Hardwood Paroxysm Presents: Made-up NBA awards and predictions

By and large, NBA awards are fairly boring. Really, who cares who’s the most valuable, or who’s the best scorer off the bench (because, let’s be real, that’s what Sixth Man Of The Year more often than not is)? We here at Hardwood Paroxysm certainly don’t, so we made up our own awards, and even gave our preseason winner predictions. We’ll circle back to this later in the season to see if we’re stick with our choices.

The Kobe

by Danny Leroux, Esquire (@DannyLeroux) — Hardwood Paroxysm

The Kobe celebrates the perimeter player with the lowest proportion of “open” shot attempts. Incidentally, Mr. Bryant did not win the award last year because his incomprehensibly low 3.6% open shot rate was “bested” by Dwyane Wade’s preposterous 3.3%.

Considering the Lakers have Bryant and Nick Young (who finished 4th last season with DeMar DeRozan serving as the buffer at No. 3), they stand a very good shot at having the Kobe recipient for the 2015-16 season and I would have Bryant as the front-runner at the moment. Jarrett Jack and Elfrid Payton are serious contenders too but each has a swingman on their roster that can handle the ball sometimes which should generate enough attention to get those PG’s some clean looks whether they end up falling or not.

The Kendrick Perkins Award

by Donnie Kolakowski (@donniebuckets)- Friendly Bounce

The Kendrick Perkins award goes to the player who complains to officials the most on blatant push-offs while attempting to grab a rebound. Even as his skills have declined, Perkins has kept his ability to put his arms out while looking stunned that giving a full-on shove is a foul.

There are several possibilities for this award, as every big man ever seems to think he never crosses the line while going for a board. I’m going to give the award to Jusuf Nurkic, though. Nurkic doesn’t seem to realize how strong he is, nor how much blatant contact he commits when on the court. Plus, with his unreal foul rate, he’ll have plenty of opportunities to look incredulous.

The Delly

by Kaveh Jam (@KavehsRoom) — Hardwood Paroxysm

The Delly acknowledges the unwavering irritant. He provides subtle but tangible value to the team by maneuvering defensively in ways that seep deep under the skin of the opponent’s best player. He’s not physically imposing or particularly skilled on defense. He doesn’t need to be because he thrives in the waters of creativity and is supremely observant.

He’s his own master of player scouting. He knows the direction of your first step. He cuts off driving lanes with subtle nudges, just enough to knock you off balance. He’s the guy that somehow slithers under every screen and trails you through traffic, bouncing through the paint like a pinball ricochet. His body is his biggest weapon and he’s unafraid of slinging it with abandon to rescue a loose ball or poke your dribble from behind. He’s always there, under your chin, over your shoulder, somehow emerging from it all unscathed from technical fouls or self-injury.

His impact, of course, is immeasurable as no statistic can capture ‘The Delly’s’ true value. He won’t be found among the league’s steals leaders. He’s too deft to be levied flagrant fouls. Previous winners include Brian Cardinal, John Stockton, Raja Bell, and Matthew Dellavedova for which the award has been named. This year’s contenders include Matt Barnes, Kelly Olynyk, Pablo Prigioni, and perennial winner Dellavedova.

The Lance

by Bryan Toporek (@btoporek) — Hardwood Paroxysm

The Lance represents the brutal pain of dashed offseason optimism. It’s awarded to the free-agent signing who disappoints most resoundingly, in honor of Lance Stephenson’s disastrous one-year tenure with the Charlotte Hornets in 2014-15.

While most of the atrocious contracts handed out this summer went to players re-signing with their incumbent squads (hi, Omer Asik!), a few new arrivals could go south quickly. The Dallas Mavericks may soon regret giving a four-year max deal to a soon-to-be 29-year-old Wes Matthews fresh off an Achilles tear, but he figures to at least remain semi-productive once he returns to the court. The same can’t necessarily be said about the Sacramento Kings’ decision to bring in Rajon Rondo, however.

The longtime Boston Celtic is notoriously combustible, which makes the Kings the league’s top powder keg ready to explode on a moment’s notice. If the Kings play Rondo alongside DeMarcus Cousins and Kosta Koufos, two bigs who work best offensively in the paint, the team’s on-court spacing figures to be virtually non-existent. Once the losses start piling up, Boogie trade rumors will once again begin to surface, casting the franchise into even greater disarray. There’s also a 95 percent chance Rondo pulls a Latrell Sprewell and attempts to choke out George Karl at some point this season. Getcha popcorn ready.

