Reviewing the March 13 episode of WWE RAW as the Road to WrestleMania continues on
We begin with Brock
You know it’s WrestleMania season when an episode of RAW kicks off with the Beast, Brock Lesnar, and his advocate, Paul Heyman, in the ring getting ready to spew some vocal venom. This time, his target is the Universal Champion, Goldberg. Heyman believes that last week was a preview of how Brock vs. Goldberg will go down, where Lesnar executed one of the fiercest F-5s of recent years. I don’t think it’s going to be a squash, like Goldberg’s last two matches, but I also don’t see these guys dancing for more than ten minutes. My match prediction pie chart shows 25 percent stare downs, 25 percent running into each other, and 50 percent F-5s and Spears. I see Lesnar coming up with the last big move, and winning by pinfall. Hopefully next week we hear from GOLDDDDDD-BERGGGGGGG. Perhaps another face-to-face is in order.
The ultimate ultimatum
In a backstage segment, Stephanie walked in on Mick Foley admiring the mic skills of Paul Heyman — something we’re all guilty of — before making a demand of the Raw GM: Foley must fire someone before the night is over. According to Stephanie, her logic says this will be good for Foley’s growth as a general manager, and as a person. You can’t blame Stephanie for giving advice on how to grow up; she’s been abducted by The Undertaker, and was wedded to Triple H in a drive-thru chapel while unconscious, both happening before the year 2000. She gave Foley until the end of the night to decide who to fire. More on this in a bit.
Student teaches a lesson
Since we know that the RAW Women’s Championship will be defended in a Triple Threat match at WrestleMania between Bayley, Sasha Banks and Charlotte, all we can do in the meantime is tread some water, and let the in-ring talent of these women do the talking for them. One person who used action to overcome words was Dana Brooke. Brooke had one job: weaken Sasha Banks. Not only did that not happen, but also she lost in a match that felt about two minutes long.
Charlotte has had enough of Brooke being incapable of doing her evil bidding, but she’s not the only one fed up: Brooke snapped during Charlotte’s reprimanding and gave the champ a solid right hook, knocking her to the ground. We have seen Dana Brooke take offense to Charlotte’s words before, but this time I think it’s safe to say that student-teacher relationship has ended. I can see Brooke being a wildcard in Charlotte’s title quest heading into WrestleMania.
Fight Owens (and Joe), Fight!
Am I the only person who got the feeling of déjà vu during this segment? Last week, Samoa Joe fought Chris Jericho, while Kevin Owens fought Sami Zayn, but the only way this would be a recurring theme is if Zayn was slated to fight Samoa Joe at WrestleMania. We already know Jericho and Owens are fighting for the United States Championship, but that’s a feud that has been building for months. It doesn’t make sense to have Joe fight Zayn at WrestleMania, when he just decimated him at Fastlane. Will his lurking around between Triple H and Seth Rollins lead to something, or will he be thrown in a match with Zayn just to have someone to beat up again at the big show. Joe is a destroyer of both people and storytelling.
Tag Team contenders
Big Cass said, “March Madness is in full effect,” and you get the feeling he’s correct when their opponents for the right to face the RAW Tag Team Champs at WrestleMania are Sheamus and Cesaro, two guys who are on the same scale of inevitably to break up as Kevin Owens/Jericho and Bray Wyatt/Randy Orton once were. When it seemed like the obvious choice for entertainment value would be Enzo & Cass, Gallows & Anderson told me to keep my opinions to myself before calling me a nerd. Well, of course they didn’t literally tell me that, but they figuratively did, by knocking off both teams fighting before the match ended, resulting in a double disqualification.
This did throw a huge wrench in Mick Foley’s plans of having a regular Tag Team Championship match at WrestleMania, so he audibled and punished Gallows and Anderson’s actions by reducing their chances of winning from 50 percent to 33.3 percent by making their match a Triple Threat Tag Team match. While I still believe Sheamus and Cesaro will eventually break up, that’s not why I think they will lose this match, just like I don’t think Gallows and Anderson will lose because they jobbed to Roman Reigns twice last month. I think both of those teams will lose because nobody has more momentum as a tag team than Enzo and Cass. Also, you can’t put a price on the amazing merchandise that would come from them being champs. Well, WWE Shop can, but you know what I mean.
Breaking hearts in the dog house
After Reigns unpredictably upset Jinder Mahal, even with outside interference of “The Undertaker’s Dong” — Corey Graves’ words, not mine — Reigns called out The Deadman. He did get a WWE legend, but not the one he asked for. Rather than a legend of the dead variety, he got one of the … sexy variety. Shawn Michaels and Shawn Michaels’ cowboy hat came to RAW to talk some sense into Reigns heading into WrestleMania. If anyone has gotten the best of the Undertaker at WrestleMania, and knows him better than just about anyone, it’s Michaels. Reigns wanted none of Michaels’ advice, explaining, “The Undertaker retired you, and I’m the guy that’s going to retire him!”
