Fansided

25 NBA players who can help you survive a zombie apocalypse

By Matt Rutkowski

Oct 18, 2016; Columbus, OH, USA; Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James (23) against the Washington Wizards at the Jerome Schottenstein Center. The Wizards won 96-91. Mandatory Credit: Aaron Doster-USA TODAY Sports
Oct 18, 2016; Columbus, OH, USA; Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James (23) against the Washington Wizards at the Jerome Schottenstein Center. The Wizards won 96-91. Mandatory Credit: Aaron Doster-USA TODAY Sports /
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LOS ANGELES, CA - JULY 03: Head coach Bill Laimbeer of the New York Liberity directs his team against the Los Angeles Sparks during a WNBA basketball game at Staples Center on July 3, 2016 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Leon Bennett/Getty Images)
Photo by Leon Bennett/Getty Images /

3. Bill Laimbeer

Bill Laimbeer was not really a good guy. Some contend he was not even that good of a basketball player. Others will champion him for doing anything it took to achieve a desired outcome.

Survival isn’t always about who is the most talented, or most nice, or least hated. Sometimes you have to do whatever it takes. If you have to sink to the lowest possible level to avoid cannibalizing your own thigh, who would you rather have on your team than Bill Laimbeer?

Let’s talk about the 80s, back when basketball players were tough and basketball wasn’t all girly and three-pointy. Players today couldn’t survive. There was no flopping or crying. There were hard fouls and hand checking and pain.

Do you want to come into the paint (in this case “the paint” can be taken as a metaphor for the anti-zombie home base)? Then you’re going to suffer. Bill will step on your foot, and rake your back, and poke you in the eye. He’ll try and break your ankle, if he needs to. He’ll needle you verbally and physically because back in the 80’s basketball players carried needles with them for fun.

And this is how it’s supposed to be! If people want basketball to be popular again because it isn’t despite ratings and TV deals, then you need to bring back the physicality. If a team scores 100 points, then you need to injure their leading scorer. There need to be consequences for success. You need a Bill Laimbeer to dole them out, damn it. Damn it all!

Sorry, I lost track of myself for a second there. I don’t believe any of that, but Laimbeer probably does, and it’s important to have irrational self-confidence in an irrational time.

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