NFL Podium Fashion: Cam Can’t Figure Out Which Color To Paint The Kitchen
By Tim Ryan
The postgame podium has become one of the most convenient platforms for NFL players, and even coaches, to expand that all-important personal brand in the #SportsBiz and beyond.
While answering mostly asinine questions — Exhibit A — sure sounds like an overwhelming burden to carry for 16 Sundays, it can also double as the perfect opportunity to style and profile like the Nature Boy by showcasing their unique fashion sensibilities and personality to get fans talking and attract big brands from all over the world.
Yes, this rundown of “styles” does include fat guys and players like Andrew Luck who don’t give a shit, and never will give a shit.
Sadly, we’re all still patiently waiting for someone to take it to this level:
All in good time, I suppose.
As we’ve come to learn all too well over the years, sometimes the ensemble works. And sometimes — to a rather scarring degree — it most certainly does NOT:
These are their stories…
Carson Palmer
A nice attempt by the usually unkempt Carson Palmer, I guess. But that middle button is fighting for every last breath of its precious life. Poor thing deserved better. Sad!
*****
Aaron Rodgers
https://twitter.com/packers/status/780159290229321729
In Green Bay, this is like wearing a tuxedo. It gets a D+ almost anywhere else in the country, but compared to his teammates, Rodgers looks like he’s walking the runway in Milan.
Because…
https://twitter.com/packers/status/780185996147261440
… simply by not wearing a hoody, No. 12 has cut through the clutter and performed a blistering windmill dunk on everyone else’s fashion sense.
https://twitter.com/packers/status/780228675690196993
Yeeeeeeah … let’s just move on to players outside the state of Wisconsin.
*****
Cam Newton
Listen, the hat is incredible and Cam pulls it off with ease. But his shirt looks like someone used it as a review board for the color finalists of his new game room instead of going the traditional route of painting color swatches on the wall of said room.
Cam Newton is dressed like The Joker in a Batman reboot directed by Spike Lee pic.twitter.com/XbSKMNO4pL
— Complex Sports (@ComplexSports) September 25, 2016
Pretty much. Cam is simply on another level this season. I have no idea what level that is, exactly, but in my estimation, the less it makes sense, the better.
*****
Jarvis Landry
There’s a new Hair Sheriff in town and his name is Jarvis Landry. Sorry, Odell, but this beautiful arrangement eclipses your majestic locks. For now.
*****
Julian Edelman
Pro Tip: Don’t throw on a $275 button-down shirt three seconds after a scorching hot shower and immediately meet with the media. Because, well, if you do you’ll end up looking like this. And nobody wants that.
Take a breather, bro.
*****
Andrew Luck
The boy done did it again!
Andrew Luck is locked in this year and as far as I can tell, there’s absolutely no way to stop this trend-setting assassin.
Oh stop it, Andrew. Your modesty isn’t fooling anyone. You know you rocked the hell out that outfit.
*****
Derek Carr
"The defense, my goodness...they won the game for us."
— Las Vegas Raiders (@Raiders) September 26, 2016
- @derekcarrqb
Watch: https://t.co/RD8NGWR1jK pic.twitter.com/mL7C1PCtLS
Love the seemingly continued devotion to the Raider silver, but I have no idea what’s up with the “carrying invisible luggage” pose — although Carr appears to be thoroughly enjoying it.
Whatever works.
*****
Malcolm Jenkins
The jacket/shirt combo here is amazing and most certainly the look of a dude ready to go out and celebrate. Malcolm Jenkins might as well have said, “your move, Teflon Von.”
*****
Sam Bradford
Wait. Before we start here, is Sam Bradford wearing the same EXACT outfit he wore last week?
Why yes. Yes he is.
Major red flag here. This grade-A psycho move warrants a $25,000 fine and a 1-game suspension, at minimum.
*****
Tyrod Taylor
Q: Seems like you're most comfortable when it looks crazy and you're able to make a play. Is that true?
— Buffalo Bills (@BuffaloBills) September 25, 2016
Tyrod, smirking: "Yeah." pic.twitter.com/TbQ66CIyl9
Tyrod Taylor always looks sharp no matter what he decides to go with and the answer to the question in the tweet sums up his approach rather well.
He’s confident, but not cocky. And allows the style to do most of the talking.
*****
LeSean McCoy
"This is a big win, for sure. We'll enjoy this for the rest of today and get to work tomorrow." #AZvsBUF pic.twitter.com/GFSLs2QrAE
— Buffalo Bills (@BuffaloBills) September 25, 2016
LeSean McCoy’s leather jacket is almost — almost — as amazing as Mickey Donovan’s leather Members Only jacket. Which is saying a lot, because few garments on earth, if any, can top good old Mick’s outstanding iconic look.
*****
Melvin Gordon
The perfect way to finish this one off would’ve been for him to borrow a bolo tie from Philip Rivers.
Nonetheless, Melvin Gordon has been amazing so far and quickly become an important cog in this weekly rundown.
