From defense to swamp monsters, nothing bothers the Golden State Warriors
By Grant Hughes
The Golden State Warriors are toeing the line between a healthy big-picture perspective and deliberately ignorant rationalization quite nicely.
Since they’re outscoring everyone, it makes sense for them to approach questions about their poor rebounding, occasionally sketchy rim protection and unfocused defensive engagement with what amounts to a team-wide “meh.”
Draymond Green says a fast pace bloats the numbers, Stephen Curry called the defense a work in progress and generally, nobody’s all that worried. A lot of this is logical; the Warriors are getting better on defense as the season continues, and their rim-protection issues are effectively gone thanks to Green and Kevin Durant making it impossible for opponents to finish at close range.
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But at the same time, defense is going to be the biggest worry for this team—if only by default, because offense sure as hell won’t be. But the Warriors just aren’t bothered which, as it turns out, is how they approach everything.
They’ve quietly been facing way scarier problems without batting an eye. I mean, just look at how calmly they’re reacting to things like:
The presence of a literal bog monster living in the practice facility sauna.
“Well, hey, first of all, that’s no way to talk about Anderson Varejao. That’s just how his hair looks naturally.”
“Oh, right. You mean the actual monster. Well, listen: We pride ourselves on an inclusive culture. A good idea can come from anywhere, and while we used to define ‘anywhere’ as the range between a video room intern and our owner, I don’t see a reason to exclude a swamp demon from the low end of that spectrum. I guarantee he’s got some thoughts that will help us at some point. And nobody’s asked him what he’s doing here, but if it turns out he’s actually on the roster, I’m confident there’ll come a time when we’ll need minutes from him. He just needs to stay ready.”
-Steve Kerr
A gaping sinkhole in the home locker room at Oracle arena—one that only stops growing when you feed it shoes.
“Pat McCaw actually fell in once, but like with everything else, he really showed experience beyond his years in that one. You’d have thought he was a four-year vet and not a second-round rookie, the way he stayed composed and hauled himself out, fashioning a grappling hook from his headband and shoelaces.”
-Shaun Livingston
“Yeah, I mean, we’ve lost, like, hundreds of pairs of shoes to the sinkhole. But we think of ourselves as a resourceful group, and everybody’s pitched in to keep that thing fed. There are no egos here.”
-Andre Iguodala
“I’m not concerned, personally. I feel bad for Steph, though. The only shoes the sinkhole spits back up are his. I don’t know if it’s sentient, but I swear I heard it burp, ‘What are those?’ when it upchucked the Curry 3s.”
-Klay Thompson
Owner Joe Lacob refuses to back off his infamous “light years ahead” comment from last spring—the one that galvanized the league against his team. He’s staying stubborn, continuing to incur the jealousy and ire of the NBA even when a “No, I was misquoted. I said light beers” is right there as the perfect out.
“Joe only drinks ambrosia, which is a real liquid from the actual Mt. Olympus. Only he and eight other billionaires know about it. So I’m not sure he even knows what light beer is.”
-Joe Lacob’s dog, who, thanks to several hundred million dollars worth of experimental brain surgery, can talk.
Ian Clark still doesn’t know Mo Speights is no longer on the roster.
“He just loved him so much. I mean, we all did. Nobody has the heart to tell Ian that Mo isn’t really on a goodwill mission to Iceland, teaching charge-taking techniques to orphans. Ian’s the sensitive one. It’d crush him.”
-David West
Golden State hasn’t shaken the habit of playing down to the level of its competition for long stretches, and then relying on five-minute bursts of superhuman shotmaking and defensive chaos to secure wins.
“Uh huh, yep. Really worried about that one. We have to get it sorted out. Can’t rely on unholy levels of sheer talent forever.”
-Stephen Curry, just before doing this:
The Warriors are in their own world, man. What seem like problems to us just don’t register with them.
Relaxed as swamp monsters in saunas, these guys.