The international break doesn’t make sense
The international break isn’t something most people would describe as “popular” or even “mildly interesting,” or even “hmm … yeah, okay, I guess I’ll watch Canada play Honduras, otherwise this beIN Sport subscription really will start to feel like a waste of money.” But the international break is what we’ve had to put up with for the past week, so we may as well talk about it anyway.
Here is the problem with the international break: no one wins. Well, almost no one. It is impossible for any country with a population bigger than, let’s say, Portugal’s to win. The bigger the country, the more impossible it becomes. Northern Ireland sneak a 0-0 draw with the Czech Republic: heroic, defensive performance. England sneak a 1-0 win against Slovakia: it’s a monumental, fire-breathing disaster. The problem isn’t the manager, it’s the players, but also the problem isn’t the players, it’s the manger. But even more than that, the problem is the entire system, right down to the grass roots. And in a more nebulous sense, the problem isn’t even that. It’s money.
There are almost literally no good outcomes for a Portugal-plus size nation playing a non-tournament international. Even emphatic wins are met with that old, deflating refrain: “yes, but it was only <insert Portugal-minus size nation here>.”
Yes, World Cup qualifying needs to happen at some point and yes, international managers probably appreciate the opportunity to work with their teams. But there’s something immensely futile about any manager’s attempt to implement the tactics that are going to win him a tournament a whole two years in advance of any actual tournament.
Besides, it has been proven time and time again that (a) a smooth qualifying campaign is not a requirement for major tournament success (see: Portugal this summer, or France in 2006, or Italy any time there is a match-fixing scandal) and (b) any real, lasting cultural-tactical changes can only be implemented from the ground up (see: Germany, Spain, Iceland; don’t see: England, Argentina, Brazil). Beyond that, it’s mostly about staying fit, building a sense of confidence and momentum in a tournament year, peaking at the right time and luck.
All of which is to say, in the grand scheme of things, an away game in, say, St. Vincent in a pre-World Cup qualifying qualifier is about as close to meaningless as a competitive, FIFA-sanctioned soccer game can possibly get. So, given that I learned absolutely nothing of substance this international break, here is what I didn’t learn, ranked from least to most nonsensical:
6. Joshua King is from Norway
Joshua King, who plays for Bournemouth, and whose name is Joshua King, is from Norway. That Norway. And he didn’t claim citizenship on account of a long lost grandmother or something. He is just actually from Norway. I guess that explains why no one has been angrily demanding the England call up his above average production for a below average Premier League team merits.
Nonsense rating: 1+1=2
5. The future is bright, the future is steel
National anthems have been the subject of much controversy lately, but there can be no doubt about the instrument on which they should be played from now on: the steel pan. The steel pan orchestra that performed the anthems before the USMNT match against St. Vincent and the Grenadines provided the only reasonable argument for watching non-tournament internationals I heard all weekend: because every once in a while a steel pan orchestra performs the national anthem of St. Vincent and the Grenadines and fills your heart with a happy, gleaming calm. And everything is okay in the world.
Nonsense rating: The car is red
4. Ireland played Oman
Ireland played Oman in a friendly last week, which really requires no further explanation. That combo narrowly beats out Russia vs. Ghana and Honduras vs. Canada as the most unlikely match of the international break. The game between the Philippines and Turkmenistan, which had been a lock for this title, was canceled, and subsequently disqualified from the running for this prize.
Nonsense rating: Green is green
3. Lionel Messi may or may not have actually retired
Leo Messi played for Argentina last Tuesday, not three months after retiring from international soccer. He didn’t miss a single game, or even a training session for the national team. The question is: did he actually retire? He said he was retiring, and people said Tuesday that his retirement had been brief. But is our collective saying it enough, or is there some objective standard here? Michael Jordan retired — he missed a lot of meaningful games, and even played a whole other sport for a while. Zinedine Zidane retired — he didn’t play for France for a whole year before returning to captain the side at the behest of manager/part-time shaman Raymond Domenech. But Messi? Can words alone constitute a retirement? I’ll let you decide.