Warden of the Torture Chamber

by Miles Wray (@mileswray) – Hardwood Paroxysm

In football, you might call it Revis Island. If I were writing this two years ago, I probably would have enthusiastically included the phrase LARRY SANDERS! in the title. But I believe this award should have a title that will stay fresh for generations. Inspired by Kirk Goldsberry’s mind-shifting data-tracking study — and one of the first topics I ever wrote about for Hardwood Paroxysm — this award goes to the big man who allowed the lowest opponent field goal percentage at the rim each season. I want the unsung back-ups in here, too, so instead of having to qualify for the minutes title to be eligible for this award, one simply must play at least 10 minutes a game in at least 30 games.

NBA.com now has two years of tracking data on their site, meaning we can retroactively award two winners. (Ignore the guards and small forwards on these charts — I’m going to chalk up their inclusion here to randomness/statistical noise. Maybe a real statistician could tell me that’s the wrong thing to do, but personally I want big men only here.) In 2013-14, it was Charlotte’s Bismack Biyombo who locked down the title, allowing opponents an incredible 39.1% field goal percentage within five feet of the basket. Uh, that’s a lower success rate than Dion Waiters had on all shots last season (39.6%). Hidden-value maven Roy Hibbert locked down the silver medal (41.1%), and the very unlikely duo of Kendrick Perkins and Anthony Randolph tied for bronze (42.6%), with then-rookie Jeff Withey (42.7%) and Robin Lopez (42.8%) just a skosh behind. Last season, the honor went to — believe the hype — Rudy Gobert (40.4%), who was trailed by Serge Ibaka (40.8%), center of the league’s best defense Andrew Bogut (41.4%), and a surprise fourth-place finish from Meyers Leonard (42.3%).

I would also like to couple a devastating anti-award to go along with Warden of the Torture Chamber, for the big man who allows the highest opponent field goal percentage. We’ll call it The Corrupt Sentinel, or maybe The Incredibly Bribe-able Sentry. In 2013-14*, the leader would be over-matched stretch-man Steve Novak, then of the Toronto Raptors (62.9%), followed by Chris “Not That Chris Johnson” Johnson, then of the Boston Celtics (62.0%), and — what in tarnation — walking rebound vacuum Reggie Evans (61.6%). Last season, the surprise winner was Johnny O’Bryant, rookie on the defensively stout Milwaukee Bucks (61.5%), followed by two young Timberwolves, Robbie Hummel (60.6%) and Adreian Payne (60.3%).

I would think that most of these dudes, on both sides of the spectrum, would finish similarly in the standings again in 2015-16 — with two exceptions. Johnson is now on the Utah Jazz, and if he’s not a preseason cut (it’s a crowded roster over there), I’m assuming it will be because that defense is much improved. Also, now that Hibbert is a Laker, he might end up looking more like a Corrupt Sentinel this season — through no fault of his own, but just because his new teammates are no doubt going to let a lot of guards fly right through that key with a serious head of steam. Hibbert’s a great defender, but he can’t handle everybody at once.

*Yes, Aaron Gray is at the top of the linked chart with a deplorable 71.7% allowed rate. But Gray split time between the Raptors and the Sacramento Kings that season, and that rate is just from his time with the Kings. Include his time with the Raptors, and his rate rises to 72.2% — but his full-season minutes average dips down to 9.6, making him ineligible. Who wants to hate on players who have been forced into retirement due to heart conditions anyway. I am sure you are glad you have read this footnote, and I hope you are reassured about the diligent sanctity with which the Warden of the Torture Chamber Imaginary Award is treated.

The Pero Antic Memorial Irrational Confidence Big Man Marksman Award

by Taylor Smith (@TaylorBojangles) — Friendly Bounce

Bill Simmons coined the term “Irrational Confidence Guy”, defining it as “the guy who isn’t one of the team’s best players, but he’ll have stretches in which he THINKS he is.” There’s a certain amount of adorable charm that comes with watching guys like Nick Young, J.R. Smith and Lance Stephenson try and take over games all by themselves. Most of the time it fails miserably, but the rare instances in which they actually do catch fire are joyous occasions for all.

