What each NBA coach would be doing if he wasn’t an NBA coach
By John Buhler
Billy Donovan: Ex-Marine turned small town barber
Billy Donovan is the second-most decorated military man of the 30 people whose careers we are dissecting on this fine day. From 18 years old to 40 years of age, Donovan proudly served in the Armed Forces as a Marine. Nearly all the missions he went on are highly classified, but one day we’ll know the truth.
Until then, you can find Billy the Barber down on Main Street giving all the local men their haircuts six days a week. He developed an intense, fiery passion for the art of cosmetology whilst in the United States military. Few men are better with a straight razor or a buzzer than Donovan.
He is ridiculously efficient at grooming the follicles of the fine folks within the township he resides. Donovan spends no more than five minutes on a man’s ‘do. He is able to shear the scalps of men of all ages because of his strict regiment as a barber.
Like Ron Swanson believes, there are only three acceptable types of men’s haircuts in the world: high-and-tight, crew cut, buzz cut. If you ask for anything else, Donovan will turn you balder than Billy Corgan faster than you can sing the chorus to “Bullet With Butterfly Wings”. Despite all your rage, you cannot be saved from Donovan’s buzzer.
Since rejoining civilian life after 22 years in the military, Donovan is happily married with seven daughters. He can give the best shave $10 can buy, but is not too thrilled about his inability to deliver a y-chromosome.
So Donovan’s life post-miliary is about two things: 1.) Being a small town barber and 2.) Picking up Barbies scattered all across his family’s base camp. He is very gifted about getting all the tangles out of his daughters’ Rapunzel-like hair. Just don’t tell the boys down at the shop that Billy the Barber is the best French-braider in his congressional district.