25 NBA players who can help you survive a zombie apocalypse

2. Shaq

Yeah, Shaq is big and intimidating. And at one point he was maybe the most unstoppable player the NBA has ever seen.

I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about Shaq Fu.

Shaq Fu is based on the true story of the time Shaq was teleported to an alternate dimension to fight an evil mummy. What’s a mummy if not a very specific type of zombie? That’s a rhetorical question. It’s a zombie.

With the exception of those who played against Steve Nash during his last years on the Lakers, very few NBA players, past or present, have real life experience competing against a zombie. It’s not the same as a basketball game, man. The rules are different. There are no rules. That’s how it’s different.

Plus, the basketball doesn’t really help. You don’t have to dribble at all. Shaq didn’t like dribbling anyway. He’s going to know the ins and outs of this world. Check out this documentary footage of Shaq fighting Jim Carrey in The Mask.

Look how his foot caught on fire that one time. He’ll need to teach all of us how to do that if we’re going to see another sunrise.

Sure, Shaq is a bit older, a bit bulkier nowadays, but he’s always been one to play himself into shape. Plus, he’s a genie. If one of us uses one of our wishes to make him young and badass again, he has to do it. Or we could wish the zombies not to exist and for everything to be fine again, but what’s the fun in that?