EMERGENCY RTOE
Los Angeles Clippers new mascot: Thoughts?
Ryne Prinz (@ryneprinz): I’m still processing everything.
Wes Goldberg (@wcgoldberg): It’s a bird who clearly likes sports and, unlike other mascots, has an agenda. Safety! It’s got a helmet and knee pads for when it’s doing its stunts. Cue it up to a liberal Los Angeles agenda, but at least this bird has something to say.
Chris Barnewall (@ChrisBarnewall): It’s a fine mascot for kids. For adults? It’s the funniest thing we’ve ever seen.
Taylor Smith (@TaylorBojangles): There’s a lot to think about here, but this mascot is a perfect representation of what the Ballmer Clippers are going for. Blurring the line between edgy and cheesy. And what’s with all the padding? Hopefully he’s just being well protected in order to perform some crazy mascot stunts. Dunking from the rafters? WHY NOT.
Donnie Kolakowski (@donniebuckets): You all are too kind. It’s a condor. With a freaking helmet.
Are…are those knee pads?
Prinz: [audible sigh]
Goldberg: Yep. For when Windows crashes.
Barnewall: Is that a helmet?
Smith: Gotta protect them spaghetti legs.
Kolakowski: Helmet and knee pads. Because those are two things you associate with basketball.
WAIT DID STEVE BALLMER SERIOUSLY DUNK!?
Prinz: BALLMER DON’T LIE.
Goldberg: You’re up, Mark Cuban.
Barnewall: It was glorious.
Smith: CLIPPER NATION IS LIT.
Kolakowski: You know when Brad Stevens dunked the Clippers PR staff was like, “Crap, Steve’s definitely going to want to do that.”
Where does this rank among mascots in the NBA?
Prinz: What’s worse than dead last?
Goldberg: Iiiiiiiiiiiii kinda think it’s pretty good. Like, at least it’s a real thing and something kids will recognize as a bird. Beats the crap out of Pierre the Pelican 1.0. Given how poorly the Microsoft Surface did right out the gate, this is a step in the right direction for Steve Ballmer.
Barnewall: It’s in the bottom third, but it’s definitely not the worst mascot out there. Kids should like it.
Smith: Like I said earlier it’s a spot-on embodiment of this era for the Clippers. May as well go as wheels-off as possible with it.
Kolakowski: I’m no mascot expert, but Wes is right that it’s better than Pierre 1.0. This makes me laugh instead of cry.
Biggest mascot fail: This, Pierre the Pelican, or the BrooklyKnight?
Prinz: Chuck the Condor. I don’t care if the BrooklyKnight was discontinued after only two years, and it’s still better than this. His name is Chuck.
Goldberg: The BrooklyKnight and it’s not even close. Pierre was a more perfect combination of horror and humor than The Ring and the Brooklyn Night got straight up ended. At least Pierre got a makeover and came back saying “Who, me? Yeah I guess I got a little work done.” This bird isn’t bad.
Barnewall: They literally messed up Pierre so bad that they had to change his appearance. Even though the BrooklyKnight was hilariously named after a porn star on accident, nothing will top the horror of Pierre.
Smith: The BrooklyKnight was discontinued, right? The original Pierre was horrendous, but the Nets didn’t even bother trying to edit the original BrooklyKnight. That’s the ultimate fail. Somehow, feigning mascot plastic surgery is less pathetic than killing the mascot altogether. I’m just assuming the Nets explained the Knight’s departure by saying he died on the way to his home planet.
Kolakowski: Maybe Pierre wasn’t a failure. The thing’s a better horror villain than anything cooked up in the last decade. Maybe he was just a cruel joke. So, I’ll go with Chuck, because, while trying to be edgy, they made a condor named Chuck with a helmet. The Clippers bench misfires less than whoever came up with this thing.