NFL Podium Fashion: J.J. Watt Totally Redeems Himself With “Sandlot” Shout-Out
By Tim Ryan
The NFL postgame podium has become one of the most convenient platforms for players to expand that all-important personal brand in the #SportsBiz and beyond. Sure, while answering a slew of mundane questions sounds like a tragic burden to carry for 16 Sundays, it can also double as a ripe opportunity to style and profile by showcasing their unique fashion sensibilities and personality to get fans talking and attract big brands from all over the world.
Yes, this includes fat guys, dudes who house explosive beards, as well as those who have taken far too many Percocets for one sitting.
Ya’ know, kinda like this:
As we’ve come to learn all too well over the years, sometimes the ensemble works. And sometimes — to a rather scarring degree — it most certainly does NOT:
These are their stories…
Melvin Gordon
Melvin Gordon credits the offensive line for his 102 yard game: "All those guys are really helping me out." #JAXvsSD pic.twitter.com/DFa6mWiHRX
— Los Angeles Chargers (@chargers) September 19, 2016
As you can see in the tweet above, Chargers 2nd-year running back Melvin Gordon was kind enough to credit his offensive line for his 100+ yard game. Sadly, he failed to credit whoever told him to wear that wonderful shirt that looks like some sort of bizarre homage to 8-bit graphics. Perhaps a mashup of Tetris and Space Invaders?
Whatever. Keep doing you, Melvin.
*****
Odell Beckham Jr.
The dude with the best haircut in sports who also happens to be one of the most stylish players in the league can’t even get decent camerawork for his interviews, let alone a podium.
Sad!
*****
Janoris Jenkins
OK, how about this: Janoris Jenkins and Odell Beckham do joint press conferences at the podium every damn week for the rest of the season, regardless of performance.
Deal? Done AND done.
*****
J.J. Watt
https://twitter.com/HoustonTexans/status/777654725160206336
Notoriously ripped gym rat, J.J. Watt, paying tribute to a portly young fella named “Ham” is one of the more heartwarming tributes you’ll see all season. While this was no doubt an obvious, calculated effort by Watt and his team of handlers to massage his image and come across as relatable — hey, he likes Sandlot too! — it worked.
*****
Russell Wilson
Russell Wilson went full heel last week, shockingly wearing a sweatshirt to his postgame press conference for what seemed like the first time ever. However, he returned to signature form on Sunday afternoon by delivering a superb impersonation of a guy giving an uncomfortably stale Best Man speech.
*****
Aaron Rodgers
https://twitter.com/packers/status/777763677713862656
Aaron Rodgers quickly came to terms with his colossal Old Navy fail last week, shredded the script into a thousand pieces and instead completely altered his route by going with a leather jacket. Huge improvement here.
We really just want the best for you, buddy. Good to have you back.
*****
Matthew Slater
Patriots special teams captain Matthew Slater with the Mars Blackmon-Air Jordan shirt? Exquisite choice. And with that, a simple t-shirt purchase by the affable Slater has unequivocally made him the most likable member of the New England Patriots.
For those of you out there who only know Jordans as “Jordan Brand” or @Jumpman23, Spike Lee playing Mars Blackmon alongside MJ made for some of the most creative sneaker commercials of all time, and dramatically changed the Nike brand forever.
#TheMoreYouKnow #BringBackBlackmon
*****
Dak Prescott & Jerry Jones
@15_DakP first @nfl win! Congrats! #DallasCowboys #DALvsWAS @dallascowboys pic.twitter.com/5E032s1pPL
— Charlotte Jones (@cjonescowboys) September 18, 2016
Dak Prescott was looking pretty dapper, rocking the bow tie once again while Dallas’s billionaire owner was busy trying to find his arms within that HOUSE of a jacket. It’s time, Jerry. Time for that always awkward breakup with your longtime tailor.
*****
Josh McCown
Shadows from a strategically placed microphone gifted Josh McCown with an unfortunate set of nipple sweat faucets. And judging by his expression, he damn well knows it.
This stuff only happens to the Browns.
*****
Cam Newton
By now, we all know what Cam did. In fact, his earth-rattling attire warranted its own separate emergency post because it was that freakin’ special. Can’t wait for next week.
*****
Captain Munnerlyn
See, now that’s a hat. Maybe it’s just me, but when it comes to hats I tend to lean towards something that complements the outfit in some capacity rather than a hat more suited for a lively background scene in Boardwalk Empire.
*****
Blake Bortles
Here’s Blake Bortles and his official response as to why he threw two picks, why the Jags are 0-2, and why he staunchly refuses to wear anything but Jaguars gear. Absolute perfection.
Thanks again, B-Bo, for yet another electric contribution to this space.
*****
Ben Roethlisberger
Big Ben’s wife gave birth to a boy in late May, so I guess that explains his obsession with baby blue? Because that’s two weeks in a row now. Although since it’s not his first son and since we are talking about Big Ben, I’m guessing he’s just confused as to what shades of color are considered a “no-no” for this time of year.
What remains most impressive is Ben’s continued choice to conduct these press conferences without a podium. How he hasn’t chewed up and spit out one or two of the 300 mics jammed in his face is a god damn miracle.
*****
Philip Rivers
https://twitter.com/Chargers/status/777661331398758400
Philip Rivers sporting a flannel comes with very little surprise. But a stylish, fashionable flannel? That’s sacrilege when its comes to good ole Phil. Please don’t tell us this also means the death of the bolo tie.
*****
DeAndre Hopkins
I realize all the hipsters clad in denim from head to toe — including their cell phone cases — will be crushed by this news, but I haven’t hopped aboard that train just yet. However, if I were ever to do so, I’d go all in, much like the always daring DeAndre Hopkins did here.
