A beginner’s guide to ‘Broken’ Matt Hardy

If you’re used to the Matt Hardy that will not die, you’re probably unaware of who Matt Hardy really is. He’s broken, he’s delightful and he’s reportedly coming to WWE very soon. Here’s a beginner’s guide to those that are unaware of The Broken One’s brilliance.

Before we start with this WONDERFUL exercise, there’s a few things we should probably cover in terms of Matt Hardy, better known as the man who came up with the greatest gimmick in the history of pro wrestling.

Let’s preface by saying this: the path you’re about to travel down with me will get weird, strange, confusing, mind-boggling, hilarious and purely DELIGHTFUL. (I’ll explain why adjectives throughout this are capitalized a little later.)

Also, I know you probably caught the part where I said Matt Hardy is coming to WWE very soon. You’re probably thinking, “He’s already here, Mike. He and his brother Jeff are RAW‘s Tag Team Champions!”

First off, how dare you call him Jeff! You’re no better than he is, you spot monkey. His name is Brother Nero and he has lost the right to the Hardy name. (I swear to you, I’m going to explain all of this soon. I promise.)

The Hardy Boyz you’re seeing now on WWE programming are a fraud. They’re not real. They’re a mirage. The Hardy Boyz you’re going to see shortly once WWE wraps up a recent lawsuit with a particular owl … and again, I WILL EXPLAIN ALL OF THIS SOON … are the most over thing in professional wrestling today. I’m not even remotely joking.

Have you watched WWE programming lately and wondered why fans are chanting, “DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!”?

Well, this guide is for you, so let’s get into this nonsense known as Broken Matt Hardy.

Look

Broken Matt Hardy looks like a skunk resides on his head with the world’s largest dust bunny on his skull for a haircut. The black and grey bread provides a touch that makes Matt look like the most insane person on the planet and when you watch him, you’re probably going to think he is.

Currently, he’s back to the clean-shaven, slicked-back look that he wore before he became The Broken One. That’ll probably change soon because it needs to.

Also, I’d watch an episode of RAW if it’s just Matt adding on to his home in North Carolina with Senor Benjamin. (You’ll learn about him in a second.)

Look how happy he looks.

This occurred with Matt forgot that he was broken and he was … normal … which is not fun.

Vocabulary

When Broken Matt Hardy speaks, it’s like you’re watching the worst edition of a Pirates of the Caribbean film and it’s amazing.

Words such as “SENSATIONAL”, “EXQUISITE “, “WONDERFUL”, “MAGNIFICENT”, “DELIGHTFUL” and “SPLENDID” are a part of Broken Matt’s vocabulary. He also has visions of future events that will occur, or as Matt says, “PREMONEEEEETIONS.”

He doesn’t just say “YES!” like Daniel Bryan would. He says “YEEEEEEEESSS” and it’s truly WONDERFUL.

Of course, there’s also “DELETE”, which has become the rallying cry of anything Broken Matt Hardy. He will eat you and then he will delete you. You will no longer exist in this dimension. Just ask the Bucks of Youth. (Those are The Young Bucks in non-Broken language.)

If you step in Matt’s way, you will eventually fade away and become obsolete. (OBSOLETE!)

Broken Matt is basically a 16th-century lunatic from England that was dropped into 2017 and somehow has an African accent at times. It doesn’t make any kind of sense and that’s what makes him so great.

Also, he doesn’t call Vince McMahon by his name. It’s not “Vince”, “Mr. McMahon” or “Vinny Mac”. It’s “MEEKMAHAN”.

(He once said he’d eat Ethan Carter III’s cats and it was hilarious because I actually thought he was going to.)

Family

• Jeff Hardy (“Brother Nero”, Matt’s brother) – During their recent stint in Impact Wrestling, Matt and Jeff Hardy had one of the best feuds in the company’s history because … well, Matt became a broken man and Jeff became Brother Nero. (And Itchweeed, and yeah, that’s not really important. Just read this on the weirdness of Jeff’s other gimmick.) In their feud, Jeff was able to get the upper hand on Matt, which led toward Broken Matt, but in their final encounter — “The Final Deletion” — Matt defeated Jeff and Jeff was no longer allowed to use the Hardy name, hence why he’s called Brother Nero.

