Champions League groups ranked by corporate fever dreaminess

GOLD LEVEL

4. Group A: Arsenal, Basel, Paris Saint-Germain, Razgrad

This group has three domestic league champions — even though one is Razgrad, which, what the hell is a Razgrad? — and Arsenal. The Gunners are still the biggest money draw in the group, being one of the most popular clubs in the world. Their manager’s commitment to consistent, no-frills revenue generation is exactly what this tournament needs more of.

PSG aren’t far behind. They are another club recently purchased by an insanely wealthy oil conglomerate. The glitzy Paris locale is a major plus; the not-so-glitzy Ligue 1 residency an equally major minus for this otherwise promising business proposition.

3. Group F: Borussia Dortmund, Warsaw, Real Madrid, Sporting

Real Madrid have won Europe’s premier tournament 11 times (!) and regularly buy up the world’s top talent, regardless of how it will affect their team. If our money-hungry corporate overlords were to a create a superclub from scratch, it would look like Real Madrid.

They nearly drag the rest of this group into the Platinum level, but Warsaw (the only domestic champ in the bunch, ironically) and Sporting were weighing them down a little too much.

Dortmund became the club-that-finishes-second-to-Bayern-every-year under Jurgen Klopp, even when they finished ahead of Bayern twice. They won the Champions League in 1997 and were runners-up (to Bayern, obviously) during the 2012-13 campaign. There’s plenty to like for our cynical money-grubbing fat cats, but not so much that corporate darlings Real need to feel threatened.

Next: Platinum Level