NFL Podium Fashion: Matt Ryan Takes Over Zoolander Duties In Tom Brady’s Absence

The NFL postgame podium has become one of the most convenient platforms for players to expand that all-important personal brand in the #SportsBiz and beyond. Sure, while answering a slew of mundane questions sounds like a tragic burden to carry for 16 Sundays, it can also double as a ripe opportunity to style and profile by showcasing their unique fashion sensibilities and personality to get fans talking and attract big brands from all over the world.

Yes, this includes fat guys and explosive beards too; particularly Eric Weddle’s electrocuted mop.

As we’ve learned over the years, sometimes the ensemble works.

And sometimes — to a rather scarring degree — it most certainly does NOT:

Via TheBigLead.com

These are their stories…

Aaron Rodgers

The white undershirt peeking out from underneath that work of art from the Old Navy bin is so perfectly misguided it hurts. To complete the daring mission, Aaron, do us a favor and part your hair down the middle for the rest of the season.

*****

Eli Manning

Via Giants.com

This biggest upset here is that Eli went with a white button-down. And it might have been his biggest mistake, because all eyes are on the sky blue chalk lines. Look, anyone could’ve worn this getup and appeared as though they were headed to the country club for a pricey brunch. But since we’re talking about Eli, you know that’s definitely what transpired even though he wore this outfit eight hours after standard brunching hours.

*****

Andrew Luck

Via Colts.com

Andrew Luck and his elaborate getups have quickly turned the style game on its collective head as he continues to take a blowtorch to the fashion world. If the Colts QB keeps going at this breakneck pace, many insiders expect players around the league to file official requests to conduct strictly phone interviews ONLY.

*****

Russell Wilson

Via Seahawks.com

This is the first press conference I’ve ever seen where Russell Wilson hasn’t been dressed like a guy headed straight to an uppity, top secret art gala. The Seahawks are screwed.

*****

Tyrod Taylor

This is the perfect example of using multiple patterns in an effective way. Rather than throwing on a picnic blanket button-down and choosing a tie that looks like it has a disease, Tyrod Taylor went with subtleties that — when put together — end up producing a look smoother than Matt Hasselbeck’s freshly bic’d head. You can always count on Tyrod to show up like a pro, win or lose.

*****

Terrence Williams

Thanks to @ChiefClassical comes this mystifying gold — like, actual gold — tie from Terrence Williams, who chose to stay inbounds and end the game rather than step out of bounds to stop the clock. Classic Cowboys. As for the tie itself, I can’t tell if this possible game changer cost him thousands of dollars or if it belongs to some sort of special edition Batman Utility Belt. I’m going with the latter.

*****

Matt Ryan

Via AtlantaFalcons.com

Matt Ryan threw for 334 yards and 2 TDs but it wasn’t enough, as the Falcons disappointed their home faithful, losing 31-24 to Tampa Bay. At the podium, though, Matty Ice strayed from that stale approach we became so used to last season and went full Zoolander, seemingly making a concerted effort to step his game up knowing full well that the NFL will be without fashion icon Tom Brady until Week 5.

Selfless acts such as this one are few and far between, but should really be happening league-wide.

#WeStandWithSirThomas

*****

Brock Osweiler

Via HoustonTexans.com

Speaking of Tom Brady, when he eventually hands off the NFL fashion baton, it’ll be to fellow scarf enthusiast, Brock Osweiler. The dude is naturally smooth and he’s been doing it since the very first time he stepped to the podium.

Via TheBigLead.com

There’s little doubt in my mind that Osweiler’s perfectionist of a tailor begins dry-heaving on the spot any time he catches a clip of Andrew Luck speaking to the media.

*****

DeMarco Murray

Via @Titans Twitter

DeMarco Murray was looking pretty sharp following the loss to Minnesota, but was sadly upstaged by some dick with a highlighter in his mouth and some chick sporting an OMG GET ME OUTTA HERE face. There’s always next week.

*****

Andy Dalton

Via Bengals.com

The big thing with Andy Dalton’s press conferences is consistency. The soft ice cream swirl is still there with the hair and his active eyebrows are still making an attempt to join the fun upstairs by finishing a wild crawl up his forehead. Expect a full jailbreak by Week 6.

*****

Jimmy Garoppolo

Via Patriots.com

Jeeeeeesus, Jimmy. You gotta fix whatever’s going on with the hair up front and show SOME semblance of style, man. This doesn’t look like a guy who’s learned a damn thing from Sir Thomas.

UPDATE: Wait, wait, wait. Jimmy has learned a thing or two about a thing or two:

Attire criticism officially rescinded.

*****

Ben Roethlisberger

Via Steelers.com

Each year in the early part of the season, for reasons widely unknown, someone inevitably dresses up like they’re about to meet their parents for a fancy Easter brunch. This year’s runaway winner was clearly Big Ben, who reportedly giggled his way through making a smiley face on his pancakes with bacon and sausage patties, much to the chagrin of his visibly annoyed wife.

*****

Marcus Mariota

Win or lose, Marcus Mariota always seems to appear emotionally distant from literally everything, and the photographer who took this particular photo didn’t exactly help matters very much. It’s as if he was artfully trying to drive that message home by zooming out.

