Dr. Dirk has a prescription for you

There are so many things to love about this video, which seems to capture the end of a shooting contest between Dirk Nowitzki and Harrison Barnes:

The first is that if you’re a Mavs fan like I am, it gives you some tinglies to think about the big German making Harrison Barnes a better player. There’s no question that he’s exceeded the expectations most had for him, more than doubling his scoring average without sacrificing efficiency (in fact, he’s shooting better than his career percentage from the floor). And, though it hasn’t been written up too much, a big part of it is that he’s shooting where Dirk tends to shoot from, having discovered the beauty of that down-but-not-out art, the mid-range jumper. He’s taking 20 percent of his shots from 10-16, and 28 percent from 16-3 pt arc, where last year it was 10 percent and 18 percent. And, his percentages from 3-16 have shot up. His improved field goal percentage on the season, at least over his career numbers, is despite the fact that he’s shooting nearly four points below his average from three.

Another important aspect is the chair. Not since Yi Jianlian has a chair been scored on with such abandon. What’s the point here? Is it to mimic a jab step? A low pass? What possible basketball event could having a ball waiting on a chair be simulating? Can they not afford a rack? Is that guy in the jacket more affordable than maintaining a quality rack? It’s hard to say, and it’s hard to know.

The most important observation to make, however, is that apparently Dirk says “nyquil,” when he beats you. This is great news. First of all it is DEVASTATING trash talk: it’s not only over, the lights are not only off, but you have stuffed sinuses, the sniffles, probably a mild fever, and Dirk’s destruction of you is, in this context, actually a benign favor. You’re glad Dirk has put you down. You needed it.

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And it’s also the way he says it. As soon as Barnes misses, Barnes and Dirk both know. Barnes says “oh my god!” as soon as he misses. Dirk yells “Nyquil” before he even picks up the ball, from the chair. It would be embarrassing if, after talking trash, he failed, but he knows he won’t and you know he won’t. He’s been one of the best clutch players in the game his entire career, he’s not about to lose an important game of chairball to the new kid. He’s going to look at you, yell a pharmaceutical brand in your face, grab the ball, and THEN sink it, no hesitation. That’s the Dirk Nowitzki Guarantee.