The All-Awful Fan Tattoo Team: NBA Finals Edition

Sports fans and their endless thirst to tat themselves up in a misguided effort to convey their undying love for their favorite team or player isn’t exactly a new concept. In fact, it’s a very popular one; and one that somehow appears to be gaining steam despite countless colossal fails that routinely land in an already crowded sea of permanent regret.

The biggest cliche of the lot, at least for now, are of the predictive sort. You know, like this:

Detroit Lions, Super Bowl Champs!

Yeah… NO.

But shortsighted decisions such as the one we have here are more or less cookie cutter in terms of design — team logo, trophy, year, champs!

And, as exhibited by the hairy leg above, that all-important year can always be revised, even in the sloppiest of ways. So, really, this “style” is somewhat safe despite the immense stupidity that goes into such a presumptuous decision.

The truly worst kind of sports tattoos, though, are the ones where fans take an abrupt hard right off the open road and plow directly into an insurmountable tree, otherwise known as “creating something random and awful.” Because chances are, unless you happen to be an actual artist, your concept and subsequent design both SUCK.

HOWEVER, ya’ gotta support the team.

Which, alas, naturally brings us to the “All-Awful Fan Tattoo Team,” NBA Finals edition.

If we’re lucky, maybe they’ll be a tat or two centered around LeBron James.

Cleveland Cavaliers

1. Kevin Love & LeBron James

Photo via Cavs Nation

Kevin Love on one shoulder blade, King James on the other. At one point in time — say, before this duo played their first game together — this would’ve been a sound idea. ‘Twas not to be. Now, fittingly, Kevin Love roams the court wearing “0” rather than the original No. 42 that the armless version of Love is sporting above.

If it were up to LeBron, he’d fire that ball directly at Love’s head, sending him right off this dude’s shoulder blade.

2. LeBron James “Witness”

Photo via Strepik

If you’re going to pay tribute to LeBron James in the form of a tattoo by using a freakin’ Nike slogan of all things, I do hope you’ve already made plans to swim and have sex with your shirt on for the rest of your life.

In a word? ABOMINATION. In four words? Complete and utter ABOMINATION.

3. LeBron James Flesh Jersey

Photo via Strepik

Throwing a player’s jersey on your back in the form of ink — incredibly cheap ink — has to be one of the dumbest, most over the top tattoo ideas a sports fan can think of. What adult wants to wear a jersey, let alone a skin jersey?

Sadly, it gets even worse when said tattoo offers up such an obvious air that it cost more than originally expected and funds have run dry:

“Yeah, that’s fine. Just pencil in ‘JAMES’ as poorly as possible. It’ll still look cool.”

In 10 years, this embattled dude will be forced to explain to his kids what the hell “JAMES” + “6” even means, because after a brief stint, LeBron is happily adorning No. 23 again. As he should.

4. “CLEVELAND”

Photo via CleveScene

Sure, it doesn’t directly convey “Cavs” but I’m going to venture to guess that wedging the word “Cleveland” and its accompanying skyline between your tits and your neck means you are ALL IN on everything the city of Cleveland has to offer, and that includes sports. That also includes sadness. Great, great sadness.

In the spirit of this mess, here’s a free suggestion for the area just south of this bro’s personal skyline. After all, it is the summer:

Photo via reddit

Significant improvement.

5. J.R. Smith’s Biggest Fan

Photo via TheSportster

J.R. Smith has so many elaborate tattoos that when he hugs himself, a secret treasure map is revealed. Of those many tats, the Cavs guard happens to have his nickname, Swish, inked where his neck meets his chin. It honestly looks very cool — see it here — but the thing is rarely if ever seen by viewers. HOWEVER, what we have right here is one of the world’s biggest J.R. Smith fans who tragically opted for the “bag of Sharpies meets Puffy Paint” approach.

Next time just buy a jersey, man.

Golden St. Warriors

1. “Steph Curry Glam”

Photo via Pinterest

I’m not entirely sure what the goal was here, but the end result is Steph Curry looking like he’s got some serious, majestically flowing hair properly pulled back so as to keep it from negatively affecting his 3-point percentage.

To be honest, Steph with hair longer than Randy Johnson in the late 90s would be a pretty special gift from the basketball gods. Make it happen, Ayesha.

2. Who Exactly Is THIS?

Photo via SakeTattoo

This tattoo is described as “black and grey Stephen Curry portrait tattoo work.” Uhhhh, OK.

Call me crazy, but perhaps — PERHAPS — there wasn’t enough grey worked in? If it weren’t for the artist incorporating Steph’s signature dangling mouthpiece, I could easily be talked into thinking this were a young Len Bias or Doc Gooden. Or really, anyone on the planet not named Stephen Curry.

3. Steph Curry “Caricature Calf”

Photo via OnSizzle

A Steph Curry caricature rendering taking up someone’s entire calf that features the Warriors point guard staring you dead in the eyes while holding the Larry O’Brien Trophy and his MVP hardware? As psychotic as this approach appears, I kinda love it. This would be the very rare case in life that calls for #AlwaysWearShorts.

I don’t care if you’re snowboarding or walking through a furious blizzard for days on end, if your calf houses this tat, shorts must be worn. People would be dying to talk to you. But Steph’s piercing eyes would prevent any social intrusions.

4. The Dog In The Warriors Hat

Photo via pikdit

It’s official. The Warriors are even winning the awful tattoo game. And while I hesitate to call ANYTHING involving a dog tribute “awful,” I simply could not leave this one on the cutting room floor. Frankly, Tyson looks downright badass in that Warriors snapback. Better than most humans, in fact.

Do it for Draymond, DO IT FOR TYSON.

5. The Trophy Leg

Photo via imgrum

Unless you’re an NBA player who has actually won a championship (and even then it would still be questionable) the only thing dumber than inking up half of your leg with a shiny NBA trophy would be to slap a glistening penis on it. But maybe that’s on the other leg.

I wish we somehow had official confirmation on that.

Honorable Mention

The J.R. Smith ‘Brow

Photo via Instagram

J.R. Smith’s brother has a tattoo on his back of J.R. Smith giving The People’s Eyebrow. Why? Because he’s J.R. Smith’s brother.

There’s Also This…

The O.J. Simpson Mugshot

Photo via OverMedia

A bizarre yet timeless classic, and one that forever remains relevant to the NBA Finals, thus giving us the perfect excuse to post it right here.

Oh, and thanks again for the outstanding anecdote, Jeff Van Gundy. Just beautiful stuff that made all the sense in the world when you really think about it.

Final Question

There are people, actual humans, proudly roaming earth with tattoos of guys like Charlie Villanueva, Matt f’ing Bonner, and the GOD DAMN Pizza Rat, yet there’s not ONE person who has Allen Iverson stepping over Tyronn Lue?!?

The best we could find is a freakin’ sweatshirt:

Photo via Dunk360

You’re much, much better at being much, much worse, America.

Snap out of it.