Was anyone even there to ask poor Marcus any questions? Is he still standing there like a statue waiting for people to show up? Or perhaps to be sacked? Should we even bother talking about how his casual, no tie look completely contradicts his stiff demeanor?

*****

Carson Wentz

Via PhiladelphiaEagles.com

What can I say, the rookie experienced an amazing debut on the field and probably already has elated Philly fans frantically making Super Bowl arrangements. As for the press conference, the “BBQ at mom’s house!” approach needs some work.

*****

Jameis Winston

A Presidential-looking Jameis Winston threw four touchdown passes and chose a suit that married perfectly with the backdrop.

Hopefully ex-Bucs coach Lovie Smith, who routinely failed in his attempts at doing this exact thing last season, learned something from Winston here. Especially since the Fighting Illini also wear orange.

*****

Eric Weddle

Via BaltimoreRavens.com

If we could figure out a way to combine Eric Weddle’s beard with Colin Kaepernick’s astonishing hair, I’m confident the world would be a far better place. Shit this magical must unite to become one.

*****

Jay Cutler

Much respect to Jay Cutler — who has so often appeared hilariously uninspired — for showing up to the podium with guns blazing, thanks to a perfectly tailored suit and an “I’m The F**king Guy” paisley tie despite the loss to Houston. Message received, Jay. Message received.

*****

Janoris Jenkins

Via Giants.com

How does one get so creative with their hair and then make the decision to complement said creativity with a New York Giants team-issued polo? It’s like wearing a Slayer t-shirt and a pair of freshly pressed Dockers.

*****

Shaun Hill

Via @Vikings Twitter

The Vikings beat the Titans 25-16. However, Shaun Hill looked like someone who just found out from the media that he’s been cut from the team. And while I appreciate Hill’s display of loyalty to the Vikings by rocking purple pinstripes, the thick pinstripe look is really more of a go-to move for kids in middle school when they’re forced to “dress up.” In other words: F-.

*****

Blake Bortles

Blake Bortles decked out in team apparel? You don’t say? And so the journey continues… right where we left off last season. Again and again and again. Put the god damn car in drive, bro.

*****

J.J. Watt

https://twitter.com/HoustonTexans/status/775099673434583040

J.J. Watt didn’t bother to dress up. You know why? Because wearing a suit would indicate the Texans star planned on going home after the game instead of heading directly to the gym. We should all know better by now. First one in, last one out.

But he’d never let you know that because J.J. Watt simply refuses to make it all about J.J. Watt.

Oh. Oh, I see.

*****

Dak Prescott

https://twitter.com/dallascowboys/status/775134345619202051

A sky blue bow tie following your first game as the starter for “America’s Team”?

In signature Trump Voice, I see great, great things for Dak Prescott. He’s going to be huuuuuge in Dallas. Huge! Jerry Jones, who happens to be a personal friend of mine, has found himself a winner and an even better person. I’m very, very happy for them. [Note to Trump Voice: Dallas lost.]

*****

Malcom Jenkins

Via PhiladelphiaEagles.com

Eagles safety Malcolm Jenkins also serves as the team’s fashionable choir leader.

*****

Ryan Fitzpatrick

Short and sweet: Bring back that disgusting, untamed bush of a beard, please.

Yeah, this one:

Via Breitbart.com

*****

Mohamed Sanu

Falcons wide receiver Mohamed Sanu’s cleats were a superb tribute to 9/11. Now, if he somehow gets fined for this, it’s time for someone in the NFL offices on Park Avenue to stop the madness, phone human rights activist Ray Donovan, and simply say two words: “Roger Goodell.”

*****

Bob Griffin III

Via ClevelandBrowns.com

Less than 10 seconds into his press conference, RGIII was answering questions with his hand over his mouth and worked on some unwelcome ear wax. This more or less means his confidence remains shattered and he’s completely full of shit. Love the bare bones approach to the suit, though. See, glass half-full! #BelieveLand

*****

Terrell Suggs

Via BaltimoreRavens.com

T-Sizzle opting for the White Sox hat that Eazy-E made so damn famous? Superb. Because screw the Orioles.

*****

Jack Del Rio

This is the look of a man exceedingly comfortable in his own skin. Casual but DEAD SERIOUS. One who will not settle for overtime and instead go for TWO.

On the ROAD.

For the WIN.

Because brass balls don’t just fall out of trees, my friends. Brass balls take their own private jet back to Oakland.

Or a wheelbarrow. Whatever’s most convenient, really.

*****

Mike Zimmer

Forget fashion. What will Mike Zimmer’s face look like come December? The transition from scorching sunglass tan to raw windburn should be pretty seamless.

*****

Ben McAdoo

Via @Giants Twitter

To kick off the new era, Giants head coach Ben McAdoo had a haircut from 1987 FedEx’d to his doorstep on Sunday morning and it’s an absolute masterpiece.

*****

Bonus Round

Via @NFLGameDay Twitter

What the hell is this supposed to be? These clothes shouldn’t even be in the same building together, let alone all resting on the shoulders of Michael Irvin. Colossal fail.

*****

Previously: Cam Newton Channels A Fashion-Forward Steve Urkel

For more sports chatter, sizzling takes, and utter nonsense, follow Tim Ryan on Twitter and Instagram. And for a look at last season’s colorful ride at the podium, each of those installments can be found right here.