*****
Brock Osweiler
https://twitter.com/HoustonTexans/status/779182118542860289
Bill Belichick melted Brock Osweiler’s brain during Thursday night’s 27-0 shutout but that didn’t stop the Texans QB from his incredible consistency at the podium. One more week and it’s a highly anticipated walk-off with Sir Thomas and most likely Derek Zoolander, too.
*****
Terrelle Pryor & Charlie Whitehurst
Terrelle Pryor and Charlie Whitehurst: Cleveland's Miami Vice reboot pic.twitter.com/R1ZNxwRIeh
— Ramzy Nasrallah (@ramzy) September 25, 2016
The “Miami Vice” look is the perfect comparison and one helluva choice by Pryor and Clipboard Jesus since they were, in fact, playing Miami in Miami.
Fun Fact: Inside that tan barrel bag are each and every heart that the great Charlie Whitehurst has ever broken. Unintentionally broken, of course. Just look at that body language. It’s a heavy, intense burden to be so wanted.
This dapper duo definitely won Week 3, hands down.
*****
Josh Norman
Wait, is that a leather pocket square? This man is a genius.
*****
J.J. Watt
J.J. Watt has no time for your fashion bullshit. Remember: First one in, last one out.
*****
Dez Bryant
https://www.instagram.com/p/BKzAIYWBPtY/
Did I already say Pryor and Whitehurst won the week? Well, quite suddenly a new contender has emerged. This is top notch shit right here and the Jordans round things out rather nicely.
A+ work by Dez Bryant.
*****
Carson Wentz
The rookie QB, who was thrown into the fire and has already tossed 5 TDs to 0 INTs, is also quickly learning to look the part. A massive improvement over the Week 1 “backyard BBQ” debacle.
*****
Cody Kessler
Cody Kessler is at the podium: https://t.co/9MH8Lsq5EP pic.twitter.com/C5SVdwTtSR
— Cleveland Browns (@Browns) September 25, 2016
Major props to Cody Kessler for staying loyal and going with a Browns-inspired button-down as well as a Browns-inspired face that speaks for the entire fan base and anyone who has ever watched a Browns game.
*****
Marcus Mariota
I like the jacket because the blue pattern is light and subtle, as opposed to something in the Eli Manning realm, where it looks like someone went to town with a thick piece of chalk. Mariota’s shirt could use some work, but that should come as no surprise. I’m anti-picnic pattern all day long.
*****
Matthew Stafford
https://twitter.com/Lions/status/780205047216869376
Matt Stafford going with a t-shirt featuring a skyline that definitely isn’t Detroit’s is an excellent piece of trolling on his part.
Yes, Lions fans, this is Stafford telling you he wants OUT. Right now is the part where you start screaming incoherently to no one in particular about how he’s garbage anyway, and that you never wanted him to begin with.
*****
Buster Skrine
The Jets DB wore a shirt truly meant for him, and probably only him because this somehow works. Perfectly outrageous combination.
*****
Blake Bortles
https://twitter.com/Jaguars/status/780143067382812672
More Jaguars apparel?
Seriously?
No. No way. Come on, man. Really?
Fuck. Fuck and no.
[Ed. Note: There’s some history, here.]
*****
Martellus Bennett
Press Pass: Jules, Gronk & Marty on last night's team effort: https://t.co/xCcNBwAp4y pic.twitter.com/0CoV72RJCg
— New England Patriots (@Patriots) September 23, 2016
At first glance, I thought Martellus Bennett’s neck tat was just a lazy patch of half-shaved hair. But no, it’s an aggressive group of ornery tattoos who, by the time you read this, will have savagely devoured Martellus Bennett’s pube explosion of a beard.
*****
Jameis Winston
QB @Jaboowins spoke to the media following the 37-32 loss to the Rams.
— Tampa Bay Buccaneers (@Buccaneers) September 26, 2016
WATCH the full presser: https://t.co/R0OjV16Xxf https://t.co/XThnTQA3B7
Jameis Winston dressed to the nines while keeping his style pretty straightforward yet again despite a brutal loss to the Rams at home that severely compromised my survivor pool.
Eli Manning and his frequent dilemma with dueling patterns should be taking notes.
*****
Matthew Slater
There’s nothing bad to say about Matthew Slater, who has to be one of the most likable players in the NFL. Based on the past two weeks, his love for Mars Blackmon and the Jordan Brand as a whole simply knows no bounds.
*****
Ryan Tannehill
Come for Ryan Tannehill’s boring shirt, stay for the nose diggin’.
Just 40 seconds in and Ryan Tannehill has thrown an INT... pic.twitter.com/TgnKgKsftQ
— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) September 25, 2016
In the world of football, 2016 is the year of picking boogers and casually getting a sample taste.
*****
Previously: J.J. Watt Redeems Himself With “Sandlot” Shout-Out
Previously: Meet Cam Newton, Exiled Member Of Exotic Barbershop Quartet
Previously: Matt Ryan Takes Over Zoolander Duties In Tom Brady’s Absence
Previously: Cam Newton Channels A Fashion-Forward Steve Urkel
*****
For more sports chatter, sizzling takes, and utter nonsense, follow Tim Ryan on Twitter and Instagram. And for a look at last season’s colorful ride at the podium, each of those installments can be found right here.