Chris Paul is a burner phone
Cell phones are amazing. It’s nearly impossible to survive in today’s world without a cell phone. In a statistic that I just made up, 58 percent of you are reading this on your cell phone. The other 42 percent are reading this on a tablet or computer, which is nothing more than an oversized cell phone. We all have cell phones. But we don’t have the same cell phone. I have an iPhone. A lot of my friends have an iPhone. There are some that have a Samsung Galaxy. Others have a Google Pixel. And a few have a type of cell phone that I’ve never heard of.
Then, there are the people that have a burner phone. Having seen every episode of The Wire multiple times, I know that burner phones are typically used for business. I respect that. We all have business to attend to. In that sense, burner phones are useful. They know what they are and you know how to use them. They’re pretty indestructible since it’s a hard shell casing and not a touch screen. You make a phone call, you send a text message, maybe you can play a game of Snake, and that’s about it. It’s a straight-forward cell phone that serves its purpose, but really limits your overall scope.
Burner phones are a throwback to a simpler time when you only needed a cell phone to make calls, send texts, and play Snake. There’s nothing wrong with that. A burner phone gets the job done. You’re typically happy with what it does and you don’t dare talk about it or the business you conduct on it because the feds are always watching. And in late April, you toss your burner phone aside and get a new one in October.
Burner phones serve their purpose, but you need more to survive in 2017. You need a smart phone with unlimited data. You need a phone that allows you to make video calls, send text messages that you spoke, and play a 3-D version of Snake where if you lose, an actual snake jumps out of the phone and bites you. You must have a phone that tracks your fitness and tracks the fitness of all of your friends so you can prove to them that you are better. It’s necessary to have a phone that frustrates you when it doesn’t work exactly how you want it to work, so you have to waste a couple of minutes resetting it in hopes that the problem becomes fixed.
Chris Paul is a burner phone.
You know what you’re getting from him. He’s going to play hard-nosed defense, get 8-10 assists with only 2-3 turnovers, and 18 points on less than 15 shots. He’s going to seem in command of everything and when he’s not in command of something, he’s going to complain about it. He’s not flashy or erratic. He just goes about his business.
You just need more in 2017. You need guys like Steph Curry, Kyrie Irving, Isaiah Thomas, James Harden, Damian Lillard, John Wall, and Russell Westbrook. Curry is unlimited data. Kyrie is GPS mapping. Isaiah is Air Play. Lillard is music and video streaming. Harden is every app in the app store except for apps that fall under the weather category. Wall is a BlackBerry with video chatting and spoken text messaging. And Westbrook is when you’ve set your high score only for the phone to freeze up, but fortunately your progress was saved. But then you drop your phone and the screen cracks.
With the exception of Wall, all of those guys are non-traditional point guards with a focus on high volume scoring. And even Wall exploded for 50 points in a game this past season. They’ll take 20+ shots a game without hesitation. They’ll be a little reckless and careless with the basketball. They still get teammates involved, but they aren’t afraid to get theirs, either.
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Burner phones would have been all the rage in 90’s. Zack Morris, with his brick cell phone that only made phone calls, would have taken one look at a burner phone and immediately offered you the homework services of Screech for a chance to send a text message or play a game of Snake. But this is 2017. And in 2017, you need a smart phone.