NFL Podium Fashion: Marcus Mariota’s Mustache Has Seized Control Of The NFL
By Tim Ryan
As we get deeper into the NFL season, it appears as though players have gone deeper into their bag of tricks when it comes to the postgame podium, where star players — particularly Antonio Brown — are bestowed with the opportunity to style and profile like Ric Flair, inevitably setting Twitter ablaze in an effort to get the attention of big brands so as to finally cement that elusive endorsement gig from a mattress company in Japan.
Sadly, we’re still waiting for some flashy showman to take it to this kind of next-level intensity:
But make no mistake about it, this weekly onslaught of styles includes all walks of life, led by fashion-forward trailblazers such as Andrew Luck, who clearly doesn’t give a shit and never will give a shit.
As we’ve come to learn over the years, sometimes the ensemble works:
Yes, this one was pretty simple. You wear a shirt paying homage to The Sandlot, you win the day.
Unfortunately, not everyone likes to have fun at these things, so it’s not uncommon to see that — at times — the ensemble most certainly does NOT work; like last season when Jay Cutler famously went hunting with an outrageously overdressed Bobby Bacala.
Yeah, I know. It’s a god damn mess. Though it is worth repeating that there is only one Jay Cutler, and without his effortless efforts we wouldn’t have funny shit to talk about.
Take it as you will.
*****MISSING IN ACTION*****
No one!
Absolutely no one!
It was a BYE-free week, so everyone played. Well, except for Andrew Luck, which is really a shame because that dude brings the heat every damn time.
Get yourself healthy and back on the field soon, ya’ hairy freak.
*****
As for those who did take the field this week, these are their stories…
Antonio Brown
Don’t try this at home kids. This kind of ballsy getup only works for those who ooze charisma and have the ability to flash a fierce Blue Steel at any given moment.
Seriously though, two paisley patterns in one outfit? Antonio Brown is quickly becoming my personal hero.
*****
Sam Bradford
Things continued to get a little testy at the Sam Bradford trial, as the cross-examination got a wee bit too personal for the Vikings QB after being asked by the prosecuting attorney if he not only wore the same suit every single week, but slept in it too.
Bradford is scheduled to undergo an intense psychiatric evaluation on Tuesday afternoon.
*****
Marcus Mariota
via TitansOnline.com
The increasingly great Marcus Mariota has no idea that he’s become an NFL legend simply by sprouting a few thousand pubes across his upper lip.
It really astonishing how quickly a simple mustache can completely flip the script.
Anyway, here’s another look at Mariota’s gift of a lipworm.
Can someone remind poor Marcus that he did in fact win a game on the road, 27-21? And while you’re at it, go ahead and warn Sam Elliot and Chuck Norris that their World Mustache Ranking could be in jeopardy.
[Tech Note: You’re an NFL team and your official URL is “www.TitansOnline.com”? What, was “TheProFootballTeamInTennessee.com” already taken? Just terrible.]
******
Jalen Mills
What the… I am the last one to find out about this? How long has this been going on?
Is it mandatory for every player from LSU that makes the NFL to dye their hair?
Nonetheless, I’m loving the idea that Jalen Mills sat down in the chair and said “give me the Ecto Cooler” and then casually started reading Cat Fancy.
Jarvis Landry, Odell Beckham, Landon Collins, and the Honey Badger have some serious work to do at the salon this week.
*****
Matt Barkley
https://twitter.com/ChicagoBears/status/803029354792046597
Matt Barkley looks like he was awoken from a deathly hangover and dragged out of bed by his parents to answer questions with the very real threat of NO STOPPING FOR ICE CREAM had he failed to cooperate.
*****
Ndamukong Suh
Holy shit. I actually have no critique here, sir.
Gonna sit this one out.
*****
Tom Brady
If you were to tell me that Tom Brady had been cast as “Hans Brady” in a Bond movie and his cameo would involve murdering someone by way of death stare, I would barely flinch.
The guy is a sensational villain and an underrated season killah’. Seriously, someone give this dude a glowing red light saber to complete the job here.
*****
Aaron Rodgers
https://twitter.com/packers/status/803522155870908416
No white undershirt! High fives all around. Big, big victory here for Aaron Rodgers.
But when he did start morphing into the lost brother of Herman Munster?
Two steps forward, two steps back.
*****
Carson Wentz
After a truly bumpy first week, Carson Wentz has slayed the field and already clinched Rookie of the Year at the podium.
Hell, he dresses better than half the league.
*****
Colin Kaepernick
As long as Colin Kaepernick keeps the ‘fro, he can say and do whatever he wants and I will back him 100%.
It’s worth noting that he passed for 296 yards and ran for 113 yards on 10 carries. That would take Blaine Gabbert at least nine weeks to accomplish.
*****
Cam Newton
I’m officially convinced that Cam Newton is outwardly telling Hollywood that he would like to audition for the same roles as Samuel L. Jackson.
Additionally, the “Pull-N-Peel” Twizzlers pocket square was a very nice touch.
