Make America Kayfabe Again: A Linda McMahon-Inspired Donald Trump Cabinet

NASHUA, NH – APRIL 17: Former CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment Linda McMahon speaks at the First in the Nation Republican Leadership Summit April 17, 2015 in Nashua, New Hampshire. The Summit brought together local and national Republicans and was attended by all the Republicans candidates as well as those eyeing a run for the nomination. (Photo by Darren McCollester/Getty Images)

With the news that twice-failed US Senate Candidate Linda McMahon is being rumored for consideration by WWE Hall of Famer Donald Trump for the US Secretary of Commerce in the forthcoming administration of the 44th President, we wanted to take a look at what a cabinet full of sports entertainers would look like under the President-Elect.

Let me start out by saying this. Sgt. Slaughter is a scumbag and would be charged with treason. He has no place in this administration.

Also, despite his reinvention as an entertaining social media puppet, the Iron Sheik was a transitional champion – a loser. He can swear all he wants. He’s out. Further, there will be no deceased cabinet members. The dead already failed us as voters in the general election.  I can’t even make an exception for The Wall.

Department of Commerce
Linda McMahon
We will assume this is locked up.

Department of State
Nikita Koloff

A big, bruising, sinister Russian Nightmare, Koloff is Vlad Putin’s wet dream. Given their *alleged* role in influencing the outcome of the election, and Trump’s indifference to it, it’s time to reset relations. Maybe he can teach these rioting, disrespectful Magnum T.A. and American Dream-loving Yankees some manners.

Department of the Treasury
Alexandra York
A financial analyst and head of the York Foundation, she was an early tech adopter who used statistical models to help her stable. When that failed, she cracked opponents over the head with an early 75-pound laptop. She is also a throwback to the Clinton years, and could appease opponents of Trump.

Department of Defense
General Hugh G. Rection
Really, The Donald is simply using this appointment to leverage Undersecretary Major Gunns.

Department of Justice
Earl Hebner
Earl Hebner is so controlled by men with money that he went so far as to have plastic surgery to collect a check in a dastardly way. The ref is Trump’s kind of guy.

Department of the Interior
Dances with Dudley

While a true Native American, Tatanka was exploited by the McMahons as a racist caricature. DWD came from a broken, multi-racial home to act in a complementary role to his much more successful and talented brothers.

Department of Agriculture
Terry Taylor

If you want to truly understated the plight of the American farmer, you need to become a chicken. Let’s all be Rooster Boosters.

Department of Labor
UNION busting head of The Corporation, Vincent K. McMahon. 

Department of Health and Human Services
Dr. Tom Prichard

As both a doctor and a picture of health as a Bodydonna, few fit the bill better.

Department of Housing and Urban Development
Rev. Slick

If anyone can heal the racial divides exacerbated by this election, it’s a man who could take a fat white biker from Obama’s adopted hometown of Chicago and transform him into a black man from deepest darkest Africa.

Department of Transportation
The Godfather

Perhaps turning Amtrak profitable by transforming it into the ho train would make it less reliable on federal funding.

Department of Energy
Adam Bomb 

Trump’s been threatening to use him for years.

Department of Education
“Dean” Shane Douglas

The Franchise not only is an played an educator on TV, but also in the classrooms of Western PA. Further, his straight talk singlehandedly set off a revolution that made wrestling great again.

Department of Veterans Affairs

Col. Craig “Pitbull” Pitman 

“The beatings will continue until morale improves.”  Seem apropos.

Department of Homeland Security
La Cucharacha

The white Cucharacha was able to successfully infiltrate the Mexican cartel of cruiserweight luchadors who were taking away jobs from American wrestlers.

Bonus Non-Cabinet Positions

FBI Director
The FBI

Hit the bricks, Comey. JT Smith will now be the head of the FBI and field offices will be run by Little Guido, Tommy Rich and Tracy Smothers. The J. Edgar Hoover Building will renamed in memoriam for Big Val.

Environmental Protection Agency
Acolytes Protection Agency

Money, Inc.

White House Spokesperson
Joel Gertner

His brand of locker room talk is only fitting.

Suggestions? Let us know in the comments.