MISSING: Please return the following items to the NBA Playoff House
We’re one week into the NBA playoffs and things have already gone missing. Someone broke into the NBA playoff house and snatched up a bunch of regular season items. They must have known the alarm code, which means it could have been an inside job. We’ve already sent this list over to the police, but we’re making the list public, as we need citizen help. Please keep an eye out for any and all of these items. Most of them are very important to the playoff house.
MISSING: DeMar DeRozan and Kyle Lowry
DESCRIPTION: DeRozan is 6-foot-7 and can typically be found inside arcs. If you see him outside on an arc, something has gone drastically wrong. Lowry is seven inches shorter, but he could be anywhere. Look for an angry man always trying to do more. If you see either man, the first thing you want to do is not freak out. We’re used to this happening. In fact, they go missing every year around this time. That’s how we know the playoff house is open to the public. We don’t even consider them stolen anymore. We just assume that someone left the door open and they wandered outside. How come no one pays attention to the “Please Close and Lock Door Upon Entry & Exit” sign above the Raptors room? One year we’ll figure out a way to keep them locked in.
Both of these items are vital to the playoff house. We had high hopes for the Raptors room this year. Interest was at an all-time high as people have grown tired of the Cavaliers suite and aren’t ready to accept the Celtics corner.
IF FOUND: Return immediately. Must be unharmed and in mint condition. Anything less will be unacceptable.
MISSING: Critics of LeBron James
DESCRIPTION: Loud and annoying. Imagine your alarm going off at 5 AM when you don’t have to be up until 5:15 AM. Now, imagine your alarm is the sound system used in football stadiums. Finally, imagine that the alarm is just the sound of screaming kids being played on repeat. That’s a LeBron James critic.
IF FOUND: Keep them. We honestly don’t want them back. We’ve been trying to get rid of them for years. They weren’t actually stolen. We have pesticide to keep them away, but they always find their way back. We forced to add them to this list because they’ve become a staple of the playoff house and visitors have started to worry that they aren’t around as much. Our visitors are weird.
MISSING: Manu Ginobili
DESCRIPTION: Awkward looking with an ever changing hair style. Is he shaved? Is he bald? Is it half-and-half? No one really knows. The easiest way to find this item to to go up to every European foreign player you see and give them a light shove. If they throw their arms up in the air dramatically while falling over, they might be Manu Ginobili. He is a rare artifact at this point, so be very gentle with him.
IF FOUND: He’s a piece of playoff house history and is vital to the structure of our Spurs lodge. Return in any condition found.
MISSING: King Of The Fourth Isaiah Thomas
DESCRIPTION: Undersized, so could be hidden in many different places. Except on defense. Should not be confused with Russell Westbrook. This item is extremely important to our Celtics corner. Without it, we’ll be forced to shutdown the corner within the next week or two. We tried to add more substantial pieces to the corner, but couldn’t bring ourselves to part with Terry Rozier or future playoff house blueprints.
IF FOUND: Return with headband intact.
MISSING: Everything in our Oklahoma City Thunder closet except Russell Westbrook
DESCRIPTION: Mustaches, beards, things that only make sense backwards, specialists. Honestly, we’re not entirely sure what all was in this closet. It was a lot of random parts and pieces that didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but Westbrook somehow made it all work. Start your search inside painted areas. If you have wander outside of the arc, you’ve likely gone too far. Also look for people that can only do one thing well. If you see them multi-tasking, they were likely not part of the Thunder closet.
*Only lost in our mobile playoff house.
IF FOUND: We don’t necessarily need these exact items. If you find a similar looking item, we’ll take them.
Next: Matching Kendrick Lamar’s ‘DAMN.’ lyrics with every NBA team
MISSING: Bubble Wrap
DESCRIPTION: Clear plastic material with bubbles that kids, and most adults, love to pop. Used to protect fragile materials in the Clippers cave and rooms next to the Clippers cave. Our number one suspect here are the Golden State Warriors. They have a recent history of doing this, most notably in 2015.
IF FOUND: Don’t bother returning it. We’re currently working on new technology that will protect our items better.