What each NBA coach would be doing if he wasn’t an NBA coach
By John Buhler
Dave Joerger: Power tools pusher/sales
One day, Dave Joerger is going to own all the horses and vineyards in Napa Valley. It has been his life’s ambition for about a year now. Though he’s never rode horseback or been to a vineyard before, Joerger definitely enjoys the finer things in life.
For now, he’s pushing power tools at the local Home Depot, Lowe’s, Albertsons or Ralphs. Power Tool Dave is everywhere, sometimes multiple locations at the same time. He understands fully that this is the only way to make his dreams a reality. Joerger has made a small fortune on his effective, but highly questionable sales tactics.
He hates being called a sales person and prefers to be called The Pusher because he doesn’t care if you need a power drill or not, because you’re getting one from him. To Joerger, power drills can solve any problem that duct tape cannot, because of science. Whether you’re six or 66, have perfect credit or no credit, Joerger is going to find a way to make sure you leave the store with a power drill.
He has been employee of the month four times this year, as he is the best sales person in the office since Bill Brasky. Conversely, Joerger has been reprimanded at least 17 times for pushing equipment that he is not exactly licensed to sell. He has started up more chain saws and lawn mowers for “demonstration purposes” on a three-day weekend than a landscape crew would even think about firing up in a fortnight.
Over the loud, albeit amusing sound of two power drills oscillating in unison, Joerger routinely utters his signature closing phrase, “Can your power drill do this?” Normally is it followed by a 540 degree spin where Joerger nearly loses his balance on his right foot falling forward. He’s not graceful, but he’s always closing.
Though he has allegedly chased customers around a Lowe’s with a chainsaw overhead, his third-party employer let’s Power Tool Dave do whatever he wants most of the time. This is because both Bosch and Ryobi’s stocks have quintupled since Joerger has been on the power tool campaign. He’s closer to owning all the horses and vineyards in Napa Valley than he realizes. In one year, Joerger has become the second-richest person in Modesto.