Slanging the best college football tailgates for Week 8 of the season.
Last week was a fun one on the Threat Level Tailgate scene. Normally holed up inside HQ – our humble storefront next to a vegan bakery and across the street from a burned down bowling alley – the overlords let me take things on the road to South Bend. All it took was a little verbal fellating, back room palm greasing and the promise not to request another day away until February – still an easy trade-off for free tickets to the Trojans-Irish tilt.
After blogging from the house, and then from the rental car, and then from a table inside the Legends Club (an on-campus sports bar with meh food, but lots of great beer) I was relived of writing duties and allowed to become a man of the people. A savage released back into his alcohol-drenched and charcoal-stained ecosystem.
The good folks up in South Bend could not have been more welcoming. I’ve seen my fair share of tailgates across the sporting spectrum but none have ever been as friendly as Notre Dame’s. There was not one mean word spoken, not one bit of trash talk, not one fight, and nothing but smiles. It was idyllic.
There were also a ton of cigars being smoked. I come from the land of cheap beer and trashy cigarettes, a place where the smell of strong bud knifes through the air. None of that was present at the Notre Dame lots. It was good brews, better alcohol and fat stogies. Very strange, but a fun difference.
A cat named Pistol Pete cooked up a 5-star spread for everyone around, and willfully doled out his soul-warming hot buttered rum recipe. It was the most beautiful sight these have ever seen.
It’s back to the hovel this week. After bouncing around for the past seven days, it’ll be
nice
a familiar call to hear the pre-schooler above the office practice his bowling stroke while trying to write the world’s next great blog.
As far as tailgates are concerned: this week is pretty dumpy. A lot of teams are coming in depressed, meaning the ‘gate scene will look more like a war-torn marching battalion than a rage fest. It’s all good though, because next week is the best tailgating scene of the entire year. Get your rest now.
Honorable mentions:
- No. 21 Houston at UCF – It started out as a cute gimmick; it’s turned into #SaveTheBasement. UCF is winless, meaning free beer at the local watering hole. Lose and you booze; win and you’ve upended the No. 21 team in the nation.
- Texas Tech at No. 17 Oklahoma – Oklahoma bounced back from the Texas loss by bringing out the f–kbeat stick on KSU (55-0). Fans should be licking their lips to ground good-lookin’ Kliff.
- No. 15 Texas A&M at No. 24 Ole Miss – Both teams are coming off losses, but a day tailgating in The Grove is better than any other game with a shot at Honorable mention.
5) Tulane at Navy (1 p.m. ET, Homecoming)
What happens when you’re dealt a bad hand of games? Navy Homecoming happens. But hey, like the sign above says, “Ship Happens.”
It should be a pretty day down in Maryland’s capital on Saturday – looks like mid-60s and partly sunny. Lots of pageantry, generations of uniformed soldiers, some great American marching music peppered in.
On the other side, a ton of Tulane’s student population comes from the Jersey area, meaning they’ll probably make the trip back up homeward. And that alumni will come down for the game.
Buttoned up military meets loose, rich Jewish trust fund babies: sounds like a divine melting pot that’s ripe for a s–tshow.
What to expect: Crackerjacks and crab cakes.
Threat Level: Down Periscope
4) Iowa State at No. 2 Baylor (12 p.m. ET, Homecoming)
Looks like this week’s tailgate scene is shaping up to be a two-pronged concept post. Sailing and homecoming – leggo.
Ever since Baylor was squeezed out of the inaugural College Football Playoff Art Briles has been a man possessed. He’s basically Tony Montana at the end of Scarface: bring out the big guns and either win it all or go down in a hail of gunfire.
Baylor only scored 56 in their season-opener against SMU. Briles got pissed. Now they put up 60 or run until they puke (guessing).
There’s nothing particularly exciting about Iowa State, other than the fact that it’s Homecoming Week and Briles will likely put Paul Rhodes out of his misery. Ever been sailgating during homecoming? Now’s your chance.
What to expect: Rich alumni and poor students partying on boats throughout the day and night.
Threat Level: Chris Crossed
3) Western Kentucky at No. 5 LSU (6:00 p.m. ET, Homecoming)
Again, nothing too crazy here, but it’s LSU and it’s homecoming and, again, it’s a late kick. A normal day down on the bayou is like homecoming, so God only knows what the actual event is like. Probably a lot of sparklers, I’m guessing.
We’re far enough into the season where there’s enough tape on Leonard Fournette to put it on a loop at the tailgate and then crush Abita Ambers while laughing at every person he makes look dumb. Maybe play a drinking game: take a shot every time Buga rips a run longer than 20 yards.
Kinda crazy that Fournette is doing the same thing in college that he was as an overmatched high school player.
What to expect: Boudin, booze and cross-eyed jabbering like Farmer Fran before the sun even sets.
Threat Level: Jockamo
2) Indiana at No. 7 Michigan State (3:30 p.m. ET)
This game is either feast or famine. Either the Spartans are so damn happy from last week that they haven’t stopped celebrating. Haven’t stopped talking mess. Haven’t stopped boozing and hollering, and all that good feeling will roll right over Saturday’s tailgate.
Or they’re tapped emotionally and too spent to show up in force against a better-than-usual Indiana squad.
Since I’m a beer half-full guy, I’m saying the former. Lots of laughs. Probably some dudes in khakis with big, fake brown spots on the rump. The whole deal.
What to expect: Delirious fans drinking Delerium
Threat Level: Perpetual euphoria
Tennessee at. No. 8 Alabama (3:30 p.m. ET)
In a slate full of blah lead-ups and ho-hum games, this one means something. Even if the records don’t indicate as much, this is one of the truly great hatred games in all of college football.
The Third Saturday in October always pits Tennessee against cross-divisional rival Alabama. The two teams have played 96 times, with Alabama holding a 51-38-7 advantage – including the current eight-game win streak. Winners always smoke cigars in the locker rooms, which adds a bit of old-school flair to the showings.
And if that long lineage isn’t enough, there’s now the Lane Kiffin factor. Think Tennessee fans aren’t still bitter? A fake telephone number was leaked that was believed to belong to Kiffin. As soon as butthurt Vols fans caught the scent they started calling and cussing out the man who left them high and dry more than a half-decade ago. This one is vicious.
There’s probably going to be fisticuffs and a whole lotta name calling going on outside Bryant-Denny Stadium. More denim overalls and houndstooth that should ever be allowed in a single location. It’s everything you’d want from a Tennessee-Bama tilt. Even when one team can’t figure out how to hold on to win games, hatred carries the party on through.
What to expect: Gumps and Vols going for the jugular.
Threat Level: Kiffin’s Krimson Korner