Total Nonstop Deletion was the single-greatest wrestling show ever produced

It’s truly difficult to explain the wonderfulness of Impact Wrestling’s Total Nonstop Deletion. That’s why it was the greatest show ever produced that involved a wrestling ring. Kinda.

The number of things that can be replicated in sports is an unreachable number.

Anyone can recreate Michael Jordan’s shot (cough, with a push-off) to win Game 6 of the NBA Finals in 1998 in their driveway.

Many have tried to recreate Odell Beckham Jr.’s one-handed touchdown that launched his career in the NFL into stardom.

But nobody, and I mean nobody, can recreate the magic that Matt Hardy and his brother Jeff Hardy — er, Brother Nero — created this past Thursday night with Impact Wrestling’s Total Nonstop Deletion.

Before we jump into the best wrestling show of all-time, let me just preface this piece with this: Since 2009, I’ve probably watched about three hours of TNA programming, so yeah, I’ve missed much of the Hardy Boys’ shenanigans. But, when Matt Hardy made the threat of rendering The Young Bucks obsolete at ROH Final Battle to send Hammerstein Ballroom into a frenzy, I could ignore The Broken One no longer.

Hook, line and sinker. He got me.

“Oh god, I’m definitely going to talk myself into watching Total Nonstop Deletion, aren’t I,” I asked myself after Matt’s appearance at Final Battle.

When I shook the magic 8-ball, the answer was, “Of course you will, you imbecile.”

Now that the prefacing is out of the way, let’s get into what made Total Nonstop Deletion the most fantastic thing ever.

First thing’s first, don’t turn your brother into Brother Nero

To kick things off, we got a short, informational warning in Spanish (with English subtitles) that gave the audience some advice as to not turn their home into a playground of chaos and a drone telling us no drones were harmed in the making of this “epic event”.

That was followed by the same guy repairing something, a woman playing a beautiful song, Matt rowing a boat on a lake, what appears to be Jeff trimming a field with a weed wacker, and a baby walking around the ring in a building of some kind that shows Matt’s face painted on a wall looking as insane as he really is.

Gilbert Corsey actually exists!

The Channel 7 studio in Cameron, N.C. appears with special report anchor Gilbert Corsey, explaining that “death, doom and destruction can only mean one thing … it’s the holiday season in Cameron.”

No, seriously. An actual news anchor in real life announced that the “Day of Deletion” is upon us. We’re already off to a great start with this.

Corsey swung the coverage to Betty-Sue Fuentes, who was live on the scene at the Hardy Compound. Fuentes was standing in front of a volcano.

A freakin’ volcano. God, we’re already getting weird.

“There’s a volcano that’s seemingly formed out of nowhere,” Fuentes reported. Fuentes then looked to a nearby observer to interview, and she found one in the form of Jeff Hardy dressed up as Itchweeed. (No, that’s really how it’s spelled.)

Things got weird, Hardy turned on the trimmer and ran up the side of the volcano. You’re not drunk. This stuff really happened.

King Maxel wants Goldberg

King Maxel, the son of Broken Matt Hardy, rode to the ring in a small Mercedes-Benz a la Sasha Banks and won his first match ever in Impact Wrestling, defeating some dude named Rockstar Spud.

Now, mind you … King Maxel is just over a year old.

Stop looking at me like that.

Maxel got some help from a taser and Senor Benjamin, the guy who I didn’t know his name earlier and warned us not to try this madness at home, which led to the pinfall victory.

This happened, and King Maxel is coming after your streak, Goldberg. One down, 173 to go to pass “Da Man”.

After King Maxel won, Disco Inferno (WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?) was backstage and said, “Thank God it wasn’t me tonight!”

But seriously, Disco Inferno is still wrestling? What is going on with you, TNA? Are you WCW and you’re not telling anybody?

“Stand back! Gregory Helms is coming through!”

Channel 7’s coverage went back to Betty-Sue Fuentes and she was now reporting from some road closed construction signs. The city of Cameron had been shut down due to the Hardyz basically claiming the world was ending with this event.

Fuentes then interviewed the driver, who anyone that watch WWE from 2003-06 could see that the driver was clearly Gregory Helms … or The Hurricane. Whichever you called him.

Helms explained that his tag team — the Helms Dynasty — would win the Tag Team Apocalypto, and told Fuentes to stand back, because the Hurric … er, the Helms Dynasty was coming through.

The Express that Rocks and Rolls

Have you ever watched a wrestling show and just started laughing? That’s what happened to me when the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express showed up at House Hardy.

One of the greatest tag teams in wrestling history, who made their debut in freakin’ 1983, are here for the end of the world. This is getting good, guys.

Vanguard 1: the next No. 1 contender to the TNA Knockouts title?

The next portion of the show brought out a woman speaking to the 50 followers of Hardy that attended the Hardy Compound for the event (which, there wasn’t 50 people there, but who cares).

A woman named Sienna, who I’ve never seen in my life, showed up with the typical heel routine of ‘I’ll take on anyone! Come on out!’

I don’t know who most of these folks are, so let’s get weird.

Out comes … a drone. The same one from earlier.

What the heck? A drone?

Apparently, it’s a popular thing around these parts.

However, the match doesn’t place because the jerk of an official says Vanguard 1 can’t fight a woman. Who says it can’t? This is bogus officiating.

