Bacon Sports Hot Take: Stephen A. Smith & KD

On this July 4th holiday, Stephen A. Smith hating on Kevin Durant for chasing his lifelong dream of winning an NBA title by signing with the Golden State Warriors is as lame and un-American as it gets. I didn’t say my prayers and take my vitamins all these years like the Hulkster told me to only to have an insufferable talking head who spews condescending drivel to rain down on this sports- and America-loving parade. This weekend was one of celebration all the way around.

I’m certainly not the first nor the last that will give a “Stephen A Smith is the worst” take, but on the day of shooting off fireworks in the names of freedom, independence, and the biggest NBA transaction since LeBron James took his talents to South Beach, Stephen A. Smith represents the opposite of what my sports fandom and patriotism looks like.

Excuse me while I put on Hulk Hogan’s “I Am A Real American” entrance video to get my patriotic juices flowing.

My sports fandom is doing roundoff back handsprings at the thought of Kevin Durant joining a team that just won the most regular season games in NBA history AND will have two MVP’s on the floor at the same time PLUS the other millions of jaw dropping, jump out of your seat, NBA Jam He’s On Fire-worthy moments we’ll get to lose our shit over on a nightly basis.

The currently-wearing-a-Mitch Richmond-Team USA-jersey-while-listening-to-Tom Petty-and-eating-bacon American in me can’t fathom why putting yourself in a better chance to succeed and achieve your lifelong goals would be met with anything but congratulations. If given the chance, wouldn’t we all want to take a path that would allow us to achieve our goals and dreams faster?

I know that I don’t want to make an enemy out of Stephen A. Smith, especially when talking about Kevin Durant.

(Said in a Stephen A. Smith saying Rasho Nesterovic or Slava Medvedenko voice): HOWEVA.

You know who Stephen A. Smith is? Former WWF wrestler Bob Backlund.

Bob Backlund had the worst gimmick ever, yet somehow kept getting a push from the higher-ups. This led to him inexplicably holding the WWE Heavyweight title for a hot second, earning him the distinction as the least likable champ ever. His only move was spazzing out and putting opponents in the crossface chickenwing, something fans everywhere wish they were subjected to when forced to watch one of his matches or promos.

Talking loud and patronizing while being a downer to sports fans everywhere is Stephen A. Smith’s crossface chickenwing.

The same way I would immediately change the channel every time a Bob Backlund match came on is the same way I react when I hear anything from Stephen A. Smith.

It’s like that scene in Billy Madison where the audience is all dumber for having listened to Billy’s answer.

That’s how I feel every time a Stephen A. Smith hot take somehow pushes its way onto my attention graph despite my many efforts to avoid him.

With Skip Bayless gone, Stephen A. Smith holds the ESPN Heavyweight attention title now. We all know that Stephen A. Smith isn’t our REAL Heavyweight champion of sports takes, and our attention just like we knew that Bob Backlund wasn’t the REAL Heavyweight champion when he stepped in the ring with Big Daddy Cool Diesel and promptly got powerbombed in 8-seconds.

There were a million better and more believable choices for Heavyweight champion than Bob Backlund, just like there are a million better choices for takes on Kevin Durant going to the Warriors than Stephen A. Smith.

Stephen A. Smith makes me wanna powerbomb my ears and the only thing I want powerbombing my ears on 4th of July weekend is the sound of fireworks with a side order of “holy crap can you believe Kevin Durant is actually going to the Warriors.”

Because that’s what my America celebrates. Awesome shit.

Kevin Durant going to the Warriors is awesome and so is celebrating America’s birthday.