Nonsense rating: Julius Caesar is a prime number
2. That beIN Sport subscription is not worth it
The beIN Sports color commentator for the USMNT game, Thomas Rongen, made the ridiculous suggestion (in broad reference to Christian Pulisic) that it isn’t Jurgen Klinsmann’s job to develop young American talent, but simply to win games with the senior team. This is false. Klinsmann is emphatically not just the USMNT manager, but also the grand lord overseer of all things U.S. men’s soccer (aka Technical Director). Now, whether Rongen has opinions about the USSF’s apparent opposition to the division the labor, or its belief that Klinsmann’s relatively non-extensive managerial experience qualifies him to do that job, is a different question, but the fact remains: it is literally Klinsmann’s job to ensure players like Pulisic are ready at around the the age Pulisic currently is to start contributing to the senior team.
The other reason Rongen’s suggestion is nonsense is that Klinsmann named Pulisic in his squad (and brought him on as a sub), thereby demonstrating he already thinks Pulisic is capable of contributing to the senior team. The reason some people wanted to see him start is because there may never be a better time (except later today against Trinidad and Tobago) to give Pulisic some experience in a competitive game — because for all intents and purposes a competitive game against St. Vincent and the Grenadines is not really a competitive game at all. So why didn’t Pulisic start? It’s not like there were any undroppables in the team that did play.
Jozy Altidore, who captained the team on Friday, does theoretically provide leadership, but he also practically provides profound mediocrity, as demonstrated by the fact he managed only one shot on goal (a penalty) against St. Vincent and the Grenadines, whose team may or may not have been selected at random at the beach that morning. Or, if Altidore’s many, elusive intangibles are too important to sacrifice, then perhaps Alejandro Bedoya could have made way. Bedoya is nondescript even by American standards, like Michael Bradley without the “intensity,” which as far as I can tell is another way of saying “Michael Bradley can’t pass.” See? Even after a 6-0 win, everyone loses.
Nonsense rating: Scott kept a runcible at Abbotsford
1. Sam Allardyce is reinventing international management
In the aftermath of England’s 1-0 win against Slovakia, Sam Allardyce offered hands down the most baffling string of quotes of this international break. Allardyce, to many people’s dismay, played Wayne Rooney as a number 10 in his first game in charge of the Three Lions. Predictably, Rooney wasn’t very effective. Pressed on the issue after the game, Allardyce had this complete Dutch oven’s worth of nonsense to offer: “Wayne played wherever he wanted. He was brilliant and controlled in midfield. I can’t stop Wayne playing there … This is the most decorated outfield player in England … I think he holds a lot more experience at international football than I do as an international manager. So, when he is using his experience and playing as a team member, it’s not for me to say where he’s going to play.”
Now, well, let’s set aside for a moment the fact that last sentence is just plain factually incorrect. This is a whole new interpretation of the term manager. It seemed there were a few other things it wasn’t for Big Sam to do either. It wasn’t for him to say Theo Walcott shouldn’t come off the bench. It wasn’t for him to tell Eric Dier that his teammates are the ones wearing red. It wasn’t for him to tell Jordan Henderson Kyle Walker had made that run already. It certainly wasn’t for him to tell Joe Hart his goal kicks need to leave the 18-yard box. One wonders what the application process for the England job is like.
Interviewer: Tell us what you plan to do if you get the job, Sam?
SA: Well, I don’t plan on doing what the other guy just did to get himself fired.
Interview: You’ve got the job, congratulations.
The end.
Nonsense rating: Wittgenstein’s Tractatus.
Bonus round
One more thing. The USMNT play another, even less meaningful game against Trinidad and Tobago tonight. Here’s how meaningless that game is: the top two teams in America’s current group advance to the next round of CONCACAF qualifying. Those two teams are currently the U.S. and Trinidad and Tobago. The only way those teams won’t advance is if the U.S. lose (improbable at home, but not impossible) and Guatemala beat St. Vincent and the Grenadines12-0 (impossible, even at home).
Nonsense rating: Mercifully, the international break is almost over