So, Vanguard 1 heads to the back and Sienna thinks she’s going to win via forfeit because there’s no one to challenge her.

Until someone showed up by the name of ODB! (Wait, that’s not Odell Beckham Jr.?)

You could give me 15 tries to accurately describe ODB and I’d fail.  She’s certainly a character. She popped up out of nowhere in a trailer outside the building and told she was back, so alright then. Let’s do this.

Hit the fast-forward button to the fun part, and Sienna wins thanks to the jerk official (seriously, get this guy outta here) pulling Vanguard 1 out of the ring as it was making the 3-count for ODB’s pin attempt. That move opened the door for Sienna to drill ODB with a chair in the back and win the match.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. #BanThisReferee

It wasn’t all bad for Vanguard 1, though. ODB showed her appreciation for its effort to help out in the match with … uh … well, she gave him a nice way to remember her by.

Broken Matt Hardy says someone will be reincarnated in the Lake of Reincarnation

The Helms Dynasty arrives to speak with The Broken One about Tag Team Apocalypto. Hardy says to his scribe — which, yes, he has a scribe — “Someone in our presence will enter [the Lake of Reincarnation] and it will be the most appalling reincarnation we have ever seen!”

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? IS BROKEN MATT HARDY GOING TO TRANSFORM INTO SOMEONE THAT TELLS EVERYONE WE CAN’T SEE HIM WHEN WE CLEARLY CAN?

Itchweeed has three E’s in it for some reason

Itchweed wrestled in a match. And won over some guy named Chet. That happened.

Brother Nero vs. a friggin’ kangaroo named Smokin’ Joe Frazier

Apparently, this was a throwback of some sorts (which were shown throughout the show of past Hardy chaos), but JEFF HARDY FOUGHT A KANGAROO.

Why are we so blessed to have the Broken Hardys? Are we really worthy of having them in our lives?

Lashley and Eddie Edwards may still be fighting in Cameron

The longest match in wrestling history.

(SPOILER ALERT: This match never ended. It just kept going while Tag Team Apocalypto started. No, really … it did.)

Bobby Lashley and TNA World Heavyweight Champion Eddie Edwards had a good match for the title, and then Lashley speared Edwards through a wall.

Their match carried into Tag Team Apocalypto, but never had a winner.

They’re still fighting this one out, aren’t they?

Tag Team Apocalypto was a movie in itself

OK, so what we’ve all be waiting for.

Tag Team Apolcalypto.

Let’s get nuts.

(Oh yeah, there were actually rules for this thing.)

TNA’s announce team of Josh Matthews and Jeremy Borash were (not really, but really) calling the action inside the Dome of Deletion, which, I gotta say … that’s a fantastic name for a facility.

The place was evacuated because the Apocalypse was upon us. Tag Team Apocalypto was here.

How much money do you think Cameron’s firework stores made on this match? I’d say the minimum would be about a billion dollars.

https://twitter.com/PopTV/status/809583079966720000?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

YOU DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ HELMET TO RIDE A DIRT BIKE, OTHER REFEREE. IT’S APOCOLYPTO, MAN!

“Those damn Hardy boys are gonna burn this whole town down someday,” the conductor of the train probably thought as he rolled through town. (Either that or it was that big monster named Abyss. More on him in a bit, but that dude is downright haunting.)

OK, seriously, let’s stop this right here.

Before you watch the next video, notice the shirt of the mystery partner before you watch anything else in this.

Hornswoggle vs. Shinsuke Nakamura at NXT: Takeover Orlando the night before WrestleMania. BOOK THAT MATCH, TRIPLE H.

Gregory Helms fought a boat named Skarsgård, got pushed into the Lake of Reincarnation, and then reappeared with the rest of the Helms Dynasty as the worst portrayal of Fandango that I’ve ever seen.

I’d be sickened too, Matt.

Helms was lately superkicked by his proteges back into the Lake of Reincarnation, and then returned, but we’re not to that point yet.

JEFF, YOU SPOT MONKEY, YOU.

Hornswoggle doing justice for the people. Rockstar Spud is basically The Miz, but so much worse. (Note: I’ve only watched him in this show.)

A volcanic eruption in North Carolina.

What a glorious match.

PAUSE FOR THE GREATEST MOMENT OF THE YEAR IN WRESTLING:

My god, the savagery. Brilliance.

You tried, Swoggle. You really did. Good job, good effort.

CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT! ITCHWEEED’S DESIGNS ARE ON FIRE!

It’s like Game of Thrones, but better.

And so concludes, the greatest match in the history of mankind

BAH GAWD, THE HARDYZ DID IT!

(And Matt’s wife is apparently pregnant, which means the Broken legacy will grow. Splendid.)

Next: WWE Stars Who Had The Best Acting Careers

Final thoughts:

I’ve never seen something as chaotic, nonsensical and downright nutty as Total Nonstop Deletion. That was before I had heard of Delete or Decay and all that jazz the Hardyz had done previously.

It was the dumbest thing I think I’ve ever seen, and I’ve watched Donald Trump give multiple speeches before.

That’s what made it so fantastic. It didn’t make any sense. You legitimately forget it’s a wrestling program. It’s different. It’s never been done. And, there were fireworks. Literally.

Totally legitimate, real grade of Total Nonstop Deletion: ****** (there’s six stars here) out of five stars. Your move, Dave Meltzer.