Manning vs Newton: A commercial analysis

If you love brands and having said brands tell you to buy material goods — and who doesn’t, honestly? — the Super Bowl is pretty much like heaven, only without the whole “dying” thing. It’s a special occasion. You can watch boring ol’ football any Sunday; Super Bowl commercials only come out once per year. The ads are the main attraction, and deservedly so.

Considering how the Super Bowl is the ultimate day to celebrate brands, a holy ceremony in honor of Stuff We Didn’t Want To Buy Before But Now Kinda Want Because That Ad Was LOL, it’s only fitting to break down Sunday’s biggest matchup — Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning vs Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton — using the commercials they’ve respectively starred in. Doing so will not only provide unparalleled insight into a game that has been discussed to death, it may also encourage you to buy a product of some sort. Supporting brands is a top-three act of American patriotism, right between eating hot wings and voting for third-party presidential candidates. Don’t shirk your patriotic duty.

So kick off your Nikes, sit back in your La-Z-Boy, crack open a fresh Budweiser, grab some Tostitos (both the chips and the salsa), and prepare to dive into the wonderful world of commercials. What can commercials tell us about the two quarterbacks who will be squaring off in Sunday’s game? Who looks to have the advantage? Who is more likely to walk out of the stadium a champion? I’ve broken down the matchup into three key categories. The commercials reveal the answers.

Preparation

“All things are ready, if your mind be so.” William Shakespeare said that. I Google’d “preparation + quotes + books” and found it on GoodReads, so I assume that it has something to do with preparation. When in doubt, trust the brand. The brand knows best.

With two full weeks to prepare, both Newton and Manning should be at their best on Sunday. But some preparation is more equal than others, which I think is another book quote, but I’m not sure. (I should read more.) From the looks of things it seems as if Newton has the edge. It’s hard not to go with the guy working out in expensive headphones, talking about how he wants to prove the doubters wrong. That shows dedication! Just look at how focused Newton is in the ad for Beats by Dre. Look at his intensity!

No wonder he won MVP.

Manning, on the other hand, is out here scarfing down chicken parm sandwiches like his life depends on it.

Seriously, the guy has an obsession with chicken parm (not to mention pizza). It’s a gosh darn tasty sandwich, yes, but you can’t be gorging on snacks before the big game. You’d think a veteran like Manning would know better. Perhaps Newton, the fresh upstart, just wants it more.

Advantage: Newton, because he won’t be the one suffering stomach cramps from overeating.

Arm strength

Newton is the clear winner here, right? Not so fast. Just look at Manning bomb the Nerf Vortex Ultra Lite in this ad:

That’s some impressive stuff right there. But that’s an old ad, an ad from back when Manning’s forehead was still a few inches short of monstrous, you say. Certainly it’s not relevant to Sunday’s game!

For starters, don’t forehead-shame. It’s rude. More importantly, the best ads are timeless, so in the world of ads Manning’s arm is still in tip-top Nerf-catapulting shape. But the little kid could also chuck that Nerf Vortex Ultra Lite quite a ways, you say, still trying to interject logic into a situation where it’s so clearly not wanted. To which I say, sure, that kid had a cannon for an arm, but at look at Newton in this Play 60 commercial:

Newton’s clearly intimidated. Why? Because he knows his arm is no match for that little child’s. You don’t see Manning backing down from children. In fact, Manning is so confident that he’ll gladly teach kids proper throwing mechanics:

Advantage: Manning, because he’s not scared of a child taking his job and becoming his mom’s favorite player.

Leadership

Quarterbacks need to be leaders. (It’s one of those little nuanced football insights that only us smartypants bloggers know, but here I am, generously offering it to y’all.) A team without a good leader isn’t effective, like an analogy that’s poorly planned and goes nowhere.

As far as leadership goes, this Oreo ad is cause for concern:

Notice how Manning is out competing by himself, chasing glory in an empty stadium. Perhaps that shows competitive spirit, but it also shows a me-first attitude. It’s symptomatic of someone more concerned with the limelight than whatever flavor of light comes off a championship trophy. A good leader isn’t concerned with hogging the attention. A leader knows that football is a team game, that compromise is important.

In contrast to Manning, check out Newton in this Gatorade spot:

Who would you rather have as your leader? The guy rolling solo, chasing glory all by his lonesome, or the guy who will share the tub with you? Yeah, thought so.

Advantage: Newton, because there’s no “I” in “team,” not even if you’re really, really, really bad at spelling.

Conclusion

While Manning has experience on his side, having starred in ads since the days of the black-and-white TV, Newton looks like the better bet. (Not that betting and the Super Bowl are at all associated. It’s just a phrase people use.) Sure, Manning may be the more physically gifted quarterback, but Newton has the intangibles down. The commercial footage doesn’t lie, nor would it ever be able to even conceive of the concept of lying, because brands are never manipulative and commercials are pure vessels for truth.

Newton will outperform Manning and take home MVP honors. Sorry, Denver fans, but there’s no other conclusion to be drawn. Commercials are never wrong.