NFL Podium Fashion: A Ferocious Andrew Luck Fills Flashy Void For Tom Brady

The postgame podium has become one of the most convenient platforms for NFL players, and even coaches, to expand that all-important personal brand in the “Sports Biz” and beyond.

While answering mostly asinine questions — Exhibit A — sounds like a hefty burden to carry for 16 Sundays, it can also double as the perfect opportunity for players to style and profile like the Nature Boy by showcasing their unique fashion sensibilities to get fans talking and attract endorsement opportunities from across the globe.

Make no mistake about it, this flashy rundown of “styles” does include fat guys, along with forward-thinking trailblazers like Andrew Luck who clearly don’t give a shit, and never WILL give a shit.

Sadly, we’re all still waiting for some brave soul to take it to this special level of intensity:

Anyway, as we’ve come to learn all too well over the years, sometimes the ensemble works. And sometimes — to a rather scarring degree — it most certainly does NOT:

Sweet antlers, bro.

*****MISSING IN ACTION*****

The Week 4 BYE has viciously robbed us of Aaron Rodgers and his empty-eyed vision for fashion, Philly’s sensational rookie Carson Wentz, and the man who never lacks a unique presence, Mr. Malcolm Jenkins.

As for those who did take the field this week, these are their stories…

Ndamukong Suh

via Miami Dolphins.com

Ndamukong Suh meets you halfway. Yes, he will wear a suit. No, he will not smile. The bonus? He will come equipped with a human-sized face towel to manage his inner sprinkler system. Fair enough, big fella.

*****

Sam Bradford

Under no circumstances are you to trust a man who wears the same outfit for three consecutive weeks, and that’s exactly what’s happening here with unsettling QB, Sam Bradford.

OK, so his jacket was slightly different last night but his shirt has barely moved and that unhinged expression at far right tells us everything we need to know: This nut job must be monitored at all times.

Jerry can tell you alllllll about it.

*****

Cordarrelle Patterson

You officially have our attention, Cordarrelle Patterson. This is art.

Jarvis Landry and his explosive flowery poof are no doubt hearing footsteps. And if they’re not, they should be.

*****

T.J. Ward

This man is simply outrageous. The gold frames that encase those windshield-like lenses are enough to destroy most walk-in closets.

If this is TJ’s modernized version of Sean Penn in Carlito’s Way, he’s certainly pulled it off — and then some.

Remember, this is the same dude who seamlessly married a leather boat hat to a “Doors” shirt. So in short, don’t allow yourself to sleep on T.J. Ward.

*****

Melvin Gordon

Never would have expected Melvin Gordon to be the go-to Chargers guy for this space, but here were are and he’s been owning the hell out of it.

However, when you take into account Melvin’s expression and topple it with the exuberant reporter behind him, well — things get a little troubling.

Probably best to move on…

*****

Ryan Tannehill

via MiamiDolphins.com

It’s taken me longer than it should have, but I finally figured out that woefully inept QB, Ryan Tannehill, is the super sketchy “friend of the murdered friend” on any given episode of “Forensic Files.” Which is to say, forever unsettling, forever guilty.

You’ve been warned.

*****

Tyrod Taylor

https://twitter.com/buffalobills/status/782680844725063680

If you’re looking to nitpick — and who am I to shun nitpicking? — the only thing wrong here with smooth T2 is that his hair isn’t running directly through the top of the photo.

Please keep that thing growing, dude.

*****

Ross Cockrell

Meet Ross Cockrell, Steelers cornerback and the latest victim of a vengeful, low-flow shower head.

Kramer’s reaction says it all.

*****

Marcus Mariota

The Titans are 1-3 but Marcus Mariota would like you to believe the Titans are 0-4. This guy looks like a reluctant teenager who was physically forced to attend the 8th grade dance.

Get it together, dude.

*****

Richard Sherman

Following Seattle’s 27-17 win over the Jets, a very graceful and eloquent Richard Sherman accepted a Grammy for “Best Contemporary Classical Composition” — just as I predicted.

Allegedly.

*****

Cody Kessler

For the second straight week, Cody Kessler has managed to exude the feelings of an entire city in one simple photograph.

Poor guy looks like he’s standing trial for murder.

No need to sweat though, Cody, because virtually every Survivor Pool in America is very much aliiiiiive; thanks to you guys.

AGAIN.

*****

Carlos Hyde

Carlos Hyde and his moment-owning gold chains were a nice change of pace from Blaine Gabbert’s jarringly consistent J. Crew collection, which I refuse to put on display until that guy does something worth noting.

*****

Von Miller

Perhaps the greatest viral ad ever done by a shoe company. Adidas keeps Glass Joe-ing the hell out of Nike and it’s a pleasure to watch.

*****

Brock Osweiler

Not exactly sure what the future holds for Texans QB Brock Osweiler — don’t get me wrong, it’s been pretty spectacular so far — but politics are surely in his future. This 25-year-old maestro conducts the orchestra like he’s been here for yeeeeears.

An accidental artist, perhaps. But a purposeful artist indeed.

