What made baseball fun this week: Bryce Harper hates participation trophies and Hunter Strickland
By John Buhler
This was the best week in baseball by a ridiculously wide margin. You can thank Washington Nationals outfielder Bryce Harper for it because he was awesome.
Back in the day, school definitely tried to each us some things about whatever. Problem was we don’t need no education. K-12 was mostly about just getting babysat by people we never really liked on the taxpayer’s dollar. It’s why people like Adam LaRoche don’t believe in school like Bobby Boucher’s mama in that movie about water, Cajun people and foosball.
While Dan Fouts did technically tell us that “you can’t hold anything back” in the Bourbon Bowl, we DID learn that water is the important thing when it comes to winning. It’s like one of three things that really matter to human beings: 1.) Things you can do in a bed, which is pretty much everything. 2.) Water because some variation of Canteen Boy told us so. 3.) Fighting because violence is never the answer until it is the answer.
Baseball was super cool fun time this week because the sword was most definitely mightier than the pen in the City by The Bay. Diplomacy doesn’t exactly work when you’re dealing with the fact some dude drilled you in the hip with a 98 MPH fastball. While you’re never the best version of yourself when you’re angry, you’re usually too angry to be hurt, so there’s always that. Stay angry, my friends.
We’re in June now, man. Your favorite team might stank like the Philadelphia Phillies, but they’re so fresh and so clean when compared to whatever on Planet Earth is going on in San Francisco. At least there’s basketball, but there’s also some Goliath named LeBron that doesn’t give a rip if you’re gonna try to sling-shot him to death with threes and lineups with all the 25-year-old tech billionaires in the world casually trying to be cool for once.
Basically, baseball was fun this week because it stopped caring about being nice. We’ve got dudes fighting, people freaking out, people still proving that voting probably doesn’t need to be a right anymore and a baseball mascot extend one of its four fingers. You did good this week, baseball.
Bryce Harper HATES participation trophies and Hunter Strickland
For a dude that has never won a playoff series as a professional, Bryce Harper thinks participation trophies are stupid because they are. Technically, aren’t Rookie of the Year and NL MVP participation trophies? Allegedly, yes, because a dude is just participating at a really high level.
If you’re not winning championships like the World Series, the Bourbon Bowl or even the impossible NLDS, you’ve done nothing….NOTHING, even if you invented the piano key neck tie before your former quintet went Top 40 on a five-letter command. Relax, winning isn’t everything, but it is something.
Oh yeah, you know who hasn’t done a lot of winning this year?: the San Francisco Baseball Giants. Yes, we get that it’s an odd year, but why are you so bad? Probably because the best piece of lumber from Hickory Hot Rodded himself before it even got hot, or cool in the trolley car capital of the world. It’s a beautiful baseball park with a terrible product on the field.
But whatever. Harper got drilled by pitcher Hunter Stickland on Memorial Day for something that happened three years ago. Harper didn’t remember back that far, but definitely remembered what happened on May 28, 2016: The Death of Harambe. He made Harambe proud by charging that mound like the angry low-land gorilla that lives inside of all of us.
That power point with that bat of his was cooler than anything Baseball Drake would do for the Canada Birds. While that helmet toss was JUST a bit outside, who throws a shoe helmet at a dude, honestly? Harper went Pow! Pow! on Strickland’s nose. Interestingly, Bruce Bochy and Buster Posey were all whatever about the situation.
I mean what did you expect when you drill Logan in the hip with a sphere. He’s not a Pokemon, so you’ve never gonna catch ’em all, Strickland. Harper is an MVP candidate and only got suspended for three games for holding serve on Strickland’s face. It was the best Memorial Day weekend in baseball. Harper made Harambe proud and that’s all that matters.
New York isn’t cool with Mr. Met, but fine with Terry Collins…for now
Besides the San Francisco Baseball Giants stanking it up in Stankonia, you know who else kinda stanks?: the Mets, dude! They’re just not that good. Thor can’t find his hammer. Bruce Wayne is just being a difficult millionaire in Gotham. That Dutch sounding guy can’t find his shampoo. Captain Hot Corner is hurt…again. And Bartolo Colon plays for a rival team. Oh, come on!
At least manager Terry Collins is getting that proverbial vote of confidence. It’s helping like zero, but it’s cool to know that he can keep getting dem checks while his team went from NL Champions to worse than the Braves in 18 months. Never forget, Collins does know how to point with the correct digit to make the wrong move with regards to his bullpen. Index fingers are definitely the way to go there, Terry.
Well, Mr. Met did the impossible the other day. He gave a DELIGHTFUL fan that deserved middle finger salute. Fans are kind of dumb, just being honest. The problem is that Mr. Met only has four fingers. He doesn’t have one middle finger, but two, with two keep those dos in line on the outside.
Baseball is funny all the time. Didn’t the Giants and Mets play in the playoffs last year? Now they have resolved into the two best punching bags in the Senior Circuit this season. It’s only June. Can’t wait to see how weird it gets in the Big Apple and how crooked it gets near Lombard Street.
Joe Maddon doesn’t care, so freak out, Cubbies peeps
Winning one World Series is hard enough in Chicago. The Cubs did the impossible by winning it all in 2016. A big problem is that it’s not going over vey well with the North Siders because they feel they deserve a repeat. Manager Joe Maddon doesn’t care and probably wants you to freak out about it. The guy won a World Series as a manager of the Cubs. He can literally do whatever he wants.
If Maddon wants to bring boa constrictors and reticulated pythons into the Wrigley Field dugout, he should do it. What’s the difference between the Tampa Bay Rays clubhouse and the Cubs dugout anyway? If Maddon wanted to pretend he was Larry Mize at the 1987 Masters and practiced his chip shot from the top step during games, just, just go ahead now. You’ve earned it, man!
2016 was a magical year for the Cubs and kind of a bad one for most other people in America. Expectations are dumb. Pretty sure Ernie Banks never played in a single postseason game, but he was a champion of life. Cubbies fans, let Maddon do whatever he wants. Without him, you’re probably not winning another World Series for another 108 years.
Voting for Jason Heyward just needs to stop
Instead of demanding that Maddon do the impossible again, how about stop voting for Jason Heyward for the 2017 MLB All-Star Game. Yes, I get it. The event is obviously going to be weird because it will be in South Beach. Expect the can’t-sell Marlins to La La Land the whole week mid-July.
Heyward may have said that cool speech during that rain delay that one time, but his swing is about as broken as Michael Carter-Williams’ jumper. You can’t put a dude that maxes out a .250ish batting average in the All-Star Game. If you like beards, because who doesn’t like beards, put Colorado Rockies beardsman Charlie Blackmon in the All-Star Game.
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That’s a top-tier beard, he’s playing on a winning team, he can hit and he’s pretty fast. If you don’t like Bryce Harper because Cobra Kai picked on you in high school, Blackmon’s gotta be your dude. He’s like a 75 million times better version of Adam LaRoche. His beard is better and he went to nerd academy Georgia Tech to play baseball. That’s the best use of school since Shaq made all that money in LSU. Coop and Doug knew what was up. Too bad the late Ernest Borgnine was just confused the entire time.