NFL Podium Fashion: Tom Brady’s XXXL Overcoat Won The Weekend

With each passing NFL season, more and more attention seems to be paid to the postgame podium, where star players — and even terrible ones — are gifted with the ripe opportunity to style and profile like The Nature Boy, inevitably getting the masses talking and potentially cementing endorsement gigs from across the globe.

Sadly, we’re all still waiting for some rowdy specimen to take it to this next-level intensity:

But make no mistake about it, this flashy rundown of styles includes all walks of life, like fat guys and forward-thinking trailblazers like Andrew Luck who clearly don’t give a shit, and never will give a shit.

As we’ve come to learn over the years, sometimes the ensemble works:

It’s too bad NaVorro Bowman went down for the season. The man is a beast of a linebacker and a straight up pimp at the podium.

Unfortunately not everyone is Bowman, so it’s not uncommon that, at times, the ensemble most certainly does NOT work, like this stirring mess from Andrew Whitworth last year.

****MISSING IN ACTION*****

The Week 8 BYE snatched a total of six teams from our grasp in Baltimore, L.A., Miami, the Giants, Pittsburgh, and the Niners. That’s a whole lot of perpetual awkwardness taken from our lives, given the devastating combo of Flacco, Case Keenum, Eli, and the great Landry Jones.

Speaking of Landry, he gets the feature M.I.A. photo slot since we left him out of last week’s edition. Especially because … what in the hell was this?

Next time you pass an “Under $10!” bin at Old Navy or Gap or wherever you picked up this linen pack of gum, white knuckle your way through it, dude. Or just stay out of malls.

As for the shining NFL personalities who did take the field this week, these are their stories…

Derrick Henry

via TitansOnline.com

This is Derrick Henry’s first appearance in this space and boy is it a difference-maker. What a suave showman. I’m just ashamed it’s taken eight weeks to put him here.

Derrick’s calm but confident expression here appears to be asking, “so what took so long, asshole?”

Honestly, I really don’t know, man. I really don’t.

Henceforth, all hail King Henry.

*****

Sam Bradford

via Vikings.com

Until you actually hear the guy speak, Sam Bradford is one of the more terrifying individuals in the NFL. Those eyes, man. Dude looks like he’s just been challenged in front of a packed house on Monday Night Raw.

Also, it’s not a lucky suit. He’s STILL WEARING THE SAME SUIT he wore when the Vikings were undefeated.

The plot thickens…

*****

Jay Cutler

https://twitter.com/ChicagoBears/status/793429950367993856

On the flip side, look at happy Jay Cutler! That’s a genuine smile right there. Must be a new jacket. Jay loooooves to go shopping.

*****

Aaron Rodgers

I greatly enjoy that the official Twitter account of the Green Bay Packers chose this photo of Aaron Rodgers, presumably channeling an extraordinarily strung-out Sean Penn, to represent the franchise. That’s just cold.

The difference between winning and losing in the NFL has never been so visibly apparent.

*****

Tom Brady

via Patriots.com

No one is untouchable here and that includes the usually sharp, Sir Thomas.

Did Brady borrow this overcoat/shawl/fancy poncho from one of his linemen? While I realize it is in fact a coat that is meant to be large enough to cover a suit, this is a drastic departure from the perfectly tailored, fitted look that we’ve become so accustomed to from TB12.

Having said that, it’s a great jacket. Now please send this standard issue, Morty Seinfeld XL to your tailor and get this shit buttoned up pronto, Tommy.

*****

Senator Kirk Cousins

via Redskins.com

When he’s not playing quarterback for the Washington Redskins, Kirk Cousins plays an up and coming, 5-tool Senator that recently hopped out of your J. Crew catalog.

*****

Cam Newton

via Twitter

Yeah, uh, so… Cam.

Well, Sunday ended up being one of those emergency “holy crap Cam looks like the Joker porked Dick Tracy” kind of days, so he got his own special spot, which can be read in full here.

Nonetheless, the point remains: How was there not an exotic bird proudly sitting on Cam’s left shoulder, scowling at reporters while the tactful fashion icon collected himself for the proper answer? It was almost as if the Panthers QB were making room for his own personal, press-thwarting bird.

*****

Dak Prescott

Dak Prescott’s staunch devotion to the stylings of the late, great Brother Mouzone is unlike any other.

Yes, I too loved The Wire, Dak, though if you refuse to move forward with your fashion sensibilities, my references and your look shall decay together as one.

You’ve been warned.

*****

Blake Bortles

via Jaguars.com

Blake Bortles was decked out in his version of “Jags Formalwear” following Thursday night’s embarrassment against Tennessee, though anything Jags gear-related should come as no surprise. What’s more pertinent is the symbolism to the season he displayed at the podium. Does it get any more fitting than what we have above?