*****
Randall Cobb
https://twitter.com/packers/status/803529688123588608
Randall Cobb wore a zip-up fleece that was identical to the color to his eyes. I would probably do the same thing if Ed Werder and Sal Paolantonio were asking me questions too.
*****
Brock Osweiler
https://twitter.com/HoustonTexans/status/803010524107542528
The Texans lost to the Chargers yet somehow remain in 1st place at a record of 6-5 and their starting quarterback consistently dresses well. So there’s that.
*****
Jarvis Landry
This dude’s rockin’ gold chains and a bathrobe. If his style wasn’t on your radar already, it should be now.
*****
Russell Wilson
Remember when Russ had that smooth haircut last year where the sides were real tight? He looked like a badass.
Before the Seahawks can move forward from an embarrassing 14-5 loss to the Bucs, this dude needs to get a haircut.
*****
Scott Tolzien
Let’s not spend too much time on this debacle.
Succinct assessment of Scott Tolzien? NEEDS. WORK.
*****
DeSean Jackson
Fedora? Check.
Purple tinted sunglasses? Check.
Gold chains? Check.
An expression that reeks of “are we done with this shit yet?” Check.
Safe to say DeSean Jackson’s night was just getting started after that loss to Dallas.
*****
Terrance Williams
Cowboys receiver Terrance Williams did not take the news lightly after learning from a Dallas beat reporter that the Junior Prom had been cancelled.
There’s always next year, buddy. And also plenty of time to choose a different suit.
*****
Ryan Tannehill
You know who Ryan Tannehill is? He’s the dick at the bar who gets pissed when he loses at a game of pool, so he doubles down and loses again. He’s the worst.
But his deep adoration for plaid button-downs that look identical to one another is as unique as his dimly lit personality and terrible reads.
But hey, the Dolphins won!
So #NFL broadcasters are loving the D today. #Dong pic.twitter.com/TR7omXNj4T
— JockPop (@JockPop) November 27, 2016
Of possibly more importance, how fitting is it that Ryan Tannehill is the dickhead here?
It’s just so rare to stumble upon such beautiful symbolism.
*****
Tyrod Taylor
"Wins and losses. That's all I care about." #TyrodTime pic.twitter.com/BtzL6PW63Y
— Buffalo Bills (@BuffaloBills) November 27, 2016
Well, it took until Week 12 but Tyrod Taylor finally flopped at the podium. It was a wonderful streak — it really was — but this effort is about as flat as his facial expression.
Did he lose a bet?
Did he find inspiration from Randy Quaid’s performance in Kingpin?
And christ, did he actually bedazzle his collar?
Something is amiss and I want answers.
*****
Andy Dalton
Andy Dalton’s bizarre turn from an array of black leather jackets to this boring, J. Crew garbage is as shocking as the Bengals’ grotesque collapse.
Snap out of it, Red Rider.
*****
Blake Bortles
Blake Bortles became the first NFL quarterback to give himself a devastating sleeper hold while meeting with the media.
Can you honestly blame the guy?
Also, nice Jags gear. Seriously, AGAIN, bro? I’m not even gonna mock it because even I’m sick of mocking it at this point.
*****
Matthew Stafford
QB Matthew Stafford talks about the offense's performance against the @Vikings and finding a way to win games: https://t.co/zWRnt0NGRX pic.twitter.com/2CwosCFgU5
— Detroit Lions (@Lions) November 24, 2016
OK, this is starting to get weird. The Detroit Lions have 1st place all to themselves and Matt Stafford has been spotted smiling at the postgame podium for two straight weeks. He even got the outfit right for once. Times are changing in the NFC.
Now take it away, Matty…
When you have a #VictoryMonday and a #VictoryFriday in the same week.#OnePride pic.twitter.com/3NjW6rlGE6
— Detroit Lions (@Lions) November 25, 2016
*****
Larry Fitzgerald
Sweet tie knot, Larry. Even my nephew thinks that looks ridiculous.
*****
Dez Bryant
https://twitter.com/dallascowboys/status/801989772914868224
For a flashy guy like Dez Bryant, I expect more fireworks than a hat you might find in the attic on top of Frank Costanza’s cabana wear bin.
A huge leather top hat with the Cowboys logo on it would’ve fit the bill.
*****
Jason Witten
To the two unidentified Muppets who marched right upfront to pepper Jason Witten with questions, you’re the real MVPs.
The furry duo completely upstaged Witten’s finely tailored suit.
******
Khalil Mack
Simple yet highly effective. Pretty sure the weight on Khalil Mack’s chest could pay your rent for 10 years.
*****
Case Keenum
Case Keenum didn’t take part in L.A.’s hilarious 49-21 loss to the Saints, but this is the photo that will be used to represent the Rams until they win another game.
*****
Kyle Rudolph
Kyle Rudolph understands the no undershirt rule because Kyle Rudolph understands what it means to be fashionable.
Now please do me a favor, buddy, and inform Aaron Rodgers of this when you see him in Week 16.
*****
Kirk Cousins
It’s amazing how Kirk Cousins can so quickly go from the player who routinely gets stuffed into lockers to the privileged pretty boy bully who rallies teammates into picking on the punter.
