5 countries Colin Kaepernick should move to if he hates America
By Jim Cavan
Colin Kaepernick apparently doesn’t think America gives him enough freedom. Let’s see what happens when America gives him to some other countries.
(Editor’s Note: This is satire. We’ll let you guess in which direction.)
Colin Kaepernick: spoiled socialist corncob. Don’t get me wrong, the guy has every right in the world to say what he wants to say when he wants to say it. Wanna light yourself on fire and flop around screaming in your front yard wearing nothing but the nightgown your grandma died in? Go nuts! Handing out pamphlets calling for the systematic extermination of all the world’s cats? Let your freak flag fly, my man!
This not standing up for the anthem jive? That’s just a George Washington Bridge too far. What’s this guy’s problem with white people anyway? Isn’t he half white? Wasn’t he raised by these so-called white devils? I’ll bet he sings America the Beautiful in a silky falsetto when it’s a whitey banker cashing his big fat football check.
If this noodle-armed clown hates America so much, maybe he’d be happier someplace else. Here are five countries we think Colin Kaepernick would feel right at home in.
5. South America
Don’t be fooled by NBC’s liberal glam and glitz. Those Olympics were a Noah’s Flood caliber shitshow. Bodies washing up on volleyball courts, American swimmers getting mugged in the streets, big-butted women grinding crabs on every lampost and car hood in sight. It’s what I imagine Miami being like back before Columbus discovered Florida.
There’s a reason South America is on the bottom of the world: It’s the pits. I bet Colin Kaepernick would have a grand old time trying to be an NFL quarterback down there. The first time he steps out on a field and picks up a soccer ball with his hands he’ll have a bunch of cocaine kingpins hunting him down with rusty machetes. Pretty hard to stand for a national anthem when your legs and heart are in five different piles of alligator shit.
While Kaepernick’s going on about black people being oppressed in the U.S., little does he realize the African American population down there is less than 1%. Go ahead, try and name one black superstar athlete from Brazil. I’ll wait. Still thinking? That’s what I thought.
Even if you don’t have drug lords trying to turn you into a cheesesteak, you have to worry about giant snakes, spiders, lions, elephants, and the aforementioned gators. So while Colin Kaepernick rides his Huey Newton high horse about white oppression and whatnot, just remember there’s another America where the only horse you ever get to see is on your dinner plate.
Next: China