Reigns left HBK in the ring without picking his brain for advice. In a flash, it was Reigns that needed to pick his own brain off the ramp as Braun Strowman tackled him from out of nowhere, sending him crashing off the ramp into the barricades. Undertaker vs. Reigns has been set for WrestleMania, but where does Strowman fit into all of this? We know he has unfinished business with Reigns, so that’s something for Mick Foley to sort out before these guys head to Orlando.
Austin Aries? Absolutely!
If Austin Aries is planning on winning the Fatal Five Way match on this week’s 205 Live for the right to face Neville for the Cruiserweight Championship at WrestleMania, he’s going to need some reps. On RAW, those reps came in the form of a beatdown of Ariya Daivari. Aries looked as good as he did back in his NXT days, before his injury. I’d love for him to win the belt, and continue doing some commentary during the show. Aries is a rare talent in the commentator’s booth, and it’d add an element we’ve not seen before if somehow he could spend all segments he’s not involved with being a commentator.
Earlier in the night, the other four members of the Fatal Five Way Match battled in tag team action, with Brian Kendrick and Tony Nese defeating TJ Perkins and Akira Tozawa. Neville had his eyes glued to the backstage television during this one to scout his competition for his match at 205 Live, but realistically I think the only person he has to worry about is Aries, who has a chip on his shoulder the size of Neville’s Cruiserweight Championship belt.
Big Show
It was a big night for The Big Show: He is the debut guest on New Day Talks, announcing he was entering the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal, and single handedly caused the Titus Brand stock to plummet by way of three Chokeslams. Big Show’s days in the WWE are numbered, so I’m a little sad that he’s not going to be in a one-on-one match at WrestleMania. It wouldn’t make sense to have him win the Battle Royal, only because it’s a major push for someone else who needs it, and Big Show has been pushing people around for over twenty years. Last year, Baron Corbin won, and has had an impactful year over on SmackDown Live, now looking to be in range of becoming Intercontinental Champion at WrestleMania. While it’d be silly for Big Show to win, especially since he’s won before, I think we see him eliminating more than half of the participants with his vintage, overpowering style.
Sasha vs. Jax
Bayley, despite being champion, still has a chip on her shoulder. Lots of people think that Bayley didn’t truly earn her victory over Charlotte at Fastlane, yours truly included. I’m not only upset that Charlotte lost her undefeated PPV streak at a show that was meant to reinforce feuds going into WrestleMania, I’m also confused as to why Bayley won as a heel. Are she and Sasha becoming heels together? Charlotte, the biggest woman heel in the company, is supposed to win using shameful tactics, not lose by shameful tactics to the child-hugging, always-smiling-like-it’s-Christmas-morning Bayley.
Nia Jax did Bayley no favors, as she demolished the champ well after the referee called for her disqualification. While Bayley picked up the win, she didn’t look it as the match ended with her hanging upside-down on the ring post, being kicked in the midsection over and over… and over. Maybe it was Jax who had the chip on her shoulder; after all, she is the only woman involved in the conversation that’s not fighting for the RAW Women’s Championship at WrestleMania.
Promo like it’s 1999
As it turns out, Talking Smack isn’t the only show on WWE television where people can get personal to an almost nasty level. Mick Foley was having difficulty all night deciding which superstar to fire before one name dawned on him at the last minute: Stephanie McMahon. Foley’s reasoning was because Stephanie is a “really good liar and a really bad person.” Naturally, this upset the Queen of WWE, who summoned her husband, Triple H. When asked by Triple H why he wouldn’t say that to his face, Foley said he didn’t realize he was back there because he usually isn’t. It was a vintage back-and-forth promo that had everything you’d want: Triple H bringing up Foley’s children, a sad Foley face that seemed to have a little edge to it, and an appearance by the great Mr. Socko right down Trips’ throat.
Triple H ended up getting on top of Foley, but it didn’t take long for Mick’s number one draft pick, Seth Rollins, to intervene. Rollins came out limping with a crutch, before raising the crutch over his head and dropping it. He sprinted into the ring, and immediately kicked Triple H, showing that his knee looks like it was never hurt at all. Triple H recovered, and began attacking Rollins knee, and eventually breaking his crutch over the injured knee, not once but twice. It’s only a matter of time before this match is made official for WrestleMania, and once it does, it’ll be the match the majority of us will be most excited for.