Welcome to the Davis-Cousinspocalypse

Well, the Sacramento Kings made an awful trade that isn’t going to look any better in retrospect. It was so bad that the word is the New Orleans Pelicans had roughly the same deal in place, without Buddy Hield, for Jahlil Okafor. We’re probably not going to get that one confirmed, but if you’re wondering whether Hield is worth the difference between DeMarcus Cousins, All-Star center, and Okafor, who hasn’t shown a lot of reason to suspect he’ll last that long in the league, the answer is no, but said with a kind of shocked, scream-laugh.

Like, who even had the guts to call the Kings? Was it a prank call? Did someone actually think that Hield could make the difference here?

Kings owner Vivek Ranadive has supposedly been infatuated with Hield, who is primarily a scorer and has averaged 8.1 points on 41.7 percent shooting this last month, but that doesn’t matter. People who trade well pay as little as they can for guys, not way more than anyone else would because they like them. And the worst of it all is probably that first-round draft picks lose a lot of their value when they’re coming from a team you just made way better.

That’s not what we’re here to talk about, though. We’re here to talk about what this trade just unleashed on the league.

Listen: Best, worst and wildest NBA trade deadline deals

Let’s do an exercise. Picture in your head how well Marc Gasol and Zach Randolph have done for Memphis over the last few years as a big man tandem. Okay, now picture two players who are way better than those guys. Like, way better. In every part of the game.

Picture my team, the Dallas Mavericks, running out like Dirk Nowitzki and Salah Mejri, defensively, against Anthony Davis and Cousins. Are there any survivors? How long did they survive? How embarrassing was it? Are they calling up fans as reinforcements by halftime? The third quarter?

Hell, check out what is likely to be the 1-8 matchup in the first round of the playoffs against the Golden State Warriors. You think Kevin Durant and Draymond Green want a piece of this? What happens if one of them sits — Zaza? JaVale? Is that a thing even a championship contender could afford to have in that case? Might Zaza turn into dust, from getting dunked on?

Picture this: Davis doesn’t really have weaknesses, per se, since he’s not really human, but if he does they definitely involve banging in the paint. Like it’s not that he’s a 3-point shooter, but he’s only taking 26.3 percent of his shots at the rim (0-3 feet) this year, down from 47 percent his first year, and shooting 42 percent of them from between 10 feet and 16 feet. Cousins, by contrast, has some actual human weaknesses, but this is extremely not one of them — he takes 32.6 percent of his shots at the rim, and only 20 percent or so between 10 feet and 16 feet.

Cousins, for all his size and bulk, is not a great shot blocker, averaging only 1.2 blocks over his career. Davis, who averages 2.4, is. Davis has not historically been a good passer, averaging just 1.8 assists a year, while Cousins has been getting better every year. So far this season he is averaging 4.9 assists a game, which is ridiculous for a center. Cousins is an impossible cover, but always a defensive force, whereas Anthony Davis is both. And they’re both just absurd at both scoring and rebounding. So far this season, Cousins is averaging 27.8 and 10.7 and Davis 27.7 and 12.

And, while Davis has been playing more and more center — 74 percent of the time this year, well past his career average of 42 percent C and 26 percent PF — this year, for the first time, Cousins has spent 40 percent of his time at PF.

In other words — read this sitting down — the Pelicans are going to get to pair, in one frontcourt, this season’s fourth and fifth-most prolific scorers and its sixth and 11th-best rebounders, and their offensive games are perfectly complementary, and at least one of them has all-world defensive potential, and they can each play both frontcourt positions. And one of them is 26 and one of them is 23.

I mean I’m speechless. I’m freaked out. There is no way there has ever been a better frontcourt tandem in league history. I don’t care who played for the showtime Lakers, or whatever else happened prior to the Civil War. This is ridiculous. It is a state of emergency. And it could last 10 years. In fact, by adding Cousins to take both some of the burden and wear and tear from Davis, and giving him reason to stick around, the Pelicans have made it pretty darn likely it will last a WHILE anyway.

And oh, that while. They will score every point, grab every rebound and D-up three positions. And it’s not even like the rest of the team is Rick Fox and Devean George. Jrue Holiday is a legit good player who’s about to get even better. Terrence Jones remains a perfectly high quality backup big, as if they need one. E’Twaun Moore is — alright, he’s not great, but you’d be amazed at how great even someone mediocre can be when the entire defense of the team they’re playing gets sucked into a black hole created by the ridiculous gravity of the Pelicans’ new frontcourt. Like, Matt McConaughey in Interstellar-level gravity.

Next: NBA Trade Deadline portfolio: Denver Nuggets

I’m afeared, my friends. I’m greatly afeared. Western Conference teams are going to see that thing four times a year. The thought of DeMarcus Cousins handing off to Anthony Davis in the pick-and-roll — and vice versa — is giving me night terrors. And I already had night terrors. Because of everything else.

Hoo boy.