Cam Newton Is Ready To Party With Dick Tracy At The Kentucky Derby

The Panthers beat the Cardinals earlier this afternoon by a score of 30-20, surprisingly causing MVP quarterback Cam Newton to channel a brooding — though exceedingly colorful — Undertaker before finally lifting his head up to a room full of stunned, and mostly flatlined reporters.

https://twitter.com/Panthers/status/792834389583368192

As you can see, Cam was very much in character. In fact, deeeeeeep into character.

Oh, and it’s apparently Valentine’s Day. And St. Paddy’s Day. And it’s also the Kentucky Derby. At The Joker’s house. The day before Halloween. But of course!

Wow, oh wow, does the NFL — and the world for that matter — need Cam Newton.

In all seriousness, how is there not an exotic bird proudly sitting on Cam’s left shoulder, scowling at reporters while the tactful fashion icon collects himself for the proper answer? It’s almost like he’s making room for his own personal, press-thwarting bird.

Or he’s simply making sure there’s enough room for a record number of photoshops to come pouring through. Always, always remember — this man knows exactly what he’s doing.

So hang tight, as some beautiful internet art will no doubt be surfacing within the next 11 minutes.

*****UPDATES*****

Holy crap, Cam’s shoes are actually made of sliced cheese.

You won’t ever convince me that they aren’t. I don’t even care if the shoe company makes an official statement declaring otherwise. Those things are made entirely of CHEESE.

They’d make one helluva duo.

This is the angle Cam and his handlers feared most. Who was the stand-in for the initial suit walkthrough, Carlton Banks?

Swap the pink hat for a green one and BOOM, Cam Newton.

WOAH. Never. Mind. Carry on now, please.