What each NBA coach would be doing if he wasn’t an NBA coach
By John Buhler
Mike D’Antoni: EVP of Kellogg’s, Pringles division
Though he was technically born in West Virginia, Mike D’Antoni was formerly a Cincinnati man. He had the mustache that Mr. Red would tip his cap towards. Though he played some basketball at Marshall, for the Kings when they were in two different midwestern cities and in some place called Italy, we all secretly knew that D’Antoni was the heir apparent to Pringles potato chip empire.
When he was in high school, the Pringles brand was successfully acquired by Cincinnati-based consumer product conglomerate Procter & Gamble. The idea was to ensure that every variety of Pringles could be located in any Kroger in the world. It was ambitious, but the D’Antoni/Pringles clan made it happen.
Once he kind of got done with Italy, D’Antoni came back stateside to take on those jerks from Plano, Texas called Frito-Lay. It was a brutal 20-year potato chip war between P&G and Frito-Lay. Once Lay’s Stax came out in the aughts, the Pringles empire was in disarray. Once Frito-Lay popped, the fun stopped.
Besides things like toothpaste, the Pringles brand was what was keeping the Cincinnati economy alive. D’Antoni tried to implement a Seven Pringles or Less campaign by selling partial stacks to the masses, but that was considered indefensible. P&G had to make a choice.
Eventually P&G sold Pringles to some cereal company called Kellogg’s and D’Antoni was now a Michigan man. He shaved his mustache off as part of the acquisition. Cincinnati lost its collective mind. The Reds stopped making the playoffs, the Bengals punted on winning playoff games, the Bearcats couldn’t get invited to the Big 12, and the zoo lost Harambe.
It was a chaotic few years for the Pringles empire, but D’Antoni has found a new home in Battle Creek, Michigan. He discovered something delicious called Corn Flakes. They are much easier on the stomach than a Seven Pringles or Less stack of salt and vinegar crisps for breakfast. D’Antoni has embraced breakfast cereal for the first time in his life. The Pringles family has never been prouder.