The Weekside: The five greatest Americans playing in the Rio Olympics

The nations of the world will gather in Rio de Janiero tomorrow for an Opening Ceremonies to kick off the 2016 Olympics. Much has been made of the issues surrounding the games. There is labor unrest among local law enforcement, contaminated water in the sea, poor living facilities for the athletes, and the presence of a Zika outbreak.

But the Olympics are still the Olympics, and chances are that the basketball competition will go smoothly. Team USA is a landslide favorite, with everyone expecting the nation’s best to win a third straight gold medal for country.

Thus, it is not worth the effort to breakdown the teams most likely to win in Rio. If the Mike Krzyzewski-led squad plays to its capabilities, it will come out on top. If not, it will be an embarrassment.

Instead, a better exercise is handicapping Team USA itself.

Basketball rankings are always fraught with controversy, however. Who can judge one player superior to another?

So instead of opening that can of worms, we embarked on a quest to decide which players on the team best represent their country. The following can be considered the definitive ruling on which five players in Brazil are the greatest Americans.

5. DeMarcus Cousins

A true American makes fun of his friends when they do stupid things. That is a bedrock of our Constitution and something Patrick Henry died defending during the Civil War.

I actually don’t even know if DeMarcus Cousins and Draymond Green are friends. But they are currently co-workers and that is enough to qualify.

Rather than let Draymond live down a recent embarrassing public incident, Boogie was sure to let it be known to his teammates that Green’s behavior can only best be summed up with one sentence: “Aint nobody tryna hear that s***.”

There are few phrases more uniquely American than this. And there are few players more American. Really, there are few people more American.

Now, building on this, we can only hope that DeMarcus continues to be himself and storms Brazil to show the world exactly what kind of mess they have gotten themselves into by deciding to challenge American Basketball Exceptionalism.

He must carry the burden that his countrymen have carried before him — building on the tradition of Charles Barkley’s elbowing an Angolan in 1992 — and let it be known that the bullies have come to Brazil. Cousins is here to once again let it be known that Team USA is not to be trifled with.

Not Now — Not Ever: #Boogie 2016

4. Klay Thompson

Klay Thompson has Color Me Badd-era facial hair.

People from other countries don’t do that.

3. Carmelo Anthony

Beyond speaking out for his values and community, Melo is the Bucket Getter In Chief for These Here United States. There is something special about Olympic Melo that transcends even the Hall of Fame scoring prowess that the kid from Baltimore has always shown on NBA courts.

For country, he goes into another plane of existence, excelling under a set of rules and against competition that is suited for him to unleash maximum destruction.

In a Knicks uniform, Melo is a great player.

In a Team USA shirt, he is a drone strike in Nikes.

Carmelo finished second in total points among all U.S. players in London while shooting 53.5%. This was a follow up to a Beijing trip with the Redeem Team where he routinely came up big. In the semifinals against Argentina during the games in China, for example, he led all scorers by hanging 21 against Manu Ginobili and Argentina.

On the podium, holding gold, he was even better, utterly the legendary words: “Ask not what buckets your country can get you — ask what buckets you can get for you country.”

In his first two trips for country, Melo was basically G.I. Joe with cornrows. In London, he had a new haircut but was even better than before.

Now, in Brazil, in his fourth time donning the red, white, and blue, Carmelo will once and for all prove that he is the undisputed Mr. Olympian of the NBA.

2. Paul George

Nobody can forget the gross injury that Paul George suffered while wearing a US jersey. On an August night in 2014, he leapt high into the sky and fell awkwardly on the basket support, shattering both his lower-leg bones to such a severe degree that they ripped through his skin.

He was in pain. His teammates were in shock. His career was in jeopardy.

Fortunately, after missing essentially a full season, he returned and is back on the court, spanding his time running out of bubblegum and kicking ass. And while some would prefer to leave the bad Team USA memories in the past, PG has returned. It will be a terrific sight to finally watch Mr. George dunking and ripping steals in Brazil.

Paul George also recently got a good lesson in sacrifice himself.

During training, Team USA was honored to host Major Scott Smiley, who has given more than anyone playing ball could ever give. The Purple Heart recipient was wounded by a 2005 explosion in Iraq and, now back stateside, gives his time to show others what the Home of the Brave is really about.

He visited PG and the guys and had this to say, courtesy of Wheat Hotchkiss of Pacers.com.

“At the Military Academy, I thought I knew what a team was, but waking up in Walter Reed Army Medical Center — blind the rest of my life, half of my body paralyzed, missing a quarter of my skull — I thought my life was over. I had nothing to fight for. I was all on my own. But in true fashion, my wife, my family, my friends, and just as importantly, the Army was still there. The team had surrounded me with love and compassion and helped me understand that I wasn’t on my own … I encourage you all to have the same pride that we have wearing our flags on our shoulders, fighting for our country, serving our country, being a part of that team…and just to fight as hard as you can to bring that gold medal home.”

These are special words, an incredibly powerful message to the point that it doesn’t even feel appropriate to include here. But include it we must.

Major Smily’s story is moving, inspirational, and monumentally heroic. His service represents the utmost in honor, nobility, and courage — the type of dedication and character that will forever make him a beacon of selflessness to all those fortunate enough to shake his hand.

So, sorry, Paul George. Your gave more than most ballplayers do for your country while representing it in uniform. But, as you know, you cannot match up to this.

Still. Ya know. Good luck putting an orange ball into that cylinder on foreign soil and stuff.

1. Kevin Durant

Freedom of choice. Free will. Freedom fries. These are the three tenets that the 320 million people living in this nation hold most dear. And Kevin Durant has personified these three top freedoms more than anyone this summer.

He left the shackles of a state that looks like something you cook soup in to chase his American Dream in a land where housing prices make as much sense as the language used by area companies in press releases trying to explain their stupid tech innovation synergy interface dynamic innovation to investors.

And he undoubtedly has eaten some fries at some point.

What a country. What a player. What a free agent decision.

Where else but America could an American like Kevin Durant switch jobs and then become the focus of an summer-long, generation-vs-generation verbal dispute that will ultimately decide whether or not people under 30 are indeed the worst? Like our founders said, older folk must always look down upon those who were born later and exhibit different sensibilities.

And nobody in living memory has been able to bring out this American ideal like KD did this summer. He, of course, even did so on July 4th, celebrating his nation’s independence by asserting his own.

Also of note: Durant has  served as a pitchman for American Family Insurance. This is an example of how he truly is protecting the futures of American families — it’s right there in the name. “We seek authenticity and people that are genuine,” company marketing VP Telisa Yancy told ESPN about why they chose Durant.

Would Yancy lie to you? I think not.

The clincher: Kevin Durant is a “Totally Certified American Hero.”

Sure, Paul George may have given literal blood, sweat, and tears while sacrificing livelihood and limb for country, but he has never been totally certified. So KD stands alone as the one and only Teas USA member heading to Rio who can Make America Great Again.

Get that gold.

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