33 NFL Players To Help You Survive The Zombie Apocalypse

FOXBORO, MA - AUGUST 11: Rob Gronkowski
FOXBORO, MA - AUGUST 11: Rob Gronkowski /
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The zombie apocalypse is here, so which NFL players do you pick to see you through to the other side?

Every Sunday, Americans sit in front of their TVs and absorb violent clashes while chowing mindlessly on food. Immune to the bloodshed and injuries, eating even when no longer hungry, they mirror the behavior of zombies during an apocalypse. And so, the question: if the world were overrun by the undead and you were assembling a team of NFL players to help you survive, who would you saddle up with, and why?

For this list, we’re looking at the big picture. We’re not choosing players strictly because of their likelihood to win a one-on-one fight with a zombie. We’re looking for people who have shown both physical and mental qualities that would help us endure not only the initial collapse of society and inevitable violence, but the long-term dangers and complex psychological issues that we’d face in a long, drawn-out zombie apocalypse.

We want players who are honorable, but we also want cheaters. We want quiet heroes who’ll lead by example and help us become the best of ourselves. We want jerks, too, to push us in ways we’re not comfortable with and force us to see our own blindspots. We want guys we can trust on a supply run, guys we can trust to guard our backs, and guys we trust only to be their untrustworthy selves. And we want Gronk. ‘Cuz Gronk.

This team isn’t about resumes or records set or upside or catch radius or any such nonsense. This team is all about seeing you through to the other side of darkness. These are the 33 NFL players you want on your side during a zombie apocalypse.

PITTSBURGH, PA – DECEMBER 8: Long snapper John Denney
PITTSBURGH, PA – DECEMBER 8: Long snapper John Denney /

33. John Denney

True heroes aren’t out for glory. They don’t crave adventure. True heroes do what they have to, and do it again and again. In a zombie apocalypse, you’ll have to survive sudden episodes of violent chaos. But when the action dies down and you’re faced with long, slow stretches of empty time, how will you cope? Who will teach you how to endure? If you’re one of the lucky ones, John Denney will.

Denney’s been the Miami Dolphins’ long snapper since 2005, appearing in 176 consecutive games. In all that time, he has exactly zero bad snaps. Zero. He could enter Canton as the first long-snapper ever inducted into the Hall of Fame. He didn’t come into the league with a rep; Denney was an undrafted free agent out of college. He came, seemingly, from nowhere, and has managed to carve out an exceptional albeit under-the-radar career.

Attention is a bad thing in a world divided between the undead and a collapsing society. To survive, you need to do the same little things day after day, without ever taking them for granted. Wake. Breathe. Eat. Endure. Sleep. Wake. Breathe. Eat. Endure. Sleep. Denney has been doing the little things for over a decade. As a result, his legacy is far bigger and better than anything anyone saw coming. Stick with him in an apocalypse. When it’s over, you’ll be amazed at where he’s led you.

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