It should be noted that Cousins is dangerously close to surpassing Alex Smith when it comes to the sacred art of meticulous beard trimming.
*****
Matt Prater
K Matt Prater talks about his game-winning field goal. #MINvsDET: https://t.co/px8U0Z9xqC pic.twitter.com/sgTa3q6HNy
— Detroit Lions (@Lions) November 24, 2016
Matt Prater kicked the game-winning field goal to beat the Vikings on Thanksgiving, brought his adorable child to the podium, and wore a Psycho Bunny v-neck. Now that’s a full day. This dude gets it.
Dare I say the Lions can do nothing wrong? Yeeeeeah, that could prove to be a pretty costly question. Feel free to blame me when Detroit loses their final five games.
*****
Josh Norman
Josh Norman is basically a flashier version of Tyrod Taylor while still somehow — much like Ty — managing to stay within himself and not overdo it.
The inner monologue of the dude to his right was probably something along the lines of “hmm… maybe just start with the black v-neck and go from there?”
*****
LeSean McCoy
What's a 75 yard TD feel like?
— Buffalo Bills (@BuffaloBills) November 27, 2016
"It's a roller coaster. You hear the crowd yelling. Look up at the screen, see you got him beat. Run it in." pic.twitter.com/4p6NPYbQ0t
Shiny vest possibly made entirely of tinfoil? This is the point in the season where you take great risks, so I strongly approve.
*****
Vince Wilfork
Vince Wilfork hasn’t been featured since the opening installment where his storied “World’s Greatest Farter” t-shirt was celebrated. So in all honesty, he’s kinda just here to say hi and be Vince Wilfork.
Judging by the looks of his locker, it appears big Vince and Antonio Gates swapped jerseys. See, there’s always something interesting about Vince Wilfork no matter how you slice it.
*****
Matt Paradis
"It's like my hair is looking in to a mirror."
— Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker® (@RexDangerSeeker) November 28, 2016
- @TheSportsHernia pic.twitter.com/Lo9Fw5zjfk
Duuuuude. Get a hold of your barber’s scissors before Mark Davis-like mockery begins and your social life is ruined.
You may not know this — let’s be real, you don’t — but we’re here to help, Matt.
Actually, that was a blatant lie. We’re here to hurt.
Carry on.
*****
Jerry Jones
Jerry Jones looked like he attended a spirited Irish wake before meeting with reporters. My god.
Oh, to be a fly on the wall in the Jones family suite, especially during a game that falls on a holiday.
*****
Willie Snead IV
https://twitter.com/StevieRod/status/803247922204778496
Outrageous. Your move, Odell.
*****
Miles Killebrew
Give Lions rookie safety Miles Killebrew until about Week 16 or so and the NFL will have its very own Kramer.
Can’t wait.
*****
Bonus Round: Greatest Hair Moment Ever
Hey your hair blocked my view... Never mind. pic.twitter.com/jrbko8za36
— People's Daily, China (@PDChina) November 27, 2016
Push the play button and you’ll quickly learn that this is one of the greatest things to happen all year long.
If you argue against that notion, I would like you to take a hard look back at 2016 and promptly light your nipples on fire.
https://twitter.com/dallascowboys/status/802190384252194816
LeBron likes the Dallas Cowboys and so do key components of the Los Angeles Clippers? Yeah, I’ll take a cyanide spritzer with a healthy splash of bleach.
*****
https://twitter.com/Seahawks/status/802994870587625476
Well this was, um, an interesting tweet. Remember, weed is legal out there now.
*****
These Deion Things
https://twitter.com/nflnetwork/status/803114775571857408
This shit with Deion Skyping and Facetiming with players remains weird, man.
*****
.@52Mack_ BALLED and he got the call! ☎️ #RaiderNation
— NFL Network (@nflnetwork) November 28, 2016
LIVE on NFL Network! #GameDayPrime pic.twitter.com/mTkOyS2i9C
Please give these dudes a god damn camera so the players don’t look like they’re scoping out ass on Instagram.
Thanks in advance.
*****
Previously: Tom Brady Broke Out The Inspector Gadget Jacket
Previously: Antonio Brown’s Jacket Just Lit The World On Fire
Previously: Tom Brady’s XXXL Overcoat Won The Weekend
Previously: The Remarkable Transformation Of Case Keenum
Previously: Tom Brady Pays Homage To Terrible Clothing
Previously: Andrew Luck Fills Flashy Void For Tom Brady
Previously: Cam Can’t Figure Out Which Color To Paint The Kitchen
Previously: J.J. Watt Redeems Himself With “Sandlot” Shout-Out
Previously: Meet Cam Newton, Exiled Member Of Exotic Barbershop Quartet
Previously: Matt Ryan Takes Over Zoolander Duties In Tom Brady’s Absence
Previously: Cam Newton Channels A Fashion-Forward Steve Urkel
*****
For more breaking news, scorching takes, and utter nonsense, follow Tim Ryan on Twitter and Instagram. For a look at last season’s colorful ride at the podium, each of those installments can be found right here.