Champions League groups ranked by corporate fever dreaminess
PLATINUM LEVEL
2. Group D: Atletico Madrid, Bayern Munich, Rostov, PSV Eindhoven
Bayern Munich have made a habit in recent years not only of dominating the Bundesliga, but also of buying their rivals’ best players at the end of every season. Their experience with irresistible demonstrations of financial might will be a boon in the years to come, as UEFA slowly strips its smallest member clubs of anything resembling an asset.
Bayern are the driving force in this group, but it is Atletico Madrid’s recent showings in the Champions League that elevate Group D to the coveted Platinum level. Their rise from debt-ridden also-rans to European elite is exactly the sort of thing the new format could eliminate entirely, which is good, because we already have Atletico Madrid.
PSV Eindhoven are normally a lock to make the group stages, but don’t really rate at all on the corporate greed scale. They did make the semi-finals in 2004-05 and actually won the competition in 1988, back when it was called the European Cup.
Finally, we have Rostov, which, do you now what country they are from? I didn’t either. Apparently they placed second in the Russian league last season. Good job, guys.
1. Group C: Celtic, Barcelona, Manchester City, Borussia Monchengladbach
Let’s be real, any group containing Barca — and, therefore, Lionel Messi — was going to be in among the highest ranked; that’s just how it goes. They have won the Champions League five times, and four times in the past decade.
This is how good Barcelona are at corporate sponsorship: the club pays the humanitarian aid organization Unicef £1.58 million a year for the right to plaster “Unicef” on the back of their jerseys. The club also, at the very same time, get paid £29.3 million a year by Qatar Airways to plaster “Qatar Airways” on the front of their jerseys. That combination of marketing savvy and moral suspect-ness is second to none. Their star player doesn’t even pay his taxes!
Manchester City are the newly mega-rich 18-year-old punks at the adult table. After they were bought in 2008 by the Abu Dhabi United Group, City basically had an unlimited supply of cash. And they spent it. Over £1 billion of it. They won the Premier League title in 2012 and 2014, and the ownership group even found time to set up an MLS franchise/money laundering operation in between.
The other teams in the group are fine: Celtic used to be a really big deal when the Scottish Premier League still had some relevance on the world stage. Now, not so much. Celtic fans, however, can be found all over the world, and number in the millions. Gladbach finished fourth in the Bundesliga last season. They just sold Granit Xhaka to Arsenal and currently employ Fabian Johnson, one of the USMNT’s best players. So that’s something, I guess.