The (laboriously-titled) Pero Antic Memorial Irrational Confidence Big Man Marksman award is given to the ultimate “irrational confidence” chucker. Standing at least 6’10” tall, this guy could probably make his hay offensively somewhere near the rim. But no! He made 4-of-10 threes in practice that one time, so better showcase his talents to the world on the big stage! STRETCH-FIVES ARE THE FUTURE.

Pero Antic, a 6’11”, 260+ pound man-bear that would seem a natural fit as the next Bond villain, spent the majority of his time on offense with the Hawks last season roaming around the perimeter. Per NBA.com, a whopping 58.6% of Antic’s shot attempts last year came from beyond-the-arc. Sadly for Pero (and the Hawks, for that matter), he was only able to connect on only 30.1% of said three-balls. That is not good. That is very bad. In fact, it ranked dead-last in the league among all players at least 6’10” that attempted at least two threes a game (minimum 30 games played).

The Pero Antic Memorial Irrational Confidence Big Man Marksman Award is to be handed out to the big guy that’ll keep on chuckin’ even if he keeps on missin’. Unfortunately Antic won’t be able to defend his title, as he now plays for Fenerbahçe of the Turkish league. Hence the “Memorial” bit in the award’s name. He’s not dead, just gone. You’ll be in our hearts, Pero.

So, who will be taking home the hardware (NOTE: there’s no hardware) this season? The bigs ranking just ahead of Antic last season in three-point percentage were Spencer Hawes, Nikola Mirotic, Markieff Morris and Ryan Kelly. My preseason pick was going to be Darrell Arthur (23.6% last season!), but he’s only 6’9”. Rules are rules, you know. Tough break, Darrell. Maybe you’ll randomly grow an inch this year.

As a result, I’ll go with Markieff Morris. He was knocking on the door last season, so this could be the year. There’s big hype surrounding him for this one, folks. He’ll be looking to prove himself after a tumultuous summer, though it’s unclear if he’s actually spent time working on his game. It seems like he spent most of his offseason throwing a drawn-out tantrum about his brother being traded. Phoenix plays at a breakneck pace, which should allow for plenty of three-point opportunities for Kieff. And for plenty of bricks to be laid.

The Andre Award

By Dan Lewis – (@minutemandan) – Hardwood Paroxysm

Every year hundreds of players return to the NBA after spending the last four months enjoying some well deserved (or not-so-much deserved) rest. Some of the players return home, some spend time with their families, others ride banana boats with their bros. There are international commitments, service opportunities, and various basketball camps they may attend.

But when media day comes around, half of the players come back to team headquarters and utter the same phrase. “During the offseason, I lost about 15 pounds, which I attribute to blah, blah, blah,” comes out of their mouth. It’s a claim that often doesn’t have visual evidence to support it, and that visual evidence manifests itself shortly after when the player is huffing and puffing on the court after a few possessions. Lang Whitaker is able to keep track of Team #MuscleWatch, because it’s such a popular phrase.

You know who doesn’t lose 15 pounds in the offseason? Andre Miller, lord of the pre-game media dining room.

One of the most durable players in the league opened up in 2010 about his offseason workout regimen:

“I have no regimen. I really don’t pick up a basketball. (My diet) isn’t healthy at all. Hamburgers, hot links on the Fourth of July, all that.”

Andre Miller shows up, laces his shoes up behind his ankle like it’s 1985, and beats the crap out of the young players in the league. He throws alley-oops from half-court, rebounds, and muscles his man into the post to make someone look silly. He’s the picture of health, playing through injury, and being a dependable voice on the bench and in the locker room.

That’s why The Andre Award is such an important award. It’s an award given to the player who shows up looking the most out of shape for training camp and appears in the most games during the regular season. The winner will likely be a player that has secured a big contract, has a determined role on the team, and doesn’t have to impress a new head coach. I’m banking on Carmelo Anthony winning, but wouldn’t be surprised if a rookie like Willie Cauley-Stein challenged him for the title. I believe in you like I believe in the happiness at the bottom of a KFC bucket.

Remember – this isn’t a bad award. Andre Miller is a great player, and has had a great career. This is for a chunky player that does amazing, incredible, athletic things. It’s what the “player who makes the most of limited natural ability” should be. May The Professor continue to hold class as a member of the Minnesota Timberwolves this year, God bless him.