Well now, that’s just inappropriate, Blake.

When did “excuse me, may I have this next dance” get replaced by “excuse me, may I consume the fumes of my own ass”?

Grow up.

*****

Tyrod Taylor

Even when Ty-Smooth elects to go the casual route, he’s still the best dressed .500 quarterback of all time.

*****

Von Miller

via DenverBroncos.com

Von Miller looks like a guy who ain’t ready to hear some bullshit from anyone after chopping all that wood. The price is the price, and they’re paying the god damn price.

Seriously, how can you not love this guy? He’s the freakin’ best.

*****

Andy Dalton

via Bengals.com

It seems like we often forget, but it’s pretty unnerving that Andy Dalton houses the ability to flash the Dual People’s Eyebrow whenever he damn well feels like it. When you add in the swooping hair, it’s like three brooding eyebrows all at once.

Pretty handy tool when you’re not in the mood to deal with anyone’s crap.

*****

Josh Norman

via Redskins.com

Josh Norman’s brown leather jacket could’ve hung there all by itself at the podium and it would’ve been one of the best press conferences of the season. Adding in the Man United scarf was a brilliant touch.

Or the worst thing ever. Depends who you’re asking and whether or not they care about the lively act of soccer ball kicking.

I’d like to think Norman greeted Man U’s Paul Pogba by saying “not bad, not bad, but you see this jacket, right?”

*****

Matt Ryan

via AtlantaFalcons.com

He’s trying. He really is. And Matty Ice saved my survivor pool yesterday, so I’ll try and go easy on the guy.

I’m just not so sure this jacket is doing much to help him other than to make his shoulders look more minuscule than Steph Curry’s.

*****

Melvin Gordon

via Chargers.com

Just a little over a week since Jim Harbaugh debuted his new glasses in homage to Michael Douglas in Falling Down, Melvin Gordon wasted no time in taking things up a notch or two.

Your move, Jimbo.

*****

Trevor Siemian

via DenverBroncos.com

This “approach” from Trevor Siemian is somewhat understandable because this is exactly how I would look had I been dumb enough to choose a button-down that was rolled up in a ball five minutes before my press conference.

*****

Carson Wentz

Carson Wentz absolutely dazzled the masses last Wednesday by sporting a U.S. time zone t-shirt, leaving the better part of the free world yearning to see what might be next…

via PhiladelphiaEagles.com

The rook’ done good, looking very dapper to go along with a confident demeanor following a tough OT loss to the Cowboys.

On a semi-related but mostly unrelated note, please don’t ever say Carson Wentzylvania again.

*****

GRONK

via Patriots.com

This is an improvement by Gronk and, frankly, it’s adorable that he wants to be spiffy just like his buddy Tommy.

*****

Gerald McCoy

via Buccaneers.com

It’s pretty clear that Bucs defensive tackle Gerald McCoy was in the Halloween spirit and would love nothing more than to be seated in Elliot’s storied bicycle basket.

Sorry, bud. But that seat’s been taken for years.

*****

Marcus Mariota

Someone finally came to the podium in full uniform!

Sadly, it was just Marcus Mariota and not Vince Wilfork, Vince McMahon, or your dad.

It’s the facial expression that really sends things in the wrong direction here.

*****

Michele Tafoya

Michele Tafoya’s leather jacket just put Mike Florio’s entire dressing room in a god damn body bag.

Correct?

Correct.

And yes, we’re still awaiting an official explanation from NBC, @ProFootballTalk, and Mike Florio’s team of synchronized dancing cats as to how that shirt and tie ever met.

*****

Bonus Round: Bills Fans!

I think it’s more than fair to say that fans of the Buffalo Bills deserve honorary Super Bowl rings following the most storied dildo launch in the history of mankind.

*****

These Deion Things

These are so strange and awkward, so I implore the NFL Network to keep posting the worst screenshots possible.

Nice O-Face, Dez.

This is so Matty Ice it hurts. Keep ’em coming.

*****

Previously: The Remarkable Transformation Of Case Keenum
Previously: Tom Brady Pays Homage To Terrible Clothing
Previously: Andrew Luck Fills Flashy Void For Tom Brady
Previously: Cam Can’t Figure Out Which Color To Paint The Kitchen
Previously: J.J. Watt Redeems Himself With “Sandlot” Shout-Out
Previously: Meet Cam Newton, Exiled Member Of Exotic Barbershop Quartet
Previously: Matt Ryan Takes Over Zoolander Duties In Tom Brady’s Absence
Previously: Cam Newton Channels A Fashion-Forward Steve Urkel

*****

For more breaking news, scorching takes, and utter ass-hattery, follow Tim Ryan on Twitter and Instagram. For a look at last season’s colorful ride at the podium, each of those installments can be found right here.