NFL Podium Fashion: Tom Brady Broke Out The Inspector Gadget Jacket
By Tim Ryan
As we get deeper into the NFL season, it appears as though players have gone deeper into their bag of tricks when it comes to the postgame podium, where star players — particularly Antonio Brown — are bestowed with the opportunity to style and profile like Ric Flair, inevitably setting Twitter ablaze in an effort to get the attention of big brands so as to finally cement that elusive endorsement gig from a mattress company in Japan.
Sadly, we’re still waiting for some flashy showman to take it to this kind of next-level intensity:
But make no mistake about it, this weekly onslaught of styles includes all walks of life, led by fashion-forward trailblazers such as Andrew Luck, who clearly doesn’t give a shit and never will give a shit.
As we’ve come to learn over the years, sometimes the ensemble works:
Yes, Jay Cutler not only dressing like Ron Burgundy but also sporting the same seductive demeanor was probably a Top 5 career highlight for the Bears quarterback.
Unfortunately, there’s only one Jay Cutler, so it’s not uncommon to see that — at times — the ensemble most certainly does NOT work; like last season when Professor Jim Tomsula busted out his reading glasses.
****MISSING IN ACTION*****
The Week 11 BYE savagely yanked some truly flashy players off the field in Melvin Gordon, Muhammad Wilkerson, Brandon Marshall, and the always unpredictable Von Miller.
We were also robbed of Trevor Siemian’s awkwardness and Matt Ryan’s incredibly sweaty forehead.
I’d love to say that this was the one week where we weren’t gifted with a bolo tie from Philip Rivers, but that’s been missing all season long. Sad!
As for those who did take the field this week, these are their stories…
Luke Kuechly
This was honestly a refreshing photo to see from the Panthers on Friday considering the way Luke Kuechly looked when he was carted off the field Thursday night.
He didn’t seem like a guy who was injured, he seemed like a guy who didn’t know where he was or what he was doing. Scary sight.
Now let’s put all the pleasantries aside and get onto the mockery.
*****
Landon Collins
Well, you had a nice run, Jarvis Landry. But your hair just got absolutely OWNED by Landon Collins. It also happens to go exceptionally well with his shirt. The dude seriously thought of everything.
*****
Jarvis Landry
I mean, don’t get me wrong. Landry’s hair is pretty special in its own right but it lacks the full execution exhibited by Landon Collins.
Sprinkle in a few more colors and the conversation drastically changes. You know, like this.
*****
Tom Brady
Tom Brady would’ve been wise to just stick with the v-neck t-shirt but instead he chose, again, to honor both Inspector Gadget and Morty Seinfeld.
Remember when he did this last year?
At least that one was a little more understated and casual. This one is just inexcusable. And I don’t care if it cost him $5,000. He looks like a complete fool in that enormous collar suited only for the likes of Andre the Giant and Yao Ming.
@TheSportsHernia who wore it better? pic.twitter.com/pLmMoFcl3W
— Kev Rich (@kevantrich) November 21, 2016
We’re heading into Week 12, Sir Thomas. You gotta bring the pain soon or you’ll be punted off the top of Mt. Fashion with great vigor.
*****
Andrew Luck
Tim Ryan: “Hi Andrew, Tim Ryan of The Outside Game here. So how would you grade your fashion performance so far this season?”
Andrew Luck: […]
TR: Good talk, Russ.
*****
Cam Newton
Take one look at this scintillating photo and tell me Cam Newton wouldn’t have been a major star on In Living Color. He makes Jamie Foxx’s classic facial expressions seem pedestrian here.
Coincidentally, I’m getting a major Anton the Bum vibe from this shot.
It’s a great outfit in theory, but it’s thrown together like he slept on the subway.
*****
Aaron Rodgers
https://twitter.com/packers/status/800588200293105664
Is there a reason the Packers always choose a photo of Aaron Rodgers where he looks like he was just woken up from a nap to be badgered with questions from reporters?
Also, is there any particular reason as to why all of his outfits must feature a white Hanes t-shirt?
If they made turtleneck t-shirts, Aaron Rodgers would be first in line because this guy wants nothing more than to make sure you see as much of his white t-shirt as possible, regardless of outfit.
*****
Eli Manning
I haven’t done a whole lot of Eli bashing this year and that’s mostly because he hasn’t given me much ammo. Once again, his suit is very sharp.
However, his derpy facial expressions are second to none. He’s basically the NFL’s very own Beaker.
