The CBA conduct prohibitions nobody told you about

The NBA and NBPA agreed on a new Collective Bargaining Agreement, which means we’ll avoid a labor stoppage (which is good) but that we’ll have to learn all the new ins and outs of the league’s new governing rules (which is still good, but mostly boring).

So rather than focus on the designated player exceptions, extension rules, rookie-scale deals and other minutia, let’s instead direct our attention to the fun stuff: In this case, things players won’t be allowed to do under the new CBA.

Eric Pincus of Basketball Insiders reported a few, but you’ve really got to read these things closely. Because after the prohibitions on fireworks, firearms, jet skiing, hoverboards and trampoline jumping, three critical letters appear.

Etc.

That means there’s more! Much more!

Fortunately, intrepid reporting and dogged, nose-to-the-ground investigative dedication paid off. We don’t have the full list, but sources revealed several additional activities forbidden by the new CBA. Some even come with oddly frank footnoted explanations. They’re excerpted below.

Article XIX, Section 5, Subsection 13:

Players shall refrain from pickup football chop-blocking, slap-chopping, reading the books of or otherwise acknowledging Dr. Deepak Chopra*, using chop sticks (excessive pointiness) or listening to System of a Down’s “Chop Suey!” Russell Westbrook listens to it before every game (which explains the rage), and so shall be grandfathered in. Henceforth, the league’s anti-chop and anti-System of a Down** stances are firm. Fines for violations not to exceed $50,000.

*Dude’s a quack.

**They just rock too hard. It’s unsafe.

Article XIX, Section 8, Subsection 4(d):

Snake ownership is expressly forbidden. Mikki Moore liked snakes a lot, and it’s the only thing anyone remembers about him*. In the interest of cultivating more diverse and penetrative #brands and #brandstrategies, the NBA and its partners insist no players irreversibly pigeonhole their appeal and/or personal narratives via snake ownership. Relatedly, pigeon ownership is acceptable and encouraged. Fourteen-year NBA veteran Lucious Harris was big on pigeons, and he was pretty chill.

*Because snakes are weird and gross, and you’re weird and gross if you like them.

Article XIX, Section 37, Subsection 8(g)(ix)

Effective upon ratification of the articles in this agreement, travel to the state of Wisconsin by any player shall be prohibited. According to a CDC study, death by falling is 1.72 times more likely in Wisconsin than the national average. Do you have any idea how scary that is? That by simply crossing the state line into Wisconsin, you’re almost twice as likely to die by falling down? That’s a terrifying, unnecessary risk the NBA must avoid at any cost*.

*Sorry, Bucks. You’re contracted.

Article XIX, Section 119, Subsection 42(a)(iii)(niner)

Use of “supposably” in place of supposedly—regardless of context, location or intent—is now a suspendable offense. It doesn’t mean the same thing. Stop doing this.

Article XIX, Section 143, Subsection 11(z)(xl)(foxtrot)

Under no circumstances shall any player perform the Hot Dog Dance from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for the amusement of his children*. This prohibition extends to any and all of the Hot Dog Dance’s (referred to hereinafter as the HDD’s) character-specific variations. Based on an independent kinesiological study commissioned by the NBA, the moves required to perform the HDD properly have been found to pose too great a risk to human joint and general vertebral stability. Jon Leuer missed 18 games in 2013-14 due to a back injury sustained performing Goofy’s version of the HDD, easily the most physically demanding of the HDD variants.

*Any player without children shall also refrain from the HDD because performing the HDD for any purpose other than the amusement of one’s own children makes one a g%#&amn weirdo.

Next: Six creative ways NBA teams are adapting the pick-and-roll

Article XIX, Section 512, Subsection Eleventy-Nine (st. bernard)($)(7)

This section contains miscellaneous prohibitions not listed within the articles above.

No player shall engage in or be a party to: aardvark rearing, crab soccer, capture the flag, the saltine cracker challenge, mummery of any kind, catfish noodling, catfishing, fishing, phishing, listening to Phish, horeseplay, playing horsey, playing horseshoes, shoegazing, impersonating a medical professional, playing a medical professional on TV, watching too much TV, allowing video to kill the radio star, becoming a Starboy, preferring the Backstreet Boys to N*Sync without conducting proper research, and fast-pitch softball.