Threat level tailgate: Top 5 college football pregames for Week 9

Grading out the best tailgates for Week 9 of college football season.

Well I feel like a fraud. Better yet, to quote the great Colonel Nathan R. Jessup, “Don’t I feel like the f–king asshole.”

I’ve had this date circled on the calendar since, oh, January 13. This is one of the holiest weekends of the century – one of the fateful weekends where college football Saturday falls on Halloween. And yet, here I am, so excited that paralysis has gripped the brain and fingers. I’m like Nintendo 64 kid: so damn giddy that all I can do is paw at the computer like it’s a genie’s lamp ripe to open up Saturday’s goodness.

So before getting into the meat of the tailgate scene, here’s a quick thought on Halloween. There’s a lot of hard asses on the Internet who will tell you what to wear and what not to wear (this is, after all, the medium for know-it-alls). And to them I say, “shut the f–k up.”

When thinking about Halloween, I tend to wrap two of my favorite quotes together into one. The first comes from a bum named Spider that I met in a pub down in St. Augustine, Florida who, without any prompting, started talking about sex and delivered the rhapsodic, if not off-putting, line, “if it feels good, do it.”

The second comes from a friend who’s a hardened member of the Unitarian Church. When describing his religion to my glazed over look, he broke it down (thankfully) in the most rudimentary of terms: “bascially,” he said, “don’t be a dick.”

Halloween: If it feels good, do it, but just don’t be a dick.

Wanna be the slutty pizza rat? Have fun. Perhaps a prudish schoolmarm from the 1870s is in the cards. Get after it. Feeling lazy and wanna wear a free Trojan Condoms shirt they handed out outside of Thirsty Thursday this week, calling yourself Trojan Man? Why the f–k not. Some folks are creative; others aren’t.

It’s a time to dress up, play make believe and really just leave all the seriousness behind. This holiday is all about the party, and the God’s have smiled on us by making it for a Saturday. Carpe diem.

Oh, and as for me, I’m thinking either a member of Diamonds in the Rough, or slutty blogger. Jury is still out.

Honorable Mentions:

No. 19 Ole Miss at Auburn (12:00 p.m. ET) – End of the day, it’s still a Halloween tailgate down in SEC country. Auburn may be shit on your shoes, but they’ll show up in droves and make the best of things (even if it is early as hell).

No. 3 Clemson at NC State (3:30 p.m. ET) – Don’t look now, but NC State isn’t that bad. Everyone is waiting for the other shoe to drop in Clemson, and there will be plenty of razzing going on by the Wolfpack faithful.

Vanderbilt at No. 18 Houston (7:00 p.m. ET) – Holy balls, Batman, Houston is undefeated. We’re two weeks away from a monster showdown with Memphis. Tom Herman lives to beat the hell out of SEC teams (right, Bama?), and the Texas pride will be in full swing as the rowdy Cougars look to feast on one of the Southeastern Conference’s bottom-feeders.

5) Rutgers at Wisconsin (12:00 p.m. ET)

Why, in the name of all things holy, is a game kicking off at 11:00 local time in the top 5? Simple, young Padawan, it’s because Halloweens down in Madison are the stuff of legends. It’s called Freakfest, for God’s sake. Basically a pilgrimage for any red-blooded individual who has the party virus embedded deep within their flesh.

Sure, things have been tamed down since its inception, but there are estimates that around 30,000 people will flood State Street. Hard not to be excited about that. The football game is like an appetizer.

What to expect: Zombie drunk with 30,000 of your closest friends.

Threat Level: Bucked Up

4) Maryland at No. 10 Iowa (3:30 p.m. ET)

Here’s Iowa in a nutshell: No. 2 party school according to the Princeton Review; Playboy’s No. 5 party school; and the No. 10 team in the nation – one of a handful of unranked squads. You’re telling me this mother isn’t gonna pop off?

I don’t know what the hell goes down in Iowa City, but it’s only three and a half hours from Chicago and I’m reaaaaaally close to scrapping blog Saturday and finding out. Probably just a bunch of crazies in striped overalls doing the faux gator chomp, and that’s plenty good enough for me. Sounds like a strange ride.

Maryland is basically a lamb to the slaughter, and the kooks down in Iowa are going to be raging their faces off.

What to expect: Corn-fed craziness.

Threat Level: Vodka Samm

3) No. 9 ND at No. 21 Temple (8:00 p.m. ET)

Look at that picture up there. It looks like some good fun. I mean, yeah, there’s a ton of dudes (seriously, a f–kton – like only three women in the entire shot), but whatever – a little brodeo never hurt nobody. One dude’s fist pumping, there’s some Tostitos on the tailgate, and plenty of red cups (never a bad thing). I can dig.

College GameDay makes some head-scratching decisions when choosing its locations. For the life of me, I’ll never understand why they didn’t hit Bloomington when undefeated Indiana hosted Ohio State. They’ll never make it to Bloomington ever. That was the best chance.

Thankfully, they learned from past mistakes and hit this one right on the head. This is probably the only chance Temple ever had at hosting GameDay, so kudos to Lee Fitting for staying away from ol’ trusty down in Jacksonville for this one. The kids up in Philly will surely bring the heat.

There’s bound to be an unquestionable amount of weirdness around the set. Probably about a billion Rocky costumes. Maybe one dude dressed as a Pat’s cheesesteak squaring off with the one dressed as Geno’s. Signs saying that Santa deserved to get pelted with snowballs, and probably a green man or two.

What to expect: Guys being dudes.

Threat Level: Clubber

2) No. 8 Stanford at Washington State (10:30 p.m. ET)

Speaking of Fitting and GameDay, the traveling roadshow really had a Sophie’s Choice on its hands this week. Yeah, Temple was the right decision, but it meant turning down a trip to Pullman for Wazzu hosting Stanford. Hard to believe that the Cougars flag has been at a billion (give or take a few) consecutive episodes, and yet the damn show has never broadcast from Washington State’s campus. What a twisted world.

God only knows what it’s going to be like out there in Pullman for Halloween. If Mike Leach had his way, everyone and their brother would be dressed like a pirate ready to pillage the landscape. Late start means you can basically party your face off, go trick or treating, and then hit the game as the after party. After the after party

What to expect: Good ol’ fashioned debauchery.

Threat Level: Rock the plank.

1) Georgia at No. 11 Florida (3:30 p.m. ET)

Look, we all know the specs. It’s the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. There’s no beating it. It’s all the debauchery one would expect out of North Florida and South Georgia – jorts, cheap beer, great BBQ, kegs galore, Gator Growls, Dawgs barking etc. Even if both teams were winless this would still be the top tailgate – fans just come to party.

But here’s a bone to pick: why in the hell are the teams not wearing orange and black? UF goes all orange. UGA goes all black. It’s a Halloween spectacle. Double down on that and have all Georgia fans wearing black and Florida fans wearing orange. The stadium seating is split right down the middle. It’s too perfect. It’s a damn travesty that, on Halloween, we can’t have this beautiful display. Greg McGarity and Jeremy Foley need to iron this madness out and give the people what they want.

Rant over. Party on.

What to expect: Redneck messiahs forming a blacktop armada (and lots of jorts).

Threat Level: Gator Country