This Week In Sports Apparel: Awful Sneakers, Hats & Joint Ventures From Hell

The increasingly competitive market for all things sports apparel tends to bring out the best and worst from the major players in the industry. Risks must be taken, and bold moves need to be made in order to gain that necessary edge. Some are obvious no-brainers, like Adidas signing Kanye West to do whatever the hell he wants with a shoe — or anything else for that matter — as he’s done so to an absurdly successful degree.

Seriously, the dude convinced half the world to pay $120 for a white t-shirt. Yes, A PLAIN WHITE T-SHIRT. That’s the kind of guy you hand a blank check to without hesitation and simply say “go nuts.”

Poof, brand revived — and then some.

Other times, things get a little murky and leave you wondering how the damn thing ever made its way to a client presentation, let alone full-scale production.

For example, if the Today Show is openly questioning your “cringe-worthy” product to its 3.6 million Twitter followers, it’s painfully clear you shit the bed.

And that’s exactly where we’ll begin: Welcome to Abomination City.

Ugg & Teva’s Ski Boot Slipper From Hell – $225

The eye-rake of a product you see here in this joint venture by UGG and Teva is described as a “striking mashup of two icons” in an effort to “create something that is familiar, yet remarkably different.”

Different, yes. Familiar? Fuck no.

Unless, of course, we’re talking open-toed ski boots for all the sociopaths out there who love wearing ski boots so much that incorporating them into everyday casual wear is an absolute must.

Nonetheless, I’m still convinced this is an elaborate, poorly thought out prank by the folks at Teva to bring the word Teva back into our lives by way of UGG serving as the sturdy crutch. Especially since both companies are under the Decker Brands umbrella.

In short, I would rather pay $225 for someone to repeatedly strike me in the face with a rubber chicken. Actually, make that a live chicken. But if you’re the type of person who enjoys sympathy from strangers and yearns to appear as though you have two fractured ankles, this is the product for you; and only you.

Converse All Rubber Chuck Taylors – $70

via UrbanOutfitters.com

For the fashionable fisherman? You got me. These things scream “I give up” rather than the intended “I’m hip.” They’ll be 50% off in two weeks.

New Era Chicago Bulls “Best Ever” Snapback – $31.99

via Lids.com

Look, I like Lids. I’ve purchased many hats from Lids. As recently as two weeks ago, in fact. But why this hat is being prominently featured and tagged as an “Exclusive only available at Lids” is a deep, dark mystery. This feels like something birthed through MS Paint that eventually affixed itself to a metallic gold brim.

In other words, cop this badboy before they’re all gone!

LeBron Soldier 10 “Gold Medal” – $140

These came out in late August but the tweet above was a stark reminder of their existence. The best part about these Luke Skywalker gems is where the inspiration derived from:

"Nike celebrates the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio and Team USA Basketball’s gold medal with the release of the Nike Zoom LeBron Soldier 10 ‘Gold Medal’. While LeBron James did not take part in the 2016 Olympics, his footwear will pay tribute to the achievement…"

This is basically Nike conveying that anything and everything LeBron sells, so here’s a shoe to celebrate the Olympic Gold Medal in Rio even though LeBron was on a cruise with Dwyane Wade and Chris Paul.

The only other problem here is that the shoe doesn’t come with a light saber. Other than that, it’s perfect.

I greatly look forward to Nike’s limited edition “Charles Barkley/Larry O’Brien Trophy” shoe release in the coming months.

Denver Broncos Navy Tie-Dye Premium T-Shirt – $27.99

via FansEdge.com

The Broncos logo on the front and the helmet on the back still aren’t quite big enough for my taste. To truly complete this circus act of a “design,” the logo and helmet should probably unite to form one, and connect with one another.

In a word, abomination.

Nike “Air Zoom Talaria Golden Shine” – $175

via Nike.com

This shoe looks like someone changed the color palette on Google Maps. What an indecisive, bland mess.

As shocking as it may sound, it is possible to be remarkably different and separate yourself from the pack without overcomplicating things. That doesn’t have to be a prerequisite. Overcomplicating things solely for the sake of overcomplicating things is a circular journey to nowhere. And yes, that sentence was intentionally irritating; much like this design.

Do better, Nike.

Chicago Bulls ’47 Ruffian Snapback – $15

via Lids.com

Listen, I get that you can now buy a hat for any team in almost any sport in basically any color you want.

However, this hat is doing everything except chant OKC directly in your face, yet they slapped a Bulls logo on it. So even after being marked down to over 50% off its original price, I would still rather glue 15 dollars worth of quarters to my face and strut around with that look. Brooklyn hipsters would be singing my praises for days.

Tim Tebow NY Mets T-Shirts & Jerseys – $29.99 to $119.99

via FansEdge.com

These items are the first pieces of clothing featured when you click “Fall Ball” on the homepage for FansEdge, so I’m taking the baton and featuring them in this space too.

I assumed I’d be seeing a ton of garb for star players on sure playoff teams like the Cubs and Red Sox — everyone’s dream (nightmare?) scenario for the World Series. And they are in there, but minor league outfielder Tim Tebow comes before all of that because Tim Tebow sells. But I don’t give a shit. As the Today Show might say, these are all cringe-worthy in a very special, Tim Tebow kind of way.

Carlos Beltran’s longtime buddy, Mr. Milk Dud, must be fuming and feeling a sense of helplessness after seeing what’s happened to his old friend, that beloved No. 15.

*****

For more unapologetic mockery and utter nonsense, follow Tim Ryan on Twitter and Instagram.