*****
Tyrod Taylor
Tyrod on taking hits on QB runs: "Whatever it takes to move the chains." ✊ pic.twitter.com/xvkCItMr9C
— Buffalo Bills (@BuffaloBills) November 20, 2016
It’s a forgone conclusion that Tyrod Taylor will be the one hitting Tom Brady over the head with a steel chair and yanking the coveted fashion championship belt right out of his hands.
T-Smooth is always on point and somehow manages to never overdo it; and that’s no easy feat. Just ask Cam Newton.
*****
Drew Brees
Drew Brees looked sharp for a change but he does not exactly look “well.”
Get well, get well soon, we wish you to get well!
“Oh what a stirring little anthem of wellness” was quite possibly Peterman’s most unheralded line. Amazing.
*****
Dak Prescott
Polka-dotted bow tie and a pinstriped shirt? No, Dak. The answer is NO. Now go to your room.
*****
Zach Strief
Saints offensive tackle Zach Strief’s impromptu Undertaker impression was off the charts.
Oh, and there was also this.
.@hodakotb is rooting for @drewbrees and the @Saints tonight! pic.twitter.com/y3zIrxrghw
— TODAY with Hoda & Jenna (@HodaAndJenna) November 17, 2016
No wonder the Saints are a spiraling mess.
*****
Marcus Mariota
Marcus Mariota’s outward plea to Netflix for a role on season 3 of Narcos is going tremendously well.
*****
Sam Bradford
Sam Bradford, Minnesota’s very own version of Dexter, is still wearing the same suit he’s been wearing since his first start for the Vikings in Week 2. And, as you can clearly see, he still looks like a complete maniac whenever he steps up to the podium.
Seriously dude, you’re scaring the living shit out of all of us.
*****
Carson Palmer
Dear Carson Palmer,
Don’t ever disgrace the scarf game like this again.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Scarf Enthusiasts & Anyone With A Mirror
*****
Le’Veon Bell
Looks great!
*****
Russell Wilson
Russell Wilson wore what very well might be the greatest smoking jacket I’ve ever seen.
Apologies for the picture quality on this one. Apparently the Seahawks now film all press conferences underwater.
*****
Matthew Stafford
Stafford on contribution from defense: https://t.co/4pWtiEp4o9 pic.twitter.com/d6yymWLXYm
— Detroit Lions (@Lions) November 21, 2016
The Detroit Lions are tied for first place and Matt Stafford flashed a smile and a genuine look of happiness. Ladies and gentlemen, this goes way beyond fashion.
Still, the greatly exposed white undershirt has become a widespread epidemic in the NFL.
*****
Ted Ginn Jr.
Ted Ginn Jr. seemingly put it all together — the hair, the Harbaugh glasses, the jacket, the chain — but his decision to wear a t-shirt with a newspaper column written on it feels like a costly one.
Guarantee he got stopped every three seconds by someone asking what his shirt says.
Additionally, and perhaps most importantly, Ginn needs to keep a close eye on the vengeful redhead behind him. That mercenary has blood in his eyes.
*****
Dez Bryant
Perfect example of making a statement without turning yourself into a circus clown. Black shirt, black fedora, and a thunderous gold chain. Boom, mission accomplished.
*****
Jay Cutler
https://twitter.com/ChicagoBears/status/800480116707102721
Of all the quotes to feature, the Bears went with the “hard one to swallow” line. Excellent.
But not as excellent as Jay Cutler’s tie. It’s like his mom forced him to wear one so he put in the effort of a 3rd grader as his way of rebelling.
I love Jay Cutler.
*****
Taylor Decker
If Lions offensive tackle Taylor Decker could somehow turn that eyeblack into hair, it would be the ballsiest, most devastating look on the planet.
Even in its current state, the seamless transition from beard to eyeblack is astounding.
*****
Ron Rivera
Can Ron Rivera actually see without those glasses on? It might be easier to break through a bank safe than it would be to get through those powerful lenses.
Also, nice Tar Heel-themed outfit, Ronald.
*****
Cam Newton’s Cleats!
Cam's cleats need to be sent to 1984 and placed on the feet of The Rock 'n' Roll Express. pic.twitter.com/ppyeNJ75oh
— Tim Ryan🦤 (@TheSportsHernia) November 18, 2016
Cam Newton is the gift that keeps on giving. Any player who can spark memories of the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express or Shawn Michaels old mullet — simply by wearing cleats — is a hero in my book.
*****
Andy Dalton
My praise for Andy Dalton last week proved to be a costly jinx, as this jacket and button-down were never meant to be and really need to break up.
I know it’s gonna be rough, but there are plenty of other shirts and jackets out there that are much more compatible.
