7 stages of dealing with a disappointing football season

Coping with disappointment is an essential part of being a college football fan. 

Unless you’re one of the lucky fans who gets to root for a team in the upcoming College Football Playoff, chances are you’re going through a bit of a tough time at the moment. The college football regular season is done — man, it just flew by, didn’t it? — and more likely than not that your team underperformed in 2015, or if not underperformed then at least suffered a few easily preventable losses.

Think back to the early weeks of the season, back when your team was 3-0 and a prestigious bowl appearance seemed within grasp. Think about how exciting that was, how filled with hope you were. Now? Now there’s nothing but 20/20 hindsight and sadness and a million unanswerable what-if thought experiments.

College football is cruel; one bad snap, one blown call can wreck an entire season. That lack of forgiveness is both part of the college football’s appeal and a large reason why football season sees a spike in  self-medication, holes getting punched through walls, and promises to start attending church again. Devastation can occur in the blink of an eye. People cope however they can.

By its very nature college football promotes strong emotional reactions, and it’s important to not let those emotions get the best of you. This is not to say that you should deal with your disappointment by numbing yourself. Shutting yourself off from your feelings is not a healthy coping mechanism. No, what you should do is let your feelings wash over you. Embrace the healing process.

To help facilitate your emotional recovery, here’s a look at the seven stages of coming to terms with your team’s disappointing season. It’s important to know that what you’re going through is natural, and it’s valuable to know what to expect next. As you notice yourself passing from stage to stage, remember that you can’t rush the process, that you have to let the healing work at its own pace. Be patient and be positive.

(Note: the following has nothing to do with the trademarked 7 Stages of Grief, which we did not secure the rights to. This is a different list of stages, and the stages below just happen to number seven, but that is a coincidence and is not an intended infringement on any copyright.)

Stage one: Sadness mini-coma

Being a fan of college football is exhausting. Think about what you endure during the regular season. You have to recover from whatever your Friday night debauchery entailed in time to support your team via the consumption of alcohol and grilled meats, a combination which grants you, the fan, knowledge of football far surpassing that belonging any coach on the field. Being drunk, stuffed to the bursting point with hot dogs, and always right about third-down play calls for 12 Saturdays every autumn is tiring.

Listen to your body. It’s screaming for rest. Shut off most of your brain for a day and let the sadness flow through you. Curl up and let your emotions, whatever they may be, come to the surface, perhaps in the form of tears.

Remember: it’s not a blanket fort, it’s a solace palace.

Stage Two: Brooding over blown calls

It was those corrupt refs, wasn’t it? You know, the refs from the fourth game of the season. The officials who missed that obvious holding call in the second quarter. Remember that holding call, how it cost your team a first down in a scoreless game? Why, the whole season could’ve gone differently had the proper call been made! And those refs, those damn refs, screwed you over.

If you really need to vent your hatred for those so-clearly-biased-against-your-team refs — probably part of some big conspiracy on the part of the television networks, they are — consider buying a zebra piñata and obliterating it with a baseball bat. Even better, make your own piñata. It’s not hard, it’s a fun project for your now-free weekend, and the cathartic release of smashing your own creation to smithereens can’t be described. When it comes to semi-violent expressions of anger, go organic.

Stage Three: Schadenfreude

Taking joy in the suffering of others is a great and totally healthy way to mask pain. It’s efficient; the Germans have a word for it. Why wallow in your own misery when you can step away from your sadness for a moment and get that sweet, sweet rush that comes from others’ pain.

Take a look around your conference. Is there another team that fell short of expectations? Sure there is. Free yourself from your own heartache by taking delight in reading about the emotional hardships of another group of fans. Allow yourself to laugh. It is the best medicine, and until we get universal healthcare it’s the most affordable medicine on the market.

Stage Four: Feigned indifference

Who cares, right? Caring about football is so normcore. There are, like, big problems and stuff. It’s pretty silly to get worked up over a glorified recess game when you could be worked up over, I dunno, plagues or something.

Yeah, who cares? Not you, that’s for sure! Nah, see you knew all along that the season was going to be a bust, that the players would be subpar and the coaching staff clownish and incompetent, so it’s not like you have any reason to be upset now. Yeah, that’s it. You already emotionally checked-out months ago, back during the third game, and all those Saturdays you then spent yelling at your TV and openly weeping in front of your friends and family… yeah, those were all for… for show. Yeah, for show, because you had to keep up appearances, but in reality you were already detached, building up your shell, yes you were. Yep, that’s it.

Stage Five: Getting stoned and watching Primer over and over until you convince yourself that the only thing standing between you and a time machine is a little elbow grease and a clean garage

This stage is usually followed by an elaborate pizza order — brain fuel! — which is great because eating your feelings is endlessly satisfying.

Stage Six: Immersing yourself in recruiting

Nothing says well-adjusted quite like pouring over teenagers’ highlight reels in your spare time. But seriously, watching footage of your team’s recruiting class is an important part of the college football emotional recovery process. It’s a sign that you’re ready to be hopeful again, and that’s good.

High school highlight reels are great because the disparity in athletic talent between the best and worst players is vast. That two-star running back recruit verbally committed to your team? Watch a few minutes of him running through undersized teens and you’ll be convinced that he’s a future Doak Walker winner. Who cares if he’s going up against scrawny defenses composed of guys who are just on the team to get one of those snazzy jackets? That speed and vision can’t be coached!

Stage Seven: Unwavering confidence in next season

Next year your team is going to stomp through non-conference play, pull off a few upsets in the middle of the year, and end things with a decisive win over your rival. It seems preordained. You can feel it in your bones (or whichever body parts you have designated for divinatory purposes).

Yeah, next year will be a complete turnaround. Next year will be grand and joyous. Now all you have to do is survive the interminable off-season wait.