Welcome to Meltdown Tuesday.
The sports world is trying to recover without the National Football League to rely on every Sunday. The Super Bowl is over, and now we are left with a bunch of middling hockey and basketball regular-season games. But wait! We got the damn college basketball schedule, which doesn’t get real until March.
With all that being said, Matt Verderame and Jonathan Bass, a pair of enraged FanSided editors, take aim at the weekly topics.
Verderame: Alright you slack-jawed yokel, let’s do this.
Bass: Some folk’ll never eat a skunk but then again some CENSORED. Leggo!
Verderame: How did you feel about the dunk contest?
Bass: Didn’t watch it live (was face down in $1.50 oysters a some joint up in Andersonville), but the replay looked awesome. Feel like Gordon got jobbed. That reclined dunk was legit.
Verderame: I didn’t watch it because it was two guys I’ve barely heard of. How about getting some real talent on the court?
Bass: Who do you want out there? LBJ? Best thing that man ever did was stay away. He’s strictly an in-game dunker. It’s a contest for the young guns. Not their fault none of the newer guys in the league don’t have crazy hops.
Verderame: I want somebody I’ve actually heard of. People are such prisoners of the moment, saying that this is the greatest dunk contest ever. In three years, nobody will remember who these guys are.
Bass: Who have you heard of?! James Dolan has buried you under a pile of skeletons and broken dreams, that you can’t see the league clearly anymore. There can’t be 5 Porzingises out there. What do you want: Melo to be in there and Phil to come Gillooly his knees? Check it … that’d be kinda entertaining.
Verderame: Don’t you talk to me like that. I’ll wreck this whole piece. I want Draymond Green and Russell Westbrook. I want D’Angelo Russell and Andrew Wiggins. Then, I want Anthony Bennett and Darko.
Bass: Fair enough. Hell, let’s just do all the big busts. Darko, Bennett, Derrick Williams – losers have their contracts voided and banished from the league forever. Winner gets to sign with whatever team he wants for $2 and a bologna and American cheese sandwich.
Verderame: Bennett to the Knicks! Bennett to the Knicks!
Bass: Moving On…
Verderame: Speaking of the Knicks, excited for whatever crap trade they pull off to enrage their fans by Thursday?
Bass: I want them to bring in Blake Griffin just to watch your head explode.
Verderame: James Dolan needs to be taken to the docks or something. He is going to screw us. The Knicks should do everything possible to deal Carmelo Anthony and bring back expiring deals and young players. They will do the exact opposite.
Bass: It’s actually amazing that Dolan can still walk the streets of New York. Hell, that he can even play in kazoo in clubs without somebody sprinkling arsenic in his seltzer water. Figured he would’ve disappeared a long time ago. Probably why he was a big part behind the Mike and the Mad Dog reunion – do juuuuust enough to stay in people’s good graces.
Verderame: He’s a monster. I just want him to go to sleep for a very long time. The pain needs to end at some point, but the Knicks are going to screw us all.
Bass: What’s the biggest trade you see happening? Believe that Miami-ATL-Houston three-way?
Verderame: I don’t buy into that nonsense. I think Jeff Teague goes to the Knicks, and I think D’Angelo Russell comes seriously close to being moved
Bass: How in God’s name has Byron Scott bungled that one? Russell was one of those can’t-miss prospects and is ridiculously talented. Just terrible.
Verderame: He should be fired immediately, but Jim Buss is too much of a stooge to figure that out. Los Angeles is more dysfunctional than New York
Bass: I wanna see K-Love get shipped out. If for no other reason than to put another feather in LBJ’s cap for being a terrible GM. He’s really positioning himself to be the next Isiah Thomas … and that is not a compliment.
Verderame: Isiah Thomas belongs in prison.