Fansided

The five worst people during March Madness

By Stu White

Feb 13, 2016; Durham, NC, USA; Duke Blue Devils fans also known as Cameron Crazies get pumped up before the start of their game against the Virginia Cavaliers at Cameron Indoor Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Mark Dolejs-USA TODAY Sports
Feb 13, 2016; Durham, NC, USA; Duke Blue Devils fans also known as Cameron Crazies get pumped up before the start of their game against the Virginia Cavaliers at Cameron Indoor Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Mark Dolejs-USA TODAY Sports /
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BERLIN, GERMANY – JULY 21: A contestant competes in the ‘Vinyl Record Spinning Contest,’ in which competitors must run around a record player while keeping a finger on a record, at the second annual Hipster Olympics on July 21, 2012 in Berlin, Germany. With events such as the ‘Horn-Rimmed Glasses Throw,’ ‘Skinny Jeans Tug-O-War,’ ‘Vinyl Record Spinning Contest’ and ‘Cloth Tote Sack Race,’ the Hipster Olympics both mocks and celebrates the Hipster subculture, which some critics claim could never be accurately defined and others that it never existed in the first place. The imprecise nature of determining what makes one a member means that the symptomatic elements of adherants to the group vary in each country, but the archetype of the version in Berlin, one of the more popular locations for those following its lifestyle, along with London and Brooklyn, includes a penchant for canvas tote bags, the carbonated yerba mate drink Club Mate, analogue film cameras, asymmetrical haircuts, 80s neon fashion, and, allegedly, a heavy dose of irony. To some in Berlin, members of the hipster ‘movement’ have replaced a former unwanted identity in gentrifying neighborhoods, the Yuppie, for targets of criticism, as landlords raise rents in the areas to which they relocate, particularly the up-and-coming neighborhood of Neukoelln. (Photo by Adam Berry/Getty Images)
BERLIN, GERMANY – JULY 21: A contestant competes in the ‘Vinyl Record Spinning Contest,’ in which competitors must run around a record player while keeping a finger on a record, at the second annual Hipster Olympics on July 21, 2012 in Berlin, Germany. With events such as the ‘Horn-Rimmed Glasses Throw,’ ‘Skinny Jeans Tug-O-War,’ ‘Vinyl Record Spinning Contest’ and ‘Cloth Tote Sack Race,’ the Hipster Olympics both mocks and celebrates the Hipster subculture, which some critics claim could never be accurately defined and others that it never existed in the first place. The imprecise nature of determining what makes one a member means that the symptomatic elements of adherants to the group vary in each country, but the archetype of the version in Berlin, one of the more popular locations for those following its lifestyle, along with London and Brooklyn, includes a penchant for canvas tote bags, the carbonated yerba mate drink Club Mate, analogue film cameras, asymmetrical haircuts, 80s neon fashion, and, allegedly, a heavy dose of irony. To some in Berlin, members of the hipster ‘movement’ have replaced a former unwanted identity in gentrifying neighborhoods, the Yuppie, for targets of criticism, as landlords raise rents in the areas to which they relocate, particularly the up-and-coming neighborhood of Neukoelln. (Photo by Adam Berry/Getty Images) /

3. The Hipster Who Hates March Madness (And Must Tell You About It)

Of all the obnoxious people who pop up during March Madness, you can guarantee that, paradoxically, The Person Who Hates March Madness will end up talking the most about it. Oh, said person just can’t wait to corner you in an uncomfortably forced conversation and flaunt the intellectual and emotional sophistication that goes hand-in-hand with not caring about things that a majority of other people care about. Because, you know, there’s nothing cooler, nothing more emblematic of an advanced world outlook, than dislike of the popular.

This person, more than likely wearing glasses without lenses, will throw around words like “spectacle” and “brainwashed masses.” He or she will probably misremember and then butcher a paraphrase of Robert Downey Jr.’s anti-football screed from Back to School. Your oh so obvious intellectual inferiority will not just be implied, but outright suggested. Fun times.

The key thing to do when you encounter one of these poor souls is to just walk away. There is no saving The Person Who Hates March Madness, no shot at redemption. Don’t try to show highlights or talk about the unparalleled electric thrill of a double-OT nail-biter. Don’t try to proselytize or convert. Recognize a lost cause for what it is. If you’re feeling generous, say a prayer or two.

Next: 2. The Person Who Whines About Work

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