Dishing up the best college football tailgates for Week 10.
This column is my favorite piece that I write all week. It gets me in the mood for college football and, though Saturdays are really my Monday, gets me hyped for the weekend.
I also hate this column sometimes. There are times when I wanna throw on the ol’ coconut smuggler and swim laps down at the municipal gym. Or go eat a large pizza and drink seven Heinekens for lunch, just because it’s my off day. Or maybe pay some bills, open a big boy savings account with a bank actually located in my new city (the writing is on the wall, Suntrust) and, maybe vacuum the rug or take chores off my wife’s plate.
But, I suppose that’s like most careers. There are aspects you like, and others you don’t. Whatever, it’s nice to have a steady job.
This week has been an absolute bear, to the point where I was talking to the Johnny Manziel poster at my desk and telling him to have a good game … on Wednesday. Talking to Johnny was nothing new; mixing up the day of the week, that’s when you know it’s noodle brain city. Bring on the pigskin; help restore sanity in this addled brain cove.
Here are the tailgates that fell juuuuuust a bit outside the top five.
Honorable Mentions:
- Vanderbilt at No. 10 Florida (12:00 p.m. ET) – The last time Vandy played in Gainesville they beat the hell out of the Gators, 34-17 – the first time they won in The Swamp since World War II. That was the worst performance of the season until Georgia State beat the Gators a couple weeks later. It’s Homecoming, and Florida should have a chip on its shoulder – 12:00 kick hurts tailgate fun.
- Arkansas at No. 18 Ole Miss (3:30 p.m. ET) – Tailgate time down in The Grove is winding down quickly. Get it while you can.
- No. 11 Stanford at Colorado (1:00 p.m. ET) – Bud battle. Great West Coast kush versus Colorado’s beautiful blue sky buds. Fifty degrees and sunny tomorrow in Boulder. Sounds like a mellow kind of day.
5) No. 7 MSU at Nebraska (7:00 p.m. ET)
Michigan State might be good, or they might be lucky. Hell, they might be both … they’re probably both.
As for Nebraska, they suck. They were tired of winning nine or 10 games per year on the back of a hot-tempered madman. The old guard frowned on Bo Pelini’s histrionics. Better to lose nine games in a season meekly. Some things don’t make sense, man.
This tailgate is what’s known as the last hurrah. Basically, Nebraska’s season is f–ked. They have to win out to even have a chance at sniffing a bowl game. Even then it’ll probably be the Ray Kinsella Bowl, played in a cornfield in the Huskers’ most hated state of Iowa. The only fun left is being spoiler.
Nebraska has some of the best fans in all the land. They show up no matter what. This is probably the last real game where you can suck any enthusiasm out of them. A win keeps bowl hopes alive and effectively ends Sparty’s dream at a national championship.
It’s kinda like when you come home from a long ass day of work and just want to go to sleep. Randomly, your buddy calls you up because he just hit the scratch-off for $500. Even though you don’t want to go out, you meet him at the bar, push through the tiredness and go absolutely nuts off free liquor drinks. Next thing you know, it’s six in the morning, your wife is dusting Dorito crumbs off the couch and your mouth feels like a rabbit’s tail. It’s all on adrenaline.
What to expect: Glazed smiles and dead behind the eyes
Threat Level: Tired of losing to Purdue
4) Duke at North Carolina (12:00 p.m. ET)
The ACC Championship Game matchup is pretty much being decided today, and here is the first of the two games to do it.
Guess what: North Carolina is 7-1 (that lone loss coming in a disgusting season opener against South Carolina). Guess what pt. deux: Duke is also 7-1. Wait wut? The NCAA didn’t overturn that bullshit from last week? They just paddled the officials on the fanny and said “don’t come ’round these parts for four games,” you say? Jesus, man. ACC refs showing incompetence – first time for everything, amiright?
It’s always a hoot whenever UNC and Duke get together. Lots of argyle-clad trash talk, and nativist jabs (“Show me a Dookie born in the state of North Carolina and I’ll show you a pig with wings!”).
Also, basketball season is right around the corner, making the stakes a little bigger. This game already carries heavy implications for football, but it also serves as a segue into the roundball world.