*****

Blake Bortles

As @JasonHartileus pointed out, could this have been the first time all season that Blake Bortles has been photographed not wearing any Jax gear? Most likely.

To punctuate matters, this seminal moment will be looked back upon as especially remarkable since Bortles boldly chose to replace his Jags garb with a “Saturdays Are For The Boys” t-shirt.

Going from officially NFL-licensed gear to the Barstool Sports t-shirt store is a huge leap to potential greatness.

But ultimately… not.

via Jaguars.com

Instead, our boy Blake did the usual yet again, with the added bonus that he picked his ear and rolled its contents — just watch, he rolled that wax — in what I thought was a pretty touching tribute to European hygiene.

*****

Michael Crabtree

Look, I can totally get behind the Raiders returning to relevancy. In fact, I love it. And while I understand “fashionable” looks of the past have their way of boomeranging their way back, I can — in no way — support the jean jacket movement.

Even it happens to be $3,000 denim like the one Crabtree’s wearing.

*****

Matt Ryan

Matty Ice was looking sharp after beating the Panthers, though I do have but one question: Would it kill the guy to wipe his glistening face?

I can see members of the media on his drenched forehead.

*****

Cam Newton

Cam was possibly concussed and unavailable to meet with the media, so please enjoy the above photo from Week 4 of last season.

Sadly fitting, I know.

While we’re here, may I ask what it will take for a flag to be thrown when Cameron gets his weekly dose of helmet-to-helmet murder?

Got it.

*****

LeSean McCoy

That hat. That vest. That earring that feels like a sparkling taunt to Sir Thomas Brady. Yes sir, the AFC East just got interesting, as did the fashion crown.

Having said that, anyone who knows anything about anything knows that Tommy’s gonna come out guns blazing next week.

*****

Andrew Luck

via Colts.com

“If ya’ don’t know, now ya’ know.” — Andrew Luck to reporters, allegedly.

Oh, but we do know and it’s wonderful, Andrew. You are an absolute blessing to the AFC South, the fashion industry as a whole, and anyone who has ever said “come at me, Bro.”

To be fair, I would probably exude the exact same bravado, win or lose, had I signed a similar contract three months ago.

*****

Tony Jefferson

Cardinals safety Tony Jefferson also subscribes to the same bare bones approach that Luck lives for, albeit in a far more effective way. Sometimes ya’ just gotta spell it out:  6-1-9.

Speaking of the 619, TJ, the Chargers could’ve used you yesterday.

*****

Golden Tate

This is top shelf work by Golden Tate despite another “almost” moment from the consistently soul-smothering Detroit Lions.

*****

Matthew Stafford

https://twitter.com/Lions/status/782708542029570048

On the other end of the universe was Matthew Stafford, who looks like a guy either in great need of meds, or in dire need to pull back on the dosage.

Glass half-full? Yeah, with rat urine. Because the 1-3 Lions get to host the undefeated Eagles next Sunday.

*****

Ryan Fitzpatrick

The Jets* are a complete dumpster fire and will not be treated fairly until such a gesture makes sense.

But, hey, at least Ryan Fitzpatrick looked great again:

I mean, really, really great. Like, bigly great.

*Show me a week the Jets play well and I’ll show you a picture of an actual Jet and, eventually, someone on the Jets.

*****

Alex Smith

Judging by the shirt choice here, Alex is giving off much more of a Rory McIlroy vibe than he is NFL quarterback, which makes perfect sense to me based on his meager performance.

It’s OK, Alex, I too found myself drifting over to the Ryder Cup from time to time.

*****

Andy Dalton

via Bengals.com

Andy Dalton’s black leather jacket took the night off presumably due to short rest, thanks to the always dreaded Thursday Night Game. Which led to…

As Andy said, “these unis make you want to post a pic.”

Completely agree, particularly when said pic channels the great Scut Farkus:

You truly scare us sometimes, Andy. You really do.

*****

Kelvin Benjamin

A Gatorade fridge and some dude’s bicep in the background’? For fuck’s sake, Kelvin Benjamin deserved better.

*****

Jarvis Landry

This is just to confirm that last week’s effort was no Snapchat filter, folks.

Yup yup. It’s the real deal, and one of the greatest things to happen in “hair sports” since Bill Walton’s tie-dye armpit hair of ’73.

Sublime.

*****

Andrew Whitworth

via Bengals.com

Bengals offensive tackle Andrew Whitworth and his beard bush are a gift. A god damn gift.

Yes, YOU, Andrew. Now take a bow, fine sir.

*****

Previously: Cam Can’t Figure Out Which Color To Paint The Kitchen
Previously: J.J. Watt Redeems Himself With “Sandlot” Shout-Out
Previously: Meet Cam Newton, Exiled Member Of Exotic Barbershop Quartet
Previously: Matt Ryan Takes Over Zoolander Duties In Tom Brady’s Absence
Previously: Cam Newton Channels A Fashion-Forward Steve Urkel

*****

For more breaking news, sizzling takes, and utter ass-hattery, follow Tim Ryan on Twitter and Instagram. For a look at last season’s colorful ride at the podium, each of those installments can be found here.