*****
Kirk Cousins
I don’t care what you say, nothing positive can be gained by throwing a smaller checkered pattern within the confines of an already small checkered pattern. This is the fashion equivalent of a designer going for it on 4th and 12 from their own 5-yard line.
What remains wildly unclear is why Kirk Cousins insisted on being interviewed outside of a mysterious cage.
*****
Jameis Winston
The Bucs got pasted by a score of 40-7 on the road and Jameis Winston still showed up to the podium proudly wearing a paisley tie and sadly picking his nose. Now that’s how you take a loss. Still, though, I feel like Jameis is almost playing things too safe thus far.
I miss the old Jameis Winston. The one we saw last season. THIS GUY:
Come back to us. Sooooooon.
*****
Marcus Mariota
Dumpster fire.
*****
Andrew Luck
The NFL quote of the day goes to the always dashing Andrew Luck, who allegedly told reporters “when you got it, you flaunt it.”
*****
Bill Belichick
Watch Bill Belichick's postgame press conference: https://t.co/PFybC2EY6k
— New England Patriots (@Patriots) September 18, 2016
The best part about the snippet above — ‘Good to win at home’ — is that it could easily be the entirety of Bill Belichick’s “press conference” with the media. Yes, the man constantly looks like he’d rather be in a no DQ match with the entire McMahon family, including Triple H, but even Bill is self-aware enough to NOT allow an undershirt peak out from below and ruin the moment for his button-down.
I never thought I’d say a 64-year-old man, one who doesn’t give a flying fuck about how he looks, dresses better than Aaron Rodgers; but here we are.
*****
Sam Bradford
This has to be the first time I’ve seen Sam Bradford smile since being traded from the Rams to the Eagles well over a year ago. And he really didn’t smile all that much in St. Louis either.
Sam’s getup here screams comfort and a great eagerness to celebrate. Good for him.
*****
Eli Manning
Nothing really wrong with Eli’s suit of choice this week. He’s just here for the Derp Face. No one whose last name isn’t Manning does it better.
*****
DeSean Jackson
DeSean Jackson opted for a sparky Superman t-shirt after the game. Great. Sadly, this is also THE showcase highlight for the winless Washington Redskins.
*****
Tyrod Taylor
"We put up 31 points, it just wasn't enough tonight. Have to do whatever it takes to get back on track." #NYJvsBUF pic.twitter.com/ZndXiRuOAG
— Buffalo Bills (@BuffaloBills) September 16, 2016
Tyrod Taylor is so consistently smooth that — at this point — it might be wise to airlift his personal stylist directly to Cam Newton’s compound in a last-ditch effort to revamp his spiraling hat collection.
*****
Jason Pierre-Paul
Speaking of Tyrod Taylor, JPP looks like he’s been taking notes on the Bills QB because that smooth vest and combination of color tones is straight out of Ty’s playbook.
Loving this unexpected “just finished a spirited poetry reading” side from the Giants defensive end.
*****
Brock Osweiler
https://twitter.com/HoustonTexans/status/777653455322132480
Brock Osweiler continues to emerge as the front-runner to finally unseat Tom Brady, thanks in part to having a 4-week head start in addition to — ya know, that whole haircut debacle:
ha, you're absolutely right. And I give McAdoo more credit for splitting the uprights down the middle. pic.twitter.com/SNvGDOYSQV
— Tim Ryan🦤 (@TheSportsHernia) September 13, 2016
Thanks again, Jillian. Major props to McAdoo for going ALL IN and splitting his hair directly in half.
*****
Antonio Brown
https://twitter.com/SportsVix/status/777532111448264704
Antonio Brown loves to stray away from the norm yet somehow manages to never look like a jackass. As we’ve seen by others — Hi, Cam — that’s no easy feat. This dude could glue 10,000 candy wrappers together, throw it over his shoulders like a poncho, and still manage to pull it off like that was the plan all along.
*****
Andrew Whitworth
For obvious reasons, Bengals offensive lineman Andrew Whitworth was the runaway winner for the “Electrocuted Beard of the Week” award. My favorite part, aside from his expression, is the lone shirt thread that’s oh so close to joining the unhinged fiesta taking place on his face.
*****
Joe Flacco
It’s honestly a little uncomfortable to see a guy like Joe Flacco smile so intensely when we’ve become so accustomed to that empty-eyed, serial killer look.
NEXT!
*****
Matthew Stafford
https://twitter.com/Lions/status/777654715236712448
Matthew Stafford did ALL the driving here. No, it wasn’t good enough.
*****
Bonus: The Depressing Detroit Lions
https://twitter.com/Lions/status/777658578379341824
Not one…
https://twitter.com/Lions/status/777643430575046657
Not two…
Devin Taylor finished with seven tackles and 1.5 sacks.
— Detroit Lions (@Lions) September 18, 2016
Hear from him after the game: https://t.co/SOYaJa4YSK pic.twitter.com/LHIcE2Fufq
But THREE members of the Detroit Lions looking like someone just reminded them that the dog dies in I Am Legend; which is basically what happened in the Lions-Titans game.
Sadly, the dog almost always dies for Lions fans.
*****
Previously: Meet Cam Newton, Exiled Member Of Exotic Barbershop Quartet
Previously: Matt Ryan Takes Over Zoolander Duties In Tom Brady’s Absence
Previously: Cam Newton Channels A Fashion-Forward Steve Urkel
*****
For more sports chatter, sizzling takes, and utter nonsense, follow Tim Ryan on Twitter and Instagram. And for a look at last season’s colorful ride at the podium, each of those installments can be found right here.