*****
Theo Riddick
Theo Riddick’s patriotic winter hat has just been added to my Christmas list. Outstanding.
*****
Ben Roethlisberger
So meta.
I still find it amazing that Big Ben of all people prefers microphones and cell phones shoved in his face over standing at a podium with a defined distance from reporters.
*****
Colin Kaepernick
Nooooooooooooooooooo! Oh man. Kaep needs to bring back the poofy glory that has become so much a part of his personal brand.
Bottom line: If you’re not gonna give us wins, at least give us the ‘fro.
*****
Victor Cruz
A New York Natives varsity jacket by KITH and some serious gold as the perfect accent. Victor Cruz is winning and you’re not.
He also had some pretty badass cleats. The maracas on the back were an incredible touch.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BNCl3GZD_nk/
*****
Carson Wentz
Carson Wentz is flat-out slaying his fellow rookies when it comes to the suit game.
Though I’m still unsure as to why a reporter felt the need to threaten him with a stun gun. Brings back haunting memories of what Scott Hall did to help Kevin Nash end Goldberg’s streak.
*****
Thomas Morstead
This dude is the Saints PUNTER? My god.
If you suddenly have the urge to throw on Into The Wild, you’re not alone.
*****
Ezekiel Elliott
Officially convinced that Ezekiel Elliott’s beard is fake. Or at the very least, detachable.
Additionally, I cannot get over how much Ezekiel Elliot looks more like Video Game Ezekiel Elliot than Real Ezekiel Elliot.
I always have to do a double take and wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if we later learn that Zeke is, in fact, a CGI creation.
*****
Mike Craft?
Either Panthers reporter Mike Craft is one of the largest humans on earth or 5’11 punter Michael Palardy was zapped with a shrinking gun just moments before the camera began rolling.
UPDATE: It’s confirmed. Mike Craft is basically the Shaq of football reporters.
*****
Bonus Round: Air McFly Cleats!
Odell Beckham Jr. is wearing custom "Back To The Future" cleats today. Pregame & Game cleats here (H/T @k_obrand) pic.twitter.com/EtL7K5CM46
— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) November 20, 2016
Between Cruz, OBJ and Landon Collins, the Giants always seem to be full of interesting surprises.
*****
What's he listening to? pic.twitter.com/bmHsQ4Wrn0
— Strictly 4 My X’ers (@Lizzs_Lockeroom) November 20, 2016
If everyone showed up to work like this, the world would be a far better place.
*****
Manning and Stokley meet up with @Money23Green and @KDTrey5. #TENvsIND pic.twitter.com/4FeAVDS4Ln
— Indianapolis Colts (@Colts) November 20, 2016
Draymond Green opted to offset his sleek jacket with Steven Tyler’s jeans from 1987.
Feels very symbolic, as Dray’ has become the master of doing something great that’s quickly followed by doing something stupid.
*****
These Deion Things
.@MiamiDolphins with a HUGE comeback win against the Rams today.@DeVanteParker11 was a big reason why so he got the call! pic.twitter.com/5AZgn7bBeZ
— NFL Network (@nflnetwork) November 21, 2016
Yup. Still weird. But if it’s the creep factor they’re going for, they’re doing it well.
https://twitter.com/nflnetwork/status/800576599787651073
Is it possible to use something other than an iPhone for these?
.@DeSeanJackson11 and the Redskins took care of business tonight.
— NFL Network (@nflnetwork) November 21, 2016
He joins GameDay Prime to talk about the victory - LIVE! pic.twitter.com/y8GwjTqyLk
Oh, they’re also using Skype too. Great. DeSean looks like he’s checking out a booty.
Helpful hint: Use an actual camera.
*****
Previously: Antonio Brown’s Jacket Just Lit The World On Fire
Previously: Tom Brady’s XXXL Overcoat Won The Weekend
Previously: The Remarkable Transformation Of Case Keenum
Previously: Tom Brady Pays Homage To Terrible Clothing
Previously: Andrew Luck Fills Flashy Void For Tom Brady
Previously: Cam Can’t Figure Out Which Color To Paint The Kitchen
Previously: J.J. Watt Redeems Himself With “Sandlot” Shout-Out
Previously: Meet Cam Newton, Exiled Member Of Exotic Barbershop Quartet
Previously: Matt Ryan Takes Over Zoolander Duties In Tom Brady’s Absence
Previously: Cam Newton Channels A Fashion-Forward Steve Urkel
*****
For more breaking news, scorching takes, and utter ass-hattery, follow Tim Ryan on Twitter and Instagram. For a look at last season’s colorful ride at the podium, each of those installments can be found right here.