What to expect: Debates over the merits of public university systems versus private universities (oh, and lots of delicious, vinegar-soaked pulled pork)
Threat Level: #PrayersUp
3) No.8 TCU at No. 14 Oklahoma State (3:30 p.m. ET)
If the Big 12 gets sucker punched by the College Football Playoff Committee and then two undefeated Big 12 teams face off four days later, does the game even matter? That’s College Football Existentialism 101 right there, folks. Bob Bowlsby must have taken a dump on Jeff Long’s driveway back in high school or something, because his conference is getting jobbed.
As far as tailgates go, this really makes for an odd situation, where despite both teams gunning for the same prize, fans of both sides are strangely cordial. After all, the enemy of my enemy is my friend.
There’s likely to be ax throwing competitions right at the groin of Long and the rest of the committee. As well as a lot of boozed up bulls–ting.
Fan 1: Hey, man, y-y-you know what? I-I don’t even want it. If they can’t understand that we’re the best conference in the country, then they can keep their f–king trophy.
Fan 2: Y-Yup. I’m with you, brother. They can’t even keep people on the dang committee, and we’re supposed to trust that hunk of junk? One True Champion. Ain’t no life like Big 12 life.
Fan 1: Damn right! You wanna do a funnel, dude?
Fan 2: Does Jeff Long pee sitting down?
Fans 1 and 2: Hahahahahahaha
What to expect: Circle jerk beer bongs
Threat Level: Suicide pact
2) No. 16 FSU at No. 1 Clemson (3:30 p.m. ET)
If you’re within two hours of Clemson, South Carolina and don’t go to this game, then I just don’t know what to do with you. Either your a heartless savage who, much like Janice in Accounting, just don’t give a f–k …
… or you have a “real life” and “chores” and “grownup” things to do. For your sake, I hope it’s the former.
Clemson is unquestionably the most interesting team in the nation. Not because they’re a good team and not because their coach created the otherworldly BYOG phrase (side note: how long until Dabo Swinney releases his memoir Bring Your Own Guts: Dabo Swinney’s Life with God, Family and Football?). They are must-watch television because Clemsoning is a thing, y’all.
The Tigers rolled up into a ball and started sucking their thumbs the last time Florida State was in town. And then last year, when gifted the opportunity to play against FSU’s backup quarterback, they piddled down the side of their leg and handed the game away to the Noles.
Clemsoning happens in football; Clemsoning happens in basketball; Clemsoning is a curse second only to that of the Chicago Cubs and that damned billy goat.
Can Dabo exercise the demons and at least get the Tigers to the College Football Playoff. If they beat FSU, then everyone in America will wait for them to fall to Syracuse. If not Syracuse then Wake Forest. If not Wake, then a rudderless South Carolina. This is the last 30 minutes of Zero Dark Thirty played out over the rest of the season – you will be hanging on every play, and will not blink.
As for the tailgate, well, buckle up. Clemson’s faithful will be jawing at FSU telling them this is the year, and that it’s payback time. Seminoles will be handing out business cards printed 51-14, and threatening to bury Howard’s Rock in the Sod Cemetery.
What to expect: Nerves of Jell-o
Threat Level: Clemsoning
1) No. 2 LSU at No. 4 Alabama (8:00 p.m. ET)
If you were forced to sell your soul in exchange for tickets to a college football game, this is the one you cough up your amorphous existence for. This, fellow Tailgate Savages, is where we start early, and get weird all the way into the wee hours of the night.
There will be an earthquake registered from this game. Bet on it. Seasons are on the line. Bama is dead if they lose. LSU is as good as dead, and places its fate into the hands of others.
Lord Saban versus the Mad Hatter. Gumps versus Corn Doggers. Bourbon versus … Bourbon! This is why we put up with all the BS in sports. Games like this take on an aura unto themselves and gain momentum like a snowdrift tumbling down K2.
Nothing I can type here will do this game justice. Make it to the tailgate, try to make it into the game, and try and remember all points in between. Oh, and buy a Gatorade for the morning hangover (life pro tip!).
What to expect: Football nirvana
Threat Level: Get Hype