the scalding hot coffee because you poured a cup of it the second the brewing process concluded, cursing the coffee gods, apologizing to the coffee gods for your blasphemy, finally settling down with a cup of appropriately hot coffee. You know, the usual.
8:30 a.m. — Run to the store for snacks, assuming you didn’t do so on Friday night (and let’s be real: you didn’t). Need some snack ideas? We’ve got you covered. No need to thank us; we do this because we love you.
9:00 a.m. — The opening slate of games is pretty good and has something for everyone. If you can’t get enough high-octane Big Ten action, you can pick among Purdue at no. 2 Michigan State (ESPN2/WatchESPN), Minnesota at no. 16 Northwestern (BTN), and Iowa at no. 19 Wisconsin (ESPN/WatchESPN). Nothing like getting your day started with thrilling up-the-middle runs for three yards! Ground and pound, baby!
For those not able to handle the flashiness of Big Ten football, the Big 12 has a pair of meaningful morning games. In what could be a wild shootout, no. 23 West Virginia will be taking on no. 15 Oklahoma (FOXS1). Both teams have explosive offenses, with the Sooners averaging 553.3 yards per game and the Mountaineers averaging 543.3. While this game will certainly feature some offensive fireworks, don’t sleep on Texas at no. 4 TCU (ABC/WatchESPN). The Horned Frogs, who have looked vulnerable so far this season, needed a miraculous catch at beat the Red Raiders last weekend. They should be able to dispose of the Longhorns without much trouble, at least according to my never-wrong predictions, so maybe just tune in when the Texas special teams unit is on the field, because laughs are pretty much guaranteed.
10:30 a.m. — Have you showered yet today? You probably haven’t. Maybe consider doing that.
11:00 a.m. — Ohio at Akron on ESPN3. There are people out there who will be watching this game. You could be one of those people. But you don’t have to be.
12:00 p.m. — The noon slate is pretty underwhelming, so use this time to exercise. What, you don’t have a home gym? Man, I bet a guide to at-home exercises would be handy.
12:10 p.m. — Crunches are the devil. Quit doing them. Back in the good ol’ days, back before Madison Avenue infected our society with unrealistic beauty standards, people with ripped abs were often executed under suspicion of witchcraft. Why can’t we go back to that?
12:30 p.m. — Here we go. The 12:30 slate is loaded. For an aerial showcase, you can’t beat Texas Tech, coming off a heartbreaking loss, at no. 5 Baylor (ABC/ESPN2/WatchESPN). This game will probably take a million hours to finish and will probably feature a billion passing yards, so buckle in for the long haul.
In other ranked action, no. 1 Ohio State is at Indiana (ABC/ESPN2/WatchESPN). Did you know that Indiana running back Jordan Howard is averaging 168.75 rushing yards per game, trailing only Leonard Fournette in the national rankings? Now you know! Let’s see if the Hoosiers can make ESPN regret not bringing GameDay to Bloomington.
The big game at this time, of course, is no. 13 Alabama at no. 8 Georgia (CBS). Unless you’re a die-hard Big Ten or Big 12 fan, there’s no excuse for missing this game. Alabama’s defense will provide the first real test for Georgia running back Nick Chubb, who is having a remarkable season that’s being overshadowed by Fournette’s. And don’t forget about the Crimson Tide’s Derrick Henry, one of the most gifted runners in the country. This game has all the ingredients of an instant classic, so don’t miss it.
1:00 p.m. — It’s not worth shutting off any of the 12:30 games in order to watch, but Washington State is taking on no. 24 Cal (Pac-12 Network). This is your game of the day if you like passing and hate defense.
2:30 p.m. — Have you started a Twitter beef with a fan of team you dislike. No? Then go start a Twitter beef. Remember, college football is at its most fun when you are mercilessly mocking other fans.
3:00 p.m. — Why can you have a pizza delivered but not a hamburger? You’re telling me we don’t have the technology to keep hamburgers warm for the duration of a car ride? Get your s–t together, Silicon Valley innovators. Disrupt the delivery industry. I demand to have all my gastric whims met through an app.
4:00 p.m. — Want to see a slaughter so grisly that it’ll make you reconsider your love of football? Watch Eastern Michigan’s defense try to stop no. 9 LSU’s Fournette (ESPNU/WatchESPN). Kick your kids out of the room; children shouldn’t be exposed to such horrors.
For a more competitive SEC contest, there’s no. 3 Ole Miss and no. 25 Florida (ESPN/WatchESPN). Ole Miss quarterback Chad Kelly is quickly becoming one of college football’s most polarizing players, and there’s nothing more fun than rooting for (or against) an obnoxious villain. Florida mounted a late-game comeback to beat the Tennessee Volunteers last weekend — helped in large part to Butch Jones, whose decision making has driven the Tennessee faithful into a collective deep depression — but the Gators will need a strong full-game performance to knock off the high-powered Rebels.
4:30 p.m. — There’s no. 21 Mississippi State at no. 14 Texas A&M (SEC Network/WatchESPN) and there’s unranked Arizona State at no. 7 UCLA (FOX). Meh.
5:00 p.m. — No. 6 Notre Dame is facing no. 12 Clemson (ABC/WatchESPN). Expect an electric atmosphere at Memorial Stadium. And expect the Tigers to find a way to choke in the closing minutes of the game, because that’s kind of what Clemson excels at. (Sorry, Clemson fans, but you know it’s true.) Let’s hope Clemson keeps it together and knocks off the Fighting Irish, because Notre Dame being highly ranked make me physically ill. Seriously, go Tigers. Please don’t lose this. I will be billing your athletic department for any and all hospital expenditures if you lose.
6:00 p.m. — Shoot off those “college football and chill?” texts.
6:30 p.m. — Cry by yourself because you are oh so lonely.
7:00 p.m. — Look, apologies to Arizona at no. 18 Stanford, which starts a half-hour later, but the best #Pac12AfterDark option is unranked Oregon at Colorado (ESPN/WatchESPN). People were losing their minds when the line in Vegas dropped from Oregon (-12) to Oregon (-7) earlier this week, but there’s some logic to that madness. Oregon will be without Byron Marshall, the team’s top receiver from 2014, who is out for the year. Oregon sophomore cornerback Chris Seisay will also miss the game, which should have Colorado wide receiver Nelson Spruce licking his chops. Oregon’s pass defense has been woeful this year, and the loss of Seisay won’t make things any easier. Oh, and quarterback Vernon Adams may struggle a bit with the elevation in Boulder. You won’t want to miss this game, trust me.
9:30 p.m. — Time for bed? It’s early, sure, but what else are you going to do? Go out to the bars and socialize with people? Screw that. People aren’t college football, thus people don’t matter. Tuck yourself in and get some rest. We’re doing this again next week.