• Reby Hardy (“Queen Rebecca”, Matt’s wife) – Reby Hardy is one of the most fantastic women ever. She not only had the best tweet of WrestleMania 33, she’s embraced Matt’s #BROKEN persona and even embraced the look herself. She’s DELIGHTFUL. The mother of King Maxel, Reby has become one of wrestling’s favorites because of her Twitter rant involving the recent lawsuit with Impact Wrestling and the Hardy Boyz over their gimmick.

You can read the entire rant below. There’s some NSFW language included, which makes it even better.

• King Maxel (Matt’s son) – He’s 1-0 in his pro wrestling career. He’s also two years old. He’s a xylophone extraordinaire and a future WWE Champion.

• Senor Benjamin (Reby’s father) – Senor Benjamin is the best gardener in the universe. Do you see all those designs from the Hardy segments? Senor Benjamin is awesome. The father of Queen Rebecca, Senor Benjamin is going to become your favorite person that doesn’t wrestle.

In their war with the vaunted group DECAY in Impact Wrestling, Senor Benjamin was kidnapped by the House Hardy rivals. Vanguard 1 (more about him shortly) located Reby’s father and war was declared. That’s how much Senor Benjamin means to the Hardys.

• Vanguard 1 (Matt’s drone) – Senor Benjamin is going to be your favorite person that doesn’t wrestle and Vanguard 1 is going to be your favorite non-human ever. He’s Matt’s reliable drone that is seemingly everywhere. It even tried to wrestle one time!

• Skarsguard (Matt’s boat) – Matt’s dilapidated boat that saved him during The Final Deletion between he and Brother Nero. (Also, “dilapidated” – (adjective, of a building or object) In a state of disrepair or ruin as a result of age or neglect. You just learned something.)

The Lake of Reincarnation – A pond on the Hardy Compound that brings things back to its rightful origin on Earth. Except the one time The Hurricane became this.

OH MY GOD, NO.

Thankfully, the Lake of Reincarnation stopped kidding around and helped us achieve the moment of the year in 2016 for pro wrestling during Tag Team Apocalypto at Total Nonstop Deletion.

• Scribe – Yes, Broken Matt has a scribe. He never says a word and notes everything that Hardy sees in his PREMONEEEEETIONS.

Important events

• Before their match at Impact Wrestling’s Slammiversary in 2016 (around the time Matt started to become #BROKEN), the seeds were already planted. This was really the first extended time we got a glimpse at the Broken Matt Hardy persona.

• After Jeff won at Slammiversary, the rematch was set for an Impact Wrestling taping and a Six Sides of Steel match. Matt continued to fall further and further into the broken place.

• We’ve briefly discussed The Final Deletion and this is where Jeff Hardy truly became Brother Nero. It was one of the most talked about episodes of wrestling in 2016 and the pure insanity made it so great. (If you didn’t watch it earlier when we talked about it, you can watch it here. Actually, you have no choice. Watch it now or you will be DELETED.)

• Delete or Decay was when Broken Matt and Brother Nero were taken to war in a personal battle with DECAY. “The Great War” is what Matt dubbed it (which saw its finish a month after this madness, but this was fantastic television).

Why you’re going to love Broken Matt Hardy

Matt Hardy has created one of the hottest topics in professional wrestling with this gimmick. It’s basically a clinically insane man doing hilarious bits, and guess what? People love it.

Why do people love it? Because it’s different. Wrestling fans love different. It’s fun. Wrestling fans love fun. It’s so stupid that it’s amazing. What wrestling fan doesn’t love stupid and amazing? It’s professional wrestling for god sakes.

Matt and Jeff Hardy built this gimmick in Impact Wrestling, but it’s been seen everywhere over the last year. They’ve had a couple of matches with The Young Bucks, who are unquestionably the best tag team on the planet, in Ring of Honor. Matt made sure he was able to honor all of his independent scene appearances after signing back with WWE prior to WrestleMania 33.

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The lawsuit is still ongoing between Impact Wrestling/Anthem Sports & Entertainment (the company with that stupid owl that Reby Hardy told to F off) WWE, but the time is coming for Broken Matt to become the vessel that he was born to be. (Yes, he’s a vessel. Not a human.)

And hopefully, after Reby Hardy gives birth to the second heir to the #BROKEN throne and buys an actual owl for the family as another trolljob towards TNA, while Matt regains his accent once more, this lawsuit will be rendered OBSOLETE, and Broken Matt Hardy and Brother Nero will enter the WWE Universe ready to DELETE.