NFL Podium Fashion: Tom Brady Pays Homage To Terrible Clothing

With each passing NFL season, more and more attention seems to be paid to the postgame podium, where star players — and even crappy ones — are gifted with a ripe opportunity to style and profile like The Nature Boy, inevitably getting fans talking and cementing endorsement gigs from across the globe.

Sadly, we’re all still waiting for some brave soul to take it to this remarkable level of intensity and showmanship:

But make no mistake about it, this flashy rundown of styles includes all walks of life, like fat guys and forward-thinking trailblazers like Andrew Luck who clearly don’t give a shit, and never WILL give a shit.

As we’ve come to learn all too well over the years, sometimes the ensemble works.

And sometimes it most certainly does NOT:

via TheBigLead.com

****MISSING IN ACTION*****

The Vikings and Buccaneers were off? Could’ve fooled me! No, seriously, had no clue. But yeah, the Vikings are good and no one gives a shit.

Teddie Bridgeater must feel greeeeeeat. Kinda. NO.

WELCOME BACK, KAEP!

We (aka a bunch of Niners fans) have missed you.

Also, memorable tie.

*****

Without further ado, for the shining NFL personalities who did take the field this week, these are their stories…

Tom Brady

Duuuuuuude, WTF? Was Gisele on vacation? Seriously, I’m reeling. Because this is beyond outright abomination, this is DISGUSTING.

Now go home and think about what you did, ‘ya dick.

Tom Brady has basically morphed into a mid 80s shopping mall. A very, very bad mall.

*****

Joey Bosa

via Chargers.com

Have you met Joey Bosa yet? Well THIS is Joey Bosa, a guy who should probably start conducting interviews from behind an impenetrable gate.

*****

Antonio Brown’s Cleats

Say it with me, YES! YES! YES! These are officially Everyone-Approved, including the real life Cookie Monster, Dikembe Mutombo. Excellent choice by Antonio, who has become the go-to guy when it comes to changing things up dramatically.

The true dream is for Deke to one day wear a hightop version of these during an NBA veterans game during All-Star weekend.

*****

Philip Rivers

via Chargers.com

We know it’s been hard, Phil. Even when a win feels like a sure thing, everyone knows by now that it’s most certainly not the case when it comes to you and your panic attack-inducing ‘Bolts.

*****

Von Miller

If you think there’s anything that TefLon Von hasn’t embraced with great life, you’d be wildly wrong.

*****

Oh Wait, Von Miler Again?

https://www.instagram.com/p/BLhS6eWAwci/

Yes, sir. Although I do find the buttons to be hideous.

Aqib Talib was well on his way to — and probably your wife — victory with these tone-setters.

Holy shit. Worth another, obnoxious look.

Hall of Fame feet right there.

*****

Todd Davis

via DenverBroncos.com

Broncos linebacker Todd Davis went the Friends route with the distinct addition of “ZERO” right above. While Todd’s siblings and family giggle away, I would like to make a fierce point that Todd’s hat sucks.

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We’re Still Waiting, Mr. Florio

Such an offensive tie insisting on sweet love to an unforeseen, 8-bit video game button-down pretty much forces for what we’ll all remember as the colossal fail of ’16; or not at all.

Seriously, man, own up and apologize. Make this easier on all of us. Because everyone is PISSED.

*****

Previously: Andrew Luck Fills Flashy Void For Tom Brady
Previously: Cam Can’t Figure Out Which Color To Paint The Kitchen
Previously: J.J. Watt Redeems Himself With “Sandlot” Shout-Out
Previously: Meet Cam Newton, Exiled Member Of Exotic Barbershop Quartet
Previously: Matt Ryan Takes Over Zoolander Duties In Tom Brady’s Absence
Previously: Cam Newton Channels A Fashion-Forward Steve Urkel

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For more breaking news, scorching takes, and utter ass-hattery, follow Tim Ryan on Twitter and Instagram. For a look at last season’s colorful ride at the podium, each of those installments can be found right here.