Casting the Matthew Dellavedova bio pic

On Tuesday, puzzling news broke out of Fox Sports Australia that Milwaukee Bucks guard Matthew Dellavedova will be partnering with two producers out of Los Angeles to create a film centered around the life and times of the cult hero often known simply and lovingly as “Delly”.

The initial release says that production will begin on site in Australia as soon as next Summer, and names uplifting sports classics like Hoosiers and Rocky as its forefathers. The story of a blue-collar foreign kid achieving success at the NBA’s highest levels is hoping to connect with a global audience, but for now, the news is being celebrated by a smaller community of NBA-heads.

We at the Step Back fancy ourselves to be part of that community, and thus couldn’t help ourselves from casting the whole darned thing. Behold:

THE CAST

Charlie Day as Matthew Dellavedova

Day’s chosen roles are almost entirely made up of irritating sidekicks. I still to this day wonder how Nick Hendricks and Kurt Buckman were able to succeed in imprisoning two bosses and making way for another’s death in Horrible Bosses with Day’s Dale Arbus mucking things up in a soprano shriek for an hour and a half.

Yet Matthew Dellavedova is among the world’s greatest irritating sidekicks. It’s sort of his signature thing. A match made in heaven.

LeBron James as LeBron James

Get you a star who can carry his team back from both a 3-1 deficit in the NBA Finals and poor box office odds. We all saw what James was able to pull off in 2015’s Trainwreck, and we’re anxious for more.

Perhaps no one was as excited for this morning’s news as James, who can get one step closer to an MVPO (NBA MVP + Oscar), which as far as I know, no one has ever gotten, though Kareem Abdul-Jabbar for sure made his best efforts.

Tupac’s Hologram as Iman Shumpert

Let me explain.

I really hope you remember this post from 2014, in which Shumpert, then coming off the worst season of his career with the New York Knicks, apparently commissioned a portrait of himself, a gold basketball chain, and an actual basketball, in the form of Shock G from The Digital Underground’s “Do the Humpty Hump” video. Except in this version, we see “Shumpty Shump” in place of the original title. Yes please.

Except in Dellavedova’s movie, another part of The Digital Underground (actually, the hologram of another part) would take his place for notoriety’s sake. The world freaked out when Tupac Shakur’s hologram appeared at Coachella a few years ago. Imagine what they’d think when it took on a tertiary role in a Hollywood production.

Kevin Hart as Kyrie Irving

There’s no way Kevin Hart’s not getting in on a movie like this. But because Dellavedova had already been signed by the Bucks by the time Kay Felder joined the Cleveland Cavaliers, Hart has nowhere to go be the nominal “short guy”, point guard Kyrie Irving.

Hannibal Buress as James Jones

Another guy who we have to assume would be involved in a basketball comedy like this one (we’re assuming it’s a comedy, right? It has to be a comedy).

Two reasons why Buress has to be Jones: First, because I know Jones’ only role on the team at this point is heckling whomever jogs down the court in practice or falls into a shooting slump, with “Count the rings” as a comeback when he gets lip in return. Second, because there’s no way Buress is getting involved with the intricate basketball scenes unless the stakes are high and he can shine, so basically like what Jones did in the 2015 Playoffs.

Jason Segal as Kevin Love

Big, goofy, unappreciated; all words to describe both Love and Segal. I could totally see Love rebooting the Muppets franchise after his retirement.

Dolph Lundgren as Timofey Mosgov

Because I guess he’s who we go to when we need someone to play an imposing Russian athlete.

Michael B. Jordan as Tristan Thompson

Because we want people to actually see this film. Also, they look a lot alike. Furthermore, we saw what a mean left/right combination Jordan can throw out fools in Creed. After Thompson’s handedness-switch a few years ago, we need that sort of versatility from our on-screen likeness.

Hugh Jackman as Andrew Bogut

Aussies gonna Aussie. You really thought I’d find some American fool and expect him to live up to the brooding “I’ll fight you right effing now” mystique of Bogut? Some sorry actor whom Bogut would actually fight, like, what, Jon Hamm or something? Ha.

Plus, come on. Jackman really needs a break, and playing the small-role hero in a story close to home is perfect. This is also an actual sports movie, as opposed to whatever Eddie the Eagle and Real Steel were supposed to be.

Sean Penn as Steve Kerr

The likeness is just too perfect.

Justin Bieber (in his acting debut!) as Stephen Curry

I’m sorry, I really had to. I feel better already. Thanks for your patience.

THE CREW

John Lee Hancock as Director

The Rookie and The Blind Side. Two stories that perfectly encapsulate the themes of a story like Dellavedova’s. The Rookiebecause of how unlikely it is for someone who sort of defies laws of not being good at sports to actually be pretty good at basketball. The Blind Side because of that thing that happens where Dellavedova sort of tries to hurt other basketball players by coming at them from various unforeseen angles, like someone’s blind side.

David Blatt as the guy who gets told he’s the Director but then is not the Director

Ty Lue is “just a camera guy” in this situation.

No one’s as excited for this film as we are. Actual casting calls can’t come soon enough. If I shoot .500